Lots of Little Things
by defying3reason
Summary: Ficlets and Drabbles from the Pipster Prompt-A-Thon at Snark & Handcuffs. Spans different points in Flash continuity, plus AUs and Possible!Futures
1. 1 Dinner With the Dibnys

**Dinner With the Dibnys**

"What are you doing?" That particular tone of voice was downright dangerous. Ralph just knew if he turned around he'd see his wife with her hands on her hips, possibly tapping her foot, possibly sporting the steely-glare of death (he really needed to get her to teach him that). "I repeat, oh husband dear, what are you doing?"

"...counting the silverware."

"Oh for the love of...if you're going to behave like this, then why did you invite him over?" Sue exclaimed.

"C'mon bun, you know how these guys are. They reform and revert and reform and revert. I just wanna try to get in good with the Piper while he's still on our side. He's got this weird sense of humor, so I was thinking if I'm friendly to him now, then when he goes evil again maybe he won't make me do line dances for the news cameras anymore."

"Uh huh." Sue glanced at the silverware. "And what makes you think he's going to steal our forks?"

"...they're nice forks."

"You're being ridiculous."

"He never made you do the Macarena for the ten o'clock news!"

"Mm, dear god, making someone dance! That's pure sadism. Why Ralph, should we have let him know where we live? The things he could do with that information-what if he TPs the house?"

Ralph scowled. "My own wife, mocking my concerns."

She squeezed his shoulder, clearly ready to talk compromise. "Ralph, you're completely right. A lot of the villains do flip flop between sides. But that just shows how difficult it is to make a fresh start. And if everyone treats you like you're about to lapse..."

"I know, I know. And you're right, Piper wasn't ever that bad." Ralph held up a fork. "And our silverware's actually kinda cheap. I guess I wouldn't really miss it if he took some."

"Mm hm. Can you ease up on the paranoia then?"

"I'll do my best. Um...you're not going to tell him about this, are you?" Ralph asked. "Sue...bun?"

Sue only smiled evilly and went to check on her baked spaghetti.


	2. 2 Because Nothing Really Ends

**Because Nothing Really Ends**

"I think this is by far the weirdest mirror world I've ever been in," James finally said after a pause.

"Nonesense. Have a taco." The delivery was deadpan, even if Piper was smirking. James scowled.

"I didn't even like the stupid cartoon, and it's not like I'm hard to please when it comes to animation. Throw in a few anvils, maybe some peppy dialogue with some pronoun trouble... there wasn't even cartoon violence!"

"The book is a fantasy classic you know." Piper pointed out. He reached over to the campfire to stir their pot of stew.

It had been a long day. First they'd had a battle with a red bull that looked eerily similar to Heat Wave (his eyes were shaped like the goggles, anyway) during which they'd accidentally gotten Prince Lir trampled by the beast, but as James looked uncannily like Lir he'd just substituted in and joined the party of Schmendrick the magician (passing resemblance to Mark), Molly Grue (Iris Allen), and a green tinted androgynous human that neither of them were discussing very much...especially not since the melancholy creature had turned into a sea foam green unicorn after they'd destroyed King Haggard's (Captain Cold's) castle.

"Is the unicorn still spying on us?" James asked, even though they'd agreed not to talk about the unicorn.

"...yes. I think it knows that you're not its Lir, but..."

James scowled. "I don't know what else we can do for it! We defeated the bad guy, destroyed its castle, drove the red bull into the sea, distracted the magician and the cook so it could sneak away and freed its people. And now we're squatting in the woods waiting for a way home. I don't think the ending's going to get much happier."

Piper chuckled under his breath. James quirked an eyebrow. "What?"

"Nothing." Piper sighed, gazing off into space. Then he started speaking again, clearly not to James. "You couldn't help us get back, could you?"

The unicorn stepped out into the clearing. It lowered its head, large blue eyes staring longingly at James. "I don't see why I should. When you go back to your world, you'll just continue wasting what you have. And when it's gone, you won't even appreciate the...the regret."

"Kay. All I got from that is that you can send us home and you're not going to," James said slowly. He stood up and glared at the unicorn. "I don't need this BS where just because you're a magical horse you know what's better for us! I'm not a fairytale prince, okay? I pretended to be for a little bit because we got the other guy stepped on by a big flaming bull, but that was temporary! You don't want me running a kingdom. I'm a trickster; I'd make a _terrible_ monarch."

"It's true, he would." Piper agreed.

"Come on! We saved the kingdom, freed the unicorns and got rid of your hangers on. Isn't that ending happy enough for ya?"

The unicorn narrowed its eyes. It looked to Piper. "Fine, have him. Mine was better." The horn glowed, bathing them in light and when the two Rogues blinked away the spots from their vision they were back in James' office in the FBI building.

"Huh. So what do you think that horse meant about wasting what we have?" James asked.

"...I don't think we should talk about this just yet." Piper sighed, because he knew perfectly well and figured James should too.

James frowned. "Too bad we got the prince turned into hoof goo. I feel like we robbed the unicorn of its happy ending."

"Come on James, there are no happy endings, because nothing really ends."

...

"Just how long have you been waiting to say that?"


	3. 3 Knight in Shining Armor

**Knight In Shining Armor**

_Setting: AU sometime in the early 14__th__ Century_

"Should have gone into the clergy...but, but oh no James, had to see the world, had to...rngh...try for a good marriage at least. Will you pick your hoofs up? C'mon move!" James shoved at his horse's rear, but the thing was determined to stay where it was. "Look, you're tired and thirsty, I'm tired and thirsty, but we've fallen behind the men and we've got to get moving! I can't give you any food and water until we make camp! It's not my fault, now MOVE!"

James shoved the horse again, the horse moved two steps and stopped, and James fell into a mud puddle. "God damn being the youngest son blows."

He was just picking himself up when a young nobleman ran into the clearing. His fine clothes were ripped, he was missing his shoes, gasping for breath and, most importantly, clutching an armful of bread.

James' eyes widened. Real, white bread! It had been almost a full year since he'd seen loaves that hadn't been mixed with sawdust (damn famine).

The young man took a cautious step backwards, then stiffened at the sound of shouts and trampling feet. "If you help me I can reward you."

James grinned. "I'm a knight, helping naive young nobles is part of the job description." He unsheathed his sword and stepped in front of the noble. "Now stand back."

"Get him! Get the hoarder!"

"HOARDER!"

"Cut him open and take the bread!"

The nobleman positively shrank behind James' horse. Then the rabble of angry peasants emerged into the clearing. Well fed looking peasants at that, James couldn't help but notice. "Alright guys, y'wanna explain to me why you're screaming about murdering an aristocrat? I mean sheesh, I'm guessing based on just his pinky ring that his parents can make you and your families all kinds of dead."

"Rathaway disinherited him so killing him won't count for nothing! He's just a thief, now stand back stranger."

James glanced behind him at the "nobleman" but he didn't lower his sword. "I thought you said you were going to reward me."

"I never said it was with my family's wealth."

"No, I suppose you never...well it's a good thing chivalry's anachronistic." James turned back to the peasants. "Still not letting you touch him. So I'm trained and armed, I've got an impressive tournament record and I've been to war in Scotland and France. How about you guys? Killed a lot of men baking and smithing?"

The peasants hesitated, then turned tail and ran the other way. James grinned.

"Alright stranger, so what's my reward?"

"It's Hartley, and..." He glanced down at his armful of bread, a rather reluctant expression on his face. "Um...would you accept some kind of eternal reward?"

"I'm a youngest son that's not a cleric. My reward interests are more earthly."

Hartley frowned. "Look, the serfs on my father's fief are starving because he actually has been hoarding during the famine. _Starving to death_. I've been stealing bread and bringing it back to them, and that's why I'm disinherited. I'd really rather have that sacrifice mean something by giving as much as possible to the serfs. But if you really think as a knight that you need the bread more..."

"Don't think you can guilt trip me here, I just saved you! I'm your knight in shining armor!"

"You're in a stained tunic. You're not exactly gleaming, sir..."

"James. D'ya want me to call the raiders back?" He snapped.

Hartley glared. "Those people are only starving to death because their lands are being raided constantly by armies on both sides of the war! You and your fellow knights are just as responsible for those deaths as my father, who keeps raising the taxes the worse the famine gets. Way to protect Christendom."

James sighed. "Can I have a nibble of real bread at least?"

Hartley sat down and angrily tore off almost a full loaf for him. "Here. The dead children are on you."

James tried to take a bite of the bread, almost got it to his mouth, and then dejectedly handed it back to Hartley. "I hate you."

Hartley smiled gratefully. "Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah. So what were you going to reward me with anyway?"

Hartley frowned, looking down at his clothes. "Hmph. I suppose I've ruined these pants, traded the vest and shoes already...I was going to save the ring but I suppose it's worth my life." He'd been muttering, but James caught it all and stared, wide eyed with disbelief.

"You're trading your clothes for food for strangers? Holy...geeze, what were you planning on doing to take care of yourself?"

"Um..."

"Hadn't thought of that?" James guessed.

Hartley shrugged. "It's not important."

"Alright, get on the horse stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"You're too dumb to watch over yourself, now get on the damn horse. I'm taking you to distribute that bread and then I'm teaching you how to fight, and then you're coming to camp with me and we're going to attack Scotland. If anyone asks, you're my squire."

"But I don't believe in fighting-"

"I don't believe in letting you kill yourself now get on the damn horse!"

...

"Well okay then."


	4. 4 Drinking Grape Juice out of Wine Glass

**Drinking Grape Juice out of Wine Glasses**

"What are those?"

"What are what?" Piper asked, confused.

"Those...those little human-like things! Why are there small children in our home?" James demanded, pointing at Jai and Irey like the aberrations they were.

Piper rolled his eyes while Irey fixed James with confused puppy eyes (Jai was distracted by an I-Pod and a DS).

"This is Irey and this is Jai. I'm only watching them for a few hours so Wally and Linda can have a night-"

"You're talking to the scarlet dildos again? I thought we agreed he was a lousy, manipulative asshat who used you!"

Irey tugged on Piper's sleeve. "Uncle Piper, what's a dildo?"

Piper glared at James. "Wally and I have discussed rebuilding our friendship, which is still a process, and I never stopped being friends with Linda. And Irey's my godchild. I was present for the twins' birth. They're in my life, so get used to it. Besides, _you're_ talking about using my friendship?"

"Okay, okay! Sorry I hit a nerve, sheesh." James trudged off to the bedroom. "They are _not_ allowed to get their sticky little fingers on my video games, watch my movies or play with my toys!" He yelled before slamming the door.

"Sorry about that Irey."

"You didn't answer my question uncle Piper."

"Um...let's play a game. Come on, into the kitchen. It'll be fun."

Because James hadn't said anything about his _culinary_ toys... 

James brooded in the bedroom for awhile, but when his stomach started rumbling he ventured out into the apartment, planning on darting right past the rugrats for the kitchen...but they weren't in the living room...shit.

James stormed into the kitchen, ready to yell at Piper and the kids, but was stopped by an insistent tugging on his pants. "Hello Mr. Tricksy man! Welcome to Cafe Funny McYum-Yum. My name is Irey and I will be your server lady. Can I seat you?"

"What are you doing?" James was finding it very hard to ignore the cute little girl in pigtails, but with effort he was able to direct a pleading look at Piper.

"Playing restaurant. Come on, have a seat." Piper was already sitting at the table with a crayon-drawn menu. They even had a dandelion in a bud vase.

Okay, the cute was winning.

James sat down across from Piper and looked at the menu. "I guess I'll have the special," he said, since it was the only thing on the menu.

"Okey dokey! I'll be right back." Irey jogged over to the counter where four bowls of chicken noodle soup were waiting. "Two specials!" She announced. Then she turned around. "Oh, um, you were having the special too right?"

Piper smiled and nodded while James laughed under his breath. Irey and Jai carefully served them the soup, a basket of crackers and filled their wineglasses with grape juice. After the adults finished eating they traded places with the kids, James sliding right into the imagination game even better than Irey and Jai. He adopted inconsistent silly accents while pretending to confuse their orders, and presented them with a fake bill that they paid with leftover crackers.

After dinner he got into an intense debate with Jai over whether X-boxes or Playstations were better, and then he watched a round of classic cartoons with Irey while Piper gave Jai a tour of his music collection. When Piper came back into the living room Irey was sleeping cuddled up next to a beaming James.

Linda arrived a few hours later than she'd said she was going to, very apologetic about it, but James insisted that it wasn't a problem. If anything, he wanted a sleepover visit next time.

Piper quirked an eyebrow. "What about their sticky little fingers?"

James ignored him. As soon as the West family departed he turned to face Piper with an adorable smile on his face. "We _need_ a couple of those."


	5. 5 Contrary to Popular Belief

**Contrary to Popular Belief**

"Look, contrary to popular belief, just because I'm attracted to men does not mean I am attracted to every idiot in spandex! I am not now, nor have I ever been, checking ANY OF YOU ASSHOLES OUT!" Piper stormed out of the hideout, slamming the battered door off its hinges as he left.

"Good riddance," Digger said. "Didja know he was a nance when you invited him to work with us Snart?"

"Yeah, if you knew you shoulda warned us," Mark added. "I don't like the idea of that kid staring at my butt."

Len closed his eyes and counted to ten. "Your ass is covered in lime green spandex Mardon. If you don't want people to stare, get a cape."

"Well it's okay for girls to stare-"

"You're an idiot. You guys are all _idiots_. You do realize you just ticked off a hypnotist who can alter your memories, right?" Len reminded them. That shut everybody up, because clearly they'd forgotten.

Sometime after the Rogues got in from the gay pride parade they'd inadvertently thrown glassy-eyed through downtown Central, they started talking about how exactly they should grovel to Piper. That was even before they'd noticed the sparkly pink and purple tutus they were wearing were super glued to their skin.


	6. 6 And the Record Begins with a Song of R

**And the Record Begins with a Song of Rebellion**

Hartley Robert Rathaway was already teen angsting at the age of six. He got moody and depressive, and spent the majority of his time brooding in his room whining at his parents about how they didn't understand him, even on the occasions when they weren't acting particularly self absorbed. Baffled, they often gave up trying to get him to go out trick or treating or open Christmas presents.

By the time he was in middle school teen angst had given way to rebellion. Anything the Rathaways told him to do, he'd do the opposite. When they tried reverse psychology, he anticipated it and infuriatingly did as he was told. He got detention, he got suspended, he got expelled and only when they threatened him with home schooling (which would have punished them all) did he stop picking fights with his teachers and fellow students.

Throughout his adolescence his rebellion had no structure, no purpose. His angst had given way to a slow burning anger at the injustices he saw around him, but he didn't know what to do about any of it, which only added fuel to the fire.

Then one day while he was sitting in the park jamming with some street musicians and complaining about how socially irresponsible capitalism was, and accidentally hypnotized a yuppie into giving his wallet to a homeless man, did he realize the power of linking his song to his rebellion...


	7. 7 Lucky Paper Stars

**Lucky Paper Stars**

It seemed like Central's mayor was almost _inviting_ the Rogues to trash the city these days. They'd had no less than an even dozen Flash Appreciation parades that year (could have had something to do with all the disasters he was averting though), and most of them had fallen on days that were asking for it. The one on April 20th, for example. And Piper had made James aware of the significance of Pi day (there were parts of downtown that still smelled faintly of banana cream, lemon meringue and cherry).

So when a Flash Appreciation parade was announced for New Year's Eve, Piper wasn't exactly shocked to find James in his workshop tinkering with the gimmicks.

"Dear God, what have you got planned this time?" Piper asked.

"It's a secret."

"Ah huh. Really, you can't let one of the others take this one this time? Mark had a pretty good four twenty." Really how could he not, with what he could make the wind do.

"Yeah, seeing the whole city on a contact high was pretty fun. But no, I've got this one covered." James went back to fiddling with a miniature cannon.

Sighing, Piper retreated to his bedroom, deciding to just leave James to it. He did start going through his pipes though, figuring he might have to spring James from jail to have his boyfriend around for the New Year's kiss.

Sure enough, just as Piper was starting to get cuddled in with his rats and a bottle of sparkling cider for the TV marathons, his show was interrupted for live coverage of Flash beating the Trickster senseless in the middle of the parade. It looked like James had at least partially accomplished whatever it was he was going for though, because Flash's costume had been altered to the point where Piper didn't initially recognize him; it was now hot pink with a rainbow afro stuck to the cowl and new years paper sunglasses attached at random.

Sighing, Piper kicked the rats off of their perches, stretched, and went to get changed into his costume.

LATER THAT NIGHT

James stared at the ceiling of his cell, grumbling to himself about how much fun the city currently wasn't being: they hadn't even let him keep his costume for New Years! And they wouldn't let him watch the New Years marathons with the other prisoners. Maybe Piper was right and he should have let someone else screw with the parade...

Then the entire wall of his cell exploded. When the dust cleared he looked up at his smiling boyfriend, who was clutching the mini cannon he'd left behind in his rush to screw with the parade. Even though the dust had settled, brilliantly colored confetti stars were still fluttering around the ruined cell.

"Brilliant! Oh Baby, you look so hot with my stuff!" James jumped up to join him while Piper tossed him a spare costume.

"Yeah, yeah. You know if you'd just listened to me, we could be home cuddling right now. But no, I had to do a holiday prison break."

"I guess I'll just thank my lucky paper stars that you thought I was worth the effort," James returned. "Huh. I'd have figured we'd be swarmed with guards right now."

Piper smirked. "Not with what Len and Sam have done to the parade since you've left. All the cops they could spare got called in. Come on, get changed so we can go watch the fireworks!"

"Sure thing. Hey, babe? Bring the cannon."


	8. 8 Music Lessons

**Music Lessons**

"But Iris, what if something happens and I'm needed?"

Iris smirked. "You've got your JL communicator on you, and might I add so does Wally. The Flashes are the first people to get called in an emergency. Hon, really, you've been resurrected for months now and you've only made like two social calls. You need to get out more."

"I know, but..." Barry was having a hard time voicing his reluctance. He sighed. "I guess it'll be nice having a cookout with Wally and his family. Weird, but nice." He still thought of his ex-sidekick as a hero worshipping teenager. It was weird to see him as a grown man with a family. It's not that he wasn't exceptionally happy for his nephew, it just made him feel really old.

Any discomfort Barry may have felt vanished as soon as he entered the West home. Wally hadn't changed so much as he'd grown, still the same puppyish core with added responsibilities. Barry and Iris spent some time in the yard with Wally and Linda while they grilled food, and watched Bart and Irey play an international version of hide and seek. Then something occurred to Barry.

"Where's your other kid? I haven't seen him all day."

"Hm? Oh, Jai's in his room. He's not quite the social butterfly Irey is," Linda explained. Barry frowned. Irey had been thrilled to see him. He wondered why her brother didn't care about meeting a famous formerly dead heroic great uncle.

Iris picked up on his annoyance. "You could always head upstairs and say hello yourself."

"I guess." Barry set his potato salad down to head into the house.

It took Wally a few minutes to notice his uncle had left. "Where'd Uncle Barry go?"

"Inside to say hello to Jai," Iris answered.

Wally's eyes widened. "Oh no, he can't go up there yet!" Wally zipped into the house, and Linda face palmed.

"I forgot about the music lesson!"

Meanwhile Barry had just gotten into Jai's room and was staring with disbelief. Jai and the Pied Piper were sitting on his bed with flutes and music stands, Piper now frozen in place staring back.

"Huh." Barry walked back into the hallway and closed the door, just in time to catch Wally. "So you know, there's a super villain in your son's bedroom."


	9. 9 The Amazing Rogues and their Educated

**The Amazing Rogues and their Educated Rodents**

Sometimes it really seemed like the rats were smarter than their people. To an extent, Piper certainly thought so, that's why he always had them around. James didn't...at first, but a series of events caused him to reassess that particular world view.

For one thing, they were very attuned to Piper's emotions, much more so than James. He considered himself good at reading people (went with conning), but Piper's thought process was so damned counter-intuitive that he made mistakes, lots of them, and often found himself on the receiving end of an impassioned liberal rant at best, or with a flute being hucked at his head at worst.

The rats had an uncanny sense of when danger was about to strike. James figured for awhile that Piper just kind of kept collecting new ones (it's not like there were a shortage of rats in the Cities), that scores of them must have died every time Piper was attacked (which was often), or had a residence destroyed. But no. Over time James got familiar with the rats' markings and personalities, and he noticed that the same core group of rats were always around, no matter how many fires or explosions they should have died in. After connecting those dots, he decided on a minimum-rat security level that he and Piper should pay attention to; if there were less than six rats in a given place they had to make a hasty exit.

Overall, the longer he spent with Piper the more respect he developed for the amazing educated rodents. One night Piper woke up alone in bed and ventured out into the living room, where James was indulging in a midnight snack and petting one of the rats. Intrigued (since James complained about the unhygienic beasts to no end), Piper hung back to watch. Sure enough, James started mumbling to the rat.

"How do you guys take such good care of him? You're gonna teach me, right?"

Smiling, Piper padded softly back to the bedroom and flopped under the covers. A few rats were perched on the headboard. "So what do you think now? Are you okay with me keeping him?"

Reluctantly, the rats decided it was for the best. They wanted their human to be happy, after all, and they were pretty smart rodents.


	10. 10 Icky Kissing

**Icky Kissing**

There are some constants that hold true in the universe, no matter the circumstance. For example, if you throw a damsel in distress off of a bridge, the super hero will go after her allowing you a few minutes to try to escape. If you take the sidekick hostage, the super hero will find your hideout in under an hour. If you taunt a super hero you will arrive at jail with a black eye (worse if you know the right buttons to push).

And if you play truth or dare with a bunch of intoxicated villains, no matter how creative the initial dares may be, eventually someone is going to dare someone else to kiss someone they find repulsive. You can only have someone rob so many banks in their underwear or try to catch a gimmicked boomerang with your toes so many times before you revert to the classic middle school version of the game.

"Let's see..." Trickster considered his utterly homophobic victim, and then looked around the room for someone suitably horrifying for Roscoe to liplock with. "I dare you to make out with..." As if to volunteer himself, Digger let out a loud beer scented belch. "Boomer. Make out with Boomer."

Predictably, both of the Rogues protested. But Roscoe was competitive enough not to want to lose the game, and Digger's point (you can't involve other players in a dare) was easily defeated through precedent. Begrudgingly, the two men traded an uncomfortable kiss that could only be described as 'icky'.

And just as predictably, Roscoe challenged James immediately after. James picked dare, and Roscoe looked around the room for the person he felt would be most horrifying to kiss. The ultra conservative locked eyes on the uber liberal. "Piper. I dare you to make out with Piper."

James made an effort to hide his smirk. He had to pretend that kiss sounded icky, after all.


	11. 11 Trickster Style Retaliation

**Trickster Style Retaliation**

_Setting: JLU-verse (this takes up from the end of someone else's prompt-fill. Wally accidentally maimed Weather Wizard and Trickster in the first part)_

Needless to say, while regrowing the skin on his legs, Piper was on bed rest coupled with enough pain meds to make Grodd woozy. So even though he'd adamantly insisted that Flash had _accidentally_ mangled him, and that he didn't need to be taught a lesson, the other Rogues felt it safe to ignore him.

Trickster, as usual, was convinced he'd come up with the perfect plan for revenge, and as usual the other guys ignored him. Which was fine. It's not like he _needed_ their help.

It just would have been nice is all. They could have at least pretended to listen to him (Piper always at least pretended...)

Trickster stopped by Piper's place to see if he needed anything before heading out to challenge the Flash. He refilled his water pitcher, put a new CD in, and switched his stack of magazines for a freshly swiped pile. "Thangss Trigs..." He slurred. "S'nice of you."

"No problem Piper. D'ya need me to change your bandages?"

"Uhm...n-no, s'okay."

"You sure?" Trickster offered. He started rooting around on the TV tray next to his bed for the supplies. "I bet I can get it right this time. I've been practicing. You're supposed to mash this cream into the pus, right?"

Piper took the tube of toothpaste from Trickster's hands and set it back down next to the ointment he'd (hopefully) been intending to grab. "S'fine Trigs. Sam's coming over."

"Oh. Okay then. Well feel better. Oh! And watch the news tonight. You should totally watch the news."

"Why? Whuddare you d-doing this time?" Piper asked, but Trickster had already left.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

Maybe it was an indication of how bad he still felt over mangling Piper and Weather Wizard, but for whatever reason the Rogues found it much easier to mess with Flash than usual, especially if they made tearing sounds and pointed to their calves.

That was probably it, now that Trickster thought about it, because even he was a little surprised his plan had worked. He'd never had that happen before, actually. He needed to think of a way to celebrate.

He'd waited outside a bank that was being robbed (normal hoods, or at least no one who hung out at the bar), and as soon as Flash zipped out with the bad guys he'd started hucking this goop he'd worked up awhile back and landed quite a few splotches on the scarlet figure below. The goop cleanly dissolved fabric, which would have been quite useful the other night when Piper and Weather Wizard showed up. Trickster made a mental note to always keep some on him.

After the goop dissolved off a goodly amount of Flash's costume (and confused him to no end) Trickster had hit him with a mini bazooka that wrapped him in a cocoon of band-aids.

"And they're the really, really sticky kind that hurt when you pull them off! Think of that the next time you wanna make Piper's skin all, all tear-y and full of pebbles! HE'S NICE!" And then he'd run off cackling into the night, because that seemed like a good villain exit.

Trickster poked his head back into Piper's bedroom just after the eleven o'clock news. Piper was sitting up in bed staring open mouthed at the TV, and then his face broke into a grin. "Did you do that?" He asked. Trickster fell in through the open window.

"Oof. Um, yeah, the band-aids were me."

"I noticed they were in my colors."

"Green and white for you, green and yellow for Mark," Trickster said with a nod. "I had ta do something."

Piper sighed. "No, you guys...you didn't _have_ to do anything. But if someone was going to avenge me, I'm glad it was you. Flash could use a little more Trickster-Style Retaliation now and then."


	12. 12 Overwhelming

**Overwhelming**

_Setting: JLU-verse_

Piper whistled to himself as he jogged up the walkway towards his apartment, a large bag of rat food under one arm while he dug around his pocket for his keys with the other. He pushed the door open, walked inside and then walked right back outside again.

He paced around his front lawn for a few minutes, trying to blink the mental image of what he'd just witnessed from his mind, tried to figure out if he'd really seen what he'd seen, and then tried entering his house again.

Nope, it was all still there. Everything in his apartment or making it up had been painted in rainbows...even his rats. He picked up a particularly traumatized looking little guy and started petting it. When the paint rubbed off on his fingers he noticed how fresh it was. The perpetrator must still be present...

Piper set the rat and the food down and then ran through his house, getting more angry as he went. He took the upstairs hallway too fast, skidded on a splash of wet paint and crashed into the wall.

Then a blonde and pink head finally stuck out from his bedroom. "Hi Piper! Welcome home."

"J-James? Tricks? Did you do this?" Piper asked. His anger was rapidly being replaced with confusion and a little bit of hurt. Of all the Rogues to break into his house and vandalize it, he hadn't expected it to be the Trickster. "I thought we were friends."

"Whaddya mean? Course we're friends." James walked over and helped him up. "It's a present. You don't like it?"

"Well, um, it's a little overwhelming, that's all. James...do you know what rainbows mean?" Piper pressed. He knew James did when he was in his right mind, but he clearly wasn't taking his meds, and if that was the case he was likely to confuse things.

"Um...I know rainbows mean Piper, and I like Piper so I should like rainbows...so Piper should like rainbows...um, happy birthday?"

"My birthday was last month. You baked me cupcakes, remember?"

"Oh. Hm. Well happy birthday again!" He said brightly.

Piper shook his head. 'At least it isn't a hate-crime' he thought. "Thank you, I guess. So...the paint _is_ washable, right?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I used tempera. It comes right off," James said with a nod. Then he frowned. "Um...d'ya want me to clean it up?"

"Oh heavens yes. But we don't have to do it now. Do you want to go get ice-cream or something?"

James beamed, hugged him, and in the process splattered them both with more brightly colored paint. "Can we rob something on the way back too?"

"Only if you're really good."


	13. 13 Sprinkles

**Sprinkles**

"Are you sure it's a good idea to leave your children with them? I mean, I know you said they reformed when I was dead, but..." Barry watched with some reluctance as his great-niece and nephew were herded into a house inhabited by two of his former enemies.

Wally rolled his eyes. "Geeze Uncle Barry, they're _fine_. Piper and Tricks are their favorite babysitters. I mean, sure, sometimes they come back a little wired from sugar, and one time Irey's hair was blue..."

"But it's otherwise harmless?" Barry finished.

Wally nodded. "They're a good match. James is fun and exciting, and if he gets too crazy Hartley reels him in. They've never once done something I seriously objected to, and they even call me and ask about some of their plans before they do them. Really, I feel better leaving the kids with them than almost anyone else. Now are you ready to head up to the Watchtower?"

"I guess."

* * *

"What...what is that?" Wally asked.

"It's a Sprinkles," Irey said sweetly, smiling up at her daddy.

"We named her that because of the little flecks in her fur," Jai explained.

"It looks like a rat. A really big one," Wally said. He poked Sprinkles' obese belly and she moved to bite him. He managed to get his finger away and glared at the kids. "You kids march right back to Piper's house and return that rat this instant!"

"But Da-ddy! Uncle Piper said we could keep her!"

"Yeah, she's a birthday present! You can't give back a birthday present!"

"Well who's going to tell your mom you brought a rat into the house? Cuz it's totally not me."

Irey pulled a threatening-to-cry face, but Jai hmmphed, took the rat into his arms and fearlessly marched into the kitchen to plead his case. Wally and Irey waited in the hallway. Jai walked back out a few minutes later hugging Spinkles and Linda's checkbook. "Mom said you need to go to the store and get a cage and some food and chew blocks."

Wally scowled. "Not really-"

"Yes really." Linda appeared in the doorway, a stern look on her face. "Hartley called me earlier and we talked about how pets teach children responsibility. Make sure you don't forget the chew blocks Wally."

He took the check book and left the house grumbling under his breath. He had a few choice words for his 'favorite' babysitters on the way back.


	14. 14 Twinkies

**Twinkies**

He probably should have paid more attention to the harried looking rat with white cream on its whiskers that ran out of the apartment as soon as Piper opened the door. He was tired and cranky though, so he just ambled into the entryway, dropped his messenger bag by the closet and started pulling off his shoes.

Then another seven or eight rats trampled down the hall, all heading for the door and all sporting differing levels of cream filling on their coats. Piper let them out, but now he was wary.

"James...?" He called. "Do I _want_ to know what's going on?"

"Um..." Came the hesitant reply. "If you come back in like half an hour, I'm pretty sure I can have everything cleaned up by then!"

Now absolutely positive he was going to be pissed off, Piper stomped into the living room. "...wh-what?"

"Twinkie ball pit?" James answered sheepishly.

"Twinkie ball pit..." Piper sighed. "That sounded like a good idea to you?"

"Well yeah, but then it turned out to mostly just be sticky," James said with a nod. He was wearing an obnoxiously colored bathing suit and sporting more cream filling than all the rats combined. The living room was splattered with cream and crumbs...the carpet was probably ruined, actually. Good thing Piper had metaphorically kissed his security deposit goodbye when he asked the other criminal to move in with him.

"I'm heading down to a cafe. This is just going to be an unpleasant memory when I return," Piper instructed.

"Okay." James waited for the front door to slam shut before he made his way into the kitchen for the cleaning supplies. "Shoulda gone with the Jell-o pool. A Jell-o pool will work much better than a Twinkie ball pit."


	15. 15 TakeOut

**Take-Out**

Piper went vegetarian sometime shortly after Trickster decided to make himself a regular feature in Rogues team-ups, with the result that he was the only one who remembered more than half the time. It made getting take out more of a hassle than it had been before (a massive bag of 99 cent tacos or burgers had been enough to satisfy the super criminals), and it meant unless Piper or Trickster were picking up the food, Piper went hungry, leaving their hideout grumbling to himself about what a miserable bunch of scumbags he was hanging with (to which Cold would often reply 'duh').

This also meant that when it was Piper's turn to run out and grab food he'd often come back with all sorts of exotic vegetarian dishes the Rogues had never heard of as vengeance. Mark and Len had particularly unadventurous palettes, so just the presence of tofu in a dish was enough to make them toss their share of the food to Piper's rats.

This all came in useful one night when Piper was sent out from the hideout to grab dinner and bring some diamonds to their current fence. Feeling particularly pissy towards his cohorts, Piper decided to outdo himself and serve them something he didn't even like himself: smelly tofu. They'd been referring to him collectively as 'Nancy the Nag' for almost a full week now: they deserved it.

Piper was just leaving the little hole-in-the-wall Taiwanese place when he saw a scarlet blur moving towards him in the distance. Panicked, since Flash wasn't above strip searching him even in his civvies, Piper did the only thing he could think of and dropped the diamonds into the steaming box of fermented bean curd.

The blur passed him, looped back around, and suddenly Piper was pinned up against a wall by an aggressive speedster. "'Lo Flash."

"Evening Piper. Just what are you up to this time?"

"My nefarious plot for the evening? Grab lunch and catch a PBS special on the early days of jazz. I'll relent if the city pays me a tidy sum though. Oof!" Flash shoved him into a pile of garbage cans. "Ow...come on, that actually hurt! I'm on parole this time and everything-you're just beating up a civilian now."

"With a record like yours you'll never not be a suspect," Flash snapped. "Now what are you really up to?"

Piper waved his bag of take out. "Getting dinner! Seriously, not everything I do is a master plan!"

Flash yanked the bag out of his hands. "I'll just see about-EUGH! What the hell are you eating?"

"Why Flasher, you look a little pale. Are you alright?" Piper asked. Flash returned the smelly tofu to him, started to answer, gagged, and then ran off to be sick somewhere.

Laughing to himself, Piper picked up his bag and started back towards the hideout.

Then he remembered he still had to pick the diamonds out of the tofu. 


	16. 16 Evil Minions

**Evil Minions**

"You're all my evil minions, now dance, dance for your lives! 'No, please, mercy! _MERCY_! Argh, what a world, what a world!'"

James let out an impressive cackle as the Martian Manhunter action figure melted into the grill. "Toss me another one!" He called. Giggling, Irey handed him the Superman action figure. "Well Supes, did that demonstration sway you, or are you still resisting my evil bidding? 'We'll never be your minions Trickster. Do your worst.'"

"Oh no, not Trickster's worst!" Irey shouted.

"He can't hurt Superman though. Not with a grill," Jai pointed out.

"That's where you're wrong Jai. This isn't just any grill." James tossed some powder onto the charcoal, sending up a cloud of green smoke. "It's a Kryptonite grill now!"

The twins both shrieked with pretended fear while James made the Superman action figure howl in agony during its demise. He melted a few more Justice League toys, turned off the grill and then stood in front of the seven year olds with his arms folded across his chest. "So?"

"So what?" Jai returned.

"So are you gonna admit I was a cool villain when I wanted to be, or are you still gonna call me a wiener in stripes?"

"I like you better as a babysitter than a villain," Irey finally said, since Jai was stalling rather than admitting he was wrong. "Can we play video games now?"

James sighed. "Sure, we can play video games. But let's make sundaes first. Really messy ones that make us all sticky so we have to take showers with the sprinklers and the Slip n' Slide."

"Yay!"

Well if he was going to be a cooler babysitter than villain he'd just have to be the freaking _coolest_ babysitter ever.


	17. 17 Ronald McDonald

**Ronald McDonald**

It was just Piper's luck that when the Rogues were blasted with a strange radiation that de-aged them to somewhere between the ages of three and ten that he was the only one left unaffected.

Then again he often felt like their babysitter anyway.

"Pi-per! Lenny put an ice cube down my back! Can I light him on fire?"

"Where'd you put my weather wand? I wanna have a snowball fight! Come on, I can't reach it way up there!"

"I'm a'posed to be big. Can't I have just a little sip of the beer?"

"For the last time Boomer, your four year old liver can't handle it, now shut up and go to bed!"

He was five seconds from hypnotizing the lot of them into comas for the duration of their second childhoods.

The three year old James toddled over to him, tugged on Piper's tights and pointed at his mouth. "Use your words James. Are you hungry?"

"Uh huh. Ice cream?"

"No, you can't have ice cream for supper."

"WANT! ICE CREAM!"

And then all of them were screaming for it. "Shut up, just shut up! What if I get you happy meals? Those come with toys!"

"Toys!" The little terrors screamed. Piper herded them into the mini-van he'd stolen after being landed with the worst baby sitting job ever and headed for a drive through.

They were just pulling up to the McDonalds when Lenny jumped out of his seat and bonked Piper on the back of the head. "There's a playland. I wanna go inside."

"You can't have everything you want."

"When you're a Rogue you can. I wanna go inside! C'mon guys, he's got sensitive ears. Everyone scream!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"ALRIGHT! WE'LL FRIGGIN' GO INSIDE!"

At first when the mini Rogues and their frazzled looking guardian entered the McDonalds the patrons just kind of froze in bewilderment. Then, when Piper trudged up to the counter to order there was a massive beeline for the door.

"I need ten happy meals please. And give me about a dozen extra toys." He forsaw a lot of snapping plastic.

"I want that toy!" Little Roscoe said, pointing to the display case.

"Here you go little sir. F-Free of charge." The kid behind the counter tossed him one from under the counter. Piper face palmed.

"Why'd you have to...?"

Once the little Rogues smelled the fear of the workers they unanimously decided to take over the McDonalds. Lenny declared the play-land his base, while Roscoe took over the dining room, and both Rogues recruited the rest to their respective sides.

"Lenny, cut it-MICK PUT THAT DOWN! Boomer, get your head out of that-ROSCOE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU THROW THAT TOP-"

Then the disgruntled man who'd been called in to play Ronald McDonald for a special event trudged in from the break room. He took one look at the chaotic children, decided he wasn't being paid enough, and started for the door.

Little Trickster stared wide eyed at the angry clown, pointed at him and then burst into tears. "What are you...?" Tiny Mark asked, then he noticed the clown and started screaming too.

Soon all of the kids were running in terror from the Ronald McDonald. Piper gaped at the man, who shrugged. "It's been happening to me all day. I think kids are afraid of clowns."

"Yeah, yeah I used to be afraid of Ronald McDonald too," Piper remembered. Then he turned to the screaming Rogues. "ALRIGHT KIDS, STOPPIT! Now if you don't behave and stop trying to rob places, not only will you not get your happy meal toys, but I'll bring Ronald home with us!"

"NOOOOO!"

"We'll be good, promise!"

"I'm a-scared of the clown man Piper!"

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" 


	18. 18 Blatt Vs Rats

**Blatt Vs. Rats**

Piper woke up feeling warm and snuggly, the type of feeling that kept you in bed hours after you should have gotten up. He threw out an arm to snuggle his boyfriend and instead hit a pile of little furry bodies.

Well that wasn't right.

Even though the rats did often curl up with him in bed, they'd never done it all at the same time before. Reluctantly he cracked an eye open and realized he hadn't been exaggerating (or if he was, not by much). It looked like every rat he'd invited in to frequent his apartment had pushed its way onto the bed. When he sat up a small one fell off his head and landed in the pile.

"Hey guys, what's got you all so rattled?" He picked up a large tan one and started petting her.

He got up to investigate, wondering where James was (although if he'd woken up to a mass exodus of rats, there was a good chance Piper no longer had a boyfriend). Most of the rats remained huddled in fright on the bed, but a few braver ones followed at his heels.

He found James in the living room having an argument with someone out of his line of sight.

"Listen, we've been over this too many times now. You're just not welcome here. I'm sorry, but it's not going to change. Isn't there like an island of misfit gimmicks you can go to or something?"

"James, what are you...oh no." Piper edged the rest of the way into the living room and laid eyes on the Blatt. Well, now he understood what had the rats so spooked, at least.

"I know!" James exclaimed. "I got up to make breakfast, and in comes this, this thing, and then all the rats went nuts and booked it to the room. I've been trying to get it to leave all morning but it's not working."

The Blatt visibly brightened at seeing Piper. It charged through the living room, crushing some of their furniture in the process, and rubbed up against Piper like a puppy.

Or...more like a cat in heat.

"Blatt, come on, stop that!" Piper yelled. The Blatt bounced up and down excitedly and knocked him over. "Oof!" It landed on top of him, snuggling happily. Piper tapped a few fingers against the carpet, irate, while the few rats that had followed him sought perches on James.

"This isn't funny," Piper snapped, since James had been about to laugh.

"Nervous laughter. Baby, we've moved three times to avoid this thing. I agreed to share you with the rats, but this is a bit too much."

Piper glanced up at the Blatt. "You hear that? Look, Blatt, it's not going to work. This is beyond star crossed. I'm a human being and you're a symbol. Can you please accept that and just...move on?"

The Blatt visibly deflated, making a sound like a bagpipe being punctured.

"Oh come on, don't cry," James gingerly patted its stem. "I'll take good care of him, I promise."

Piper pulled himself out from under the Blatt and stood up. "I'm sorry Blatt. If I knew how, I'd make you a companion. But I didn't even know I was making you when I did."

James paused as something occured to him. "A companion...Piper, I think I know where we can send the Blatt."

LATER

"Oolong island?"

"It's more an island of misfit super villains than symbols, but...looks fun, at least," James explained.

"How'd you even hear about this?" Piper asked.

"They were recruiting super scientists...and I blackmail a few of those." He turned away from Piper's disapproving scowl to face the Blatt. "Here, we packed you a lunch in case you need to eat, never really noticed if you did or not. And there's a scarf in there in case you get cold, and a few pictures for old times sake. Now you make sure you have someone who can speak call us and let us know you got in alright, okay?"

The Blatt bobbed up and down, its version of a nod.

"Good luck Blatt." Piper leaned over and gave it a quick hug before it floated off for its flight. "You know, in a weird way, I'm kind of going to miss that thing."

"Yeah, me and the rats won't."


	19. 19 Wings

**Wings**

Piper wasn't exactly at his villanious best the night he first met the Trickster. He was running full tilt across a rooftop hugging a sack full of money to his chest, stray bills flying out behind him leaving a trail just in case the pursuing speedster behind him lost sight of him.

He was expecting to be caught by Flash any second, and that was when he ran right into the traps the other criminal had set up for the scarlet speedster. Patches of the roof lit up in a dazzling display of fireworks, blinding Piper and making it hard to avoid the spectacular pies and rubber chickens (with aviator goggles) that were being launched at him. He lost balance and fell off the roof.

Then he was caught by an angel without wings, or at least that's how his panicked mind saw it. A gorgeous young man with pale, wavy hair and a dazzling smile caught him by the ankle and hauled him to safety.

"Sorry about that Red. Didn't think the expo was going to see quite that much action tonight. Least Flasher's too busy to tail us now though."

"Y-yeah," Piper answered dazedly, still staring. "Are you...vertical stripes?"

"Yeah, cuz polka dots are so much better. I'm the Trickster. Who the hell are you?"

"Pied Piper. Um...thanks. For, for saving me."

Trickster's pout relaxed back into a smile. "No problem. I mean, it was my fault you fell...kinda."

"Yeah. So, um, do you ever do team ups?"


	20. 20 Rooftop Dalliance

**Rooftop Dalliance**

"You know, I think this is the longest we've ever had a date go without-"

"Ssh, you'll jinx it!" Wally hissed.

"Sorry, sorry." Linda grasped his hand and started swinging it. They really were having a perfect night though. Big full moon lighting up a stroll through the park after a perfect dinner...and now there was a man jogging towards them on flying shoes. "Sorry, the jinx was totally my fault."

"It's okay." Wally sighed. "Hi Trickster."

"Hey Flash. You seen Piper? I can't find him anywhere and I-"

"He's busy."

"Busy?" James' brow wrinkled in confusion. "No, see I checked his workshop and all his volunteer hotspots. Like I said, I can't find him anywh-"

"He's on a date, James," Wally said. "Y'know, sometimes people do that." He faked a cough and tilted his head to indicate his highly amused girlfriend.

"Oh, right. So where's he having his date?"

Wally's eyes widened. "Really? Can't you just wait on whatever this is?"

"Not really, no. It's time sensitive. So I'll hover after you and your beautiful companion all night unless you tell me where Piper is."

"Wally, don't you-"

"He's in Bludhaven."

"Blud-well thanks. See you around." James took off into the skies and Linda punched Wally's arm.

"What the hell did you do that for?" She asked.

"What? I thought you didn't like Piper going out with Nightwing anyway!"

"I don't, but that still doesn't mean you should ruin his date!"

"Do you know how big Bludhaven is? James is never gonna find them anyway."

SOME HOURS LATER

"So anyway, sorry to interrupt your little rooftop dalliance, but an old friend of mine had her son kidnapped, so I need to take you to a third world country to get him back."

Piper glared up at the man sitting on a gargoyle. "He's really there, isn't he?"

"Unless we're having the same hallucination," Nightwing answered.

Piper smacked a hand to his forehead. "James, I'm busy!"

"C'mon, this'll only take a few days. A week tops."

Piper turned back to Nightwing. "I'm really sorry about this."

"Hey, at least he's asking...kind of. I'm really sorry about last week-"

"It's okay, it didn't take _that_ long for the rats to chew me out of the rope. Still can't believe Batman left me hanging outside a police station though. Does he know how long it's been since I've committed a crime?"

"With his meticulous record keeping? Of course. He just didn't care. Look, if you gotta take this, take it. We can have crime fighting foreplay and kinky roof sex some other time."

"You're sure?"

Nightwing nodded. Piper kissed him goodbye and then walked over to James. "Alright, so who kidnapped who and brought them where now?"


	21. 21 Jealous Much?

**Jealous Much?**

James Jesse was pretty good at reading people, and angst-prone emotional twenty somethings like the Pied Piper didn't make it much of a challenge anyway. He noticed pretty early in that the Piper had a crush on him. At first it weirded him out, but then he'd discovered how useful it could be...

It's not like Piper had made a move on him or anything. Mostly he just stared at Trickster a lot with a dazed smile, laughed at jokes that weren't funny, and got talked into really stupid team ups.

Plus it was a really nice confidence boost.

So when Piper started skipping team ups, James noticed the distinct lack of his favorite starry eyed fan boy. He told himself he didn't care, but after a few weeks of being told to shut the hell up when he cracked a joke and not getting any takers for some of his more bizarre team up offers, he was forced to admit he missed Piper. He decided to investigate where the hell his fan boy had gone.

_

'I am not jealous. Nope, not jealous in the least.' James lied to himself.

But really, if Piper was going to ditch out on teaming up with the Rogues (and thus ditch out on indulging his infatuation with James) to make out with some random schmuck, the random schmuck should _at least_ be cute. That asshole that James had never met, he just instinctually knew he wasn't good enough for Piper.

He wasn't jealous.

The slinky cocoon, glue pies and exploding yo-yos he'd tossed at Piper's ugly date, well, that was just James being protective. There's a difference, after all.


	22. 22 Safety or lack thereof

**Safety (Or Lack Thereof)**

"This...seems like a bad idea James."

"It's fine. We'll be fine. If anything makes us not fine, it's totally your worry-wart attitude."

Piper frowned. "I don't think it's just my worry-wart attitude. I really think gravity will have a lot more to do with it."

"We don't have a lot of time Piper. D'ya wanna try your chances with Flash and head to Iron Heights, or are you coming with me?" James extended a hand, which Piper hesitantly accepted.

As Piper predicted, James' shoes were not powerful enough for two full grown men while damaged. They almost made it to the other rooftop before the air walkers sputtered out and died. James clung to Piper for dear life while they plummeted, mostly out of instinct from the looks of it since he was also laughing.

PLOP

Luckily, the self-inflating moonbounce gimmick James had worked up as a safety net worked perfectly. The two Rogues bobbed up and down for a few minutes getting their breath back, a bit giddy from the fall.

"Sucks to gravity!" James crowed.


	23. 23 Broken Bones

**Broken Bones**

"Come on, you _know_ you want to team up with me."

"Well, yes, that's not what's in question."

"Then what's got your polka dotted panties in a twist?"

Piper leveled a glare on the Trickster. "I do _not _wear polka dotted panties."

"Your metaphorical panties then," Trickster returned with an oblivious smile.

"What's got my metaphorical panties in a twist is the sheer idiocy of your plan."

"Ouch. That's not very nice you know."

"Tricks, how is this stunt going to be profitable? The only result I can see here is broken bones. Lots. Of. Broken. Bones."

"Oh, you're one of those guys who only teams up if there's money to be had? That's no fun."

Piper sighed. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, wondering if spending time with the cute blond was really worth this headache. It's not like he had a shot with him anyway. The other young criminal appeared to be nauseatingly straight (how boring).

"So if you're not after loot, just what is it you're going for?" Piper asked.

"A little chaos. Shaking things up. Getting some attention."

"Getting pounded by the Flash, if not the entire Justice League, and dragged to Iron Heights."

"That's not the fun part, but if that's what happens I can take it. C'mon Piper...it'll be more fun with two of us..."

And so, potential injuries aside, the pretty pair of blue eyes talked Piper into sneaking into the Justice League headquarters on April Fool's Day with paint guns, eggs, buckets of water for all the doorways, rolls of toilet paper, stink bombs, and the classic-flaming bags of dog shit.


	24. 24 Father's Day

**Prompt: Father's Day**

Setting: Teen Titans AU (of the possible-future variety)

"So do you know what you're doing for your dad?" Irey asked. Lian nodded.

"I'm painting him a picture-"

"Lame! Look hon, if you need to borrow money..."

"Irey, it's a portrait I'm making from my absolute favorite picture of me and Daddy when I was a baby, and it's one of our only pictures that survived when our house in Star was destroyed."

Irey blushed. "Oh. Well I'm a jack ass."

"What are you doing?" Lian asked.

"Me and Jai are going in together on a phone that we're pretty sure we can make Daddy-proof," She said proudly. "Jai tinkered with it, then he gave it to Piper to play with, and we even got Batman to add some features. We're gonna try dropping it from the top of Titan's tower before we go home just to make sure. Mom said she'd cry happy tears if we managed to make a cell phone Daddy can't break."

"Mm. Speaking of Batman, gotta wonder what Damey's gonna do. How do you get a Father's Day present for Mr. I-am-the-night?" She wondered.

Irey giggled. Then she noticed the newest Teen Titan passing through the room, and on impulse invited him into the conversation. "Hey Billy! What are you getting your dad for Father's-oops. Oh Billy, I'm really sorry. I wasn't even thinking."

"She very rarely is," Lian added. She got up and walked over to Billy while Irey fidgeted behind her. He smiled serenely at them.

"It's okay. Even when my father was alive, we didn't see enough of each other to celebrate the day."

"Yeah, I'm like that with Mother's Day. It's just another day, right?" Lian said around an awkward smile.

"I didn't mean to turn the conversation so uncomfortable. I'll leave you guys to your planning."

"Billy, it's okay-" But he'd already walked off. Irey sighed. "He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you." Lian rolled her eyes. "But really Irey, 'what are you doing for Father's Day'? Way to be. Way to be."

Meanwhile, Billy Hong had excused himself so he could continue the preparations for his first observance of the holiday.

* * *

James shot up in bed, instinctively throwing his hands over his face. He blinked a few times, then stared at one of his hands, sure there was something wrong with it being there. And he damn well shouldn't have been in bed.

...What the hell?

Then a smiling Asian teenager walked into the room, carrying a tray of breakfast foods with a card on it. He sat down on the end of the bed. James stared at him.

"...did I get shot in the face?"

"You did, yes. Quite some time ago now."

"Oh. Um. Who are you?"

"Billy," The teenager answered. James continued to look at him blankly. "Hong. Billy Giovanni Hong."

"_Oh_. Oh, that was awhile ago then." James eyed the breakfast tray. "Um..."

"Happy Father's Day. I brought you back to life and made you breakfast. Do you like scrambled eggs?"

"Y-yeah, yeah. Scrambled eggs work."


	25. 25 IPod

**I-Pod**

"Wally, did you really invite super villains to your children's birthday party?" Barry asked.

Wally looked around at the crowd. "Did I? If I did, it wasn't intentional-oh! You mean Piper and James, right? Uncle Barry, they're not villains anymore."

"According to the records at work they are. Although the records do seem to be a bit outdated. I thought Trickster was dead."

"Me too. Huh. Well I said Piper could bring a guest. I'm gonna go ask him when James was res'd. Did you get cake yet?"

Barry couldn't help but feel like he was being brushed off.

"Guys, it's time for presents!" Linda announced.

"_PRESENTS_!" Irey and Jai dove for the present table and fidgeted eagerly in front of it until the guests gathered around them. Linda picked up two identically wrapped gifts and handed them to the appropriate twin.

"Make sure you read the cards," She intructed.

"To Irey...love Uncle Barry and Auntie Iris," Irey rattled dutifully, while Jai crumbled his and threw it over his shoulder. Linda was going to say something, but Wally was already laughing and they'd agreed to present a unified front of discipline to the kids.

"Present-present-pre...what the heck's this?" Jai asked.

"Jai, be nice!" Linda hissed.

"It's an ant farm," Barry explained. He shrugged. "I had one when I was a kid."

"Sea monkeys?" Irey read the label of her box confusedly. "Neat...are they really tiny monkeys?"

Iris rolled her eyes. "We'll take you kids to the toy store when you sleep over next weekend, how's that?"

"Works for me. Mom, gimme the next present!" Jai said eagerly.

"Can you at least throw in a please? Alright, I'm guessing these ones are from James based on the color scheme..." Linda pulled the striped packages off of the table, and Barry hissed in a quick breath.

"They're from me and Piper. Sorry kids, we went in halfsies on your presents."

"That's okay," Irey said sweetly. Jai was scowling though, mumbling about how small the boxes were.

"Two super villains bought those gifts and Wally's really going to let the kids open them?" Barry hissed. Iris elbowed him. "Rathaway's a hypnotist and Jesse's a pro with explosions."

"Barry, really-"

And then in a blur of movement he grabbed both of the presents.

"_HEY_!" The twins yelled.

"I'm just going to make sure these are safe first-"

"Barry, I know you mean well-" Linda was cut off by an indignant Piper.

"Will you get the stick out? They're I-Pods, not weapons of mass destruction!"

"And just what in the world is an I-Pod?" Barry asked suspiciously.

Irey was crying. "Only the best present ever. Can I have it please?"

"Uncle Barry, you can't pick on Piper and Tricks just because their presents are better than yours!" Jai snapped. "Now gimme my I-Pod!"

Startled, Barry gave the kids the presents back.


	26. 26 It's Not Allergies, It's

**"It's not allergies, it's-"**

Trickster was having a hyper day, making him downright obnoxious, and it's not like the Rogues were known for their even tempers. He was getting good at dodging the boomerangs and tops, but the effects of the weather wand were a lot harder to ignore.

"Just shut up already! If you're that bored, sit still and read a book!" Mark yelled.

James pouted. "I'm trying to be LESS bored." And then he was being chased by a mini downpour.

Piper had been sitting on the steps by the backdoor of the hideout with his headphones on and an ACLU leaflet, waiting for the others to get down to business. James trudged up to him looking miserable and pouty, absolutely drenched with his sodden bangs dripping water into his eyes. He took off his cape, wrung it out, threw it over the railing and then sat down next to Piper.

"You know what Hartley, I like how you don't throw things at me or make it rain on me. D'ya mind if I sit with you while I dry off? It's nice and sunny over here and Cold's got the AC cranked inside."

"G-go right ahead," Piper stuttered. He was staring at the way the wet fabric was clinging just right to James' lean athletic figure. The hideous costume actually suited him for once. Blushing, he turned back to the leaflet.

"Whatcha reading?" James asked.

"St-stuff."

"Piper, are you okay? Your face is getting all red and you look a little dazed."

"M'fine. Uh...it's allergies."

"Oh. Okay." Then James stripped off his costume top and basked in the sun. Piper suddenly had a coughing fit, jumped up, and excused himself for the hideout. James quirked an eyebrow, but went back to his sun-drying. Then he caught sight of Mick walking up the hideout and waved at him. "Hey Mick, what's up?"

"Hey Jesse."

"D'ya think Piper's okay? He just took off all of a sudden from his allergies."

Mick smirked. "C'mon James, it's not allergies-"

"Yeah it is. He just said he has allergies."

Mick took one look at the half dressed dripping wet blond sitting out in the sun. "Ah huh. Allergies. Right."


	27. Polymorph A

**Polymorph A**

"That's it, I'm out." Piper scooted his chair back from the poker table/planning table, grabbed his flute, and started towards the door.

"Look kid, we're not gonna increase your take, so stop all the drama and sit back down," Len snapped.

Piper laughed. "You think this is about the money?" He glanced around the room and noticed the confusion on the other Rogues' faces. "Wait, none of you see any kind of potential pitfall in teaming up with Abra Kadabra?"

"He's a little cheesy, but-" Mark started.

"Cheesy? He's unstable! And I don't mean in the harmless way like us!"

"Rather be working with him then against him then," James pointed out.

Piper rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm out."

That night Piper was woken up by several distressed, brightly colored rabbits (all the Rogues' colors, he noticed). He sighed. "So, how'd the team up go?"

"I think you damn well know how the team up went," The Cold bunny squeaked in a cartoon voice. "We need opposable thumbs. You're gonna help us, right?"

Piper sighed. "I'll get my costume."


	28. 28 Polymorph B

**Polymorph B **

It took awhile for all the speedsters to come around to trusting them, but once they did Piper and James found themselves invited to West family functions with the same frequency enjoyed before all the deaths and resurrections. They weren't always good times though.

Piper was sitting with his head in his hands, getting moodier and moodier the longer he stayed at the fourth of July BBQ. All the happy couples around him were downright depressing. The sun seemed to be glinting particularly viciously off of everyone's wedding bands (well okay, it only _seemed _that way because of his angsting: everyone's jewelry was catching the sun). It made him particularly mindful of how barren his own fingers were.

James noticed him brooding and suggested they leave early.

* * *

"So what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Babe, I have known you way too long to be playing this game. You're talking to the man who died and came back for you. Now what is wrong?"

Piper sighed. He looked down at their hands. "It just...sucks. That we can't have, well we can't _really _have what Wally and Linda have, or Barry and Iris, or Joan and Jay. I mean, we could have a symbolic marriage, but...sometimes it depresses me."

"I happen to think we've shown our feelings for each other in much more important ways than a flimsy band of gold."

"I know, I know. Like I said, it wasn't important."

James frowned, because he didn't agree.

* * *

A few days later Piper got in from working at the shelter and found a trail of blue and yellow flower petals leading to the bedroom. He followed it to find the bedroom lit with candles and the bed covered with more flower petals...and an unappealing lump of soft grayish rock.

"James...what the hell is that?"

"Graphite."

...

"Why is there graphite on the bed?"

"It's a symbol. See, graphite is chemically the same thing as diamond, but with much weaker chemical bonds."

"Uh huh...so our love is weak like pencil lead?" Piper still wasn't following.

"No! Not at all. Diamond has such hard bonds because it forms deep in the earth where there's a lot of pressure. Graphite, however, is the same thing living exactly as it's supposed to. Diamonds don't really last forever; you give them enough time above ground and they're going to turn into graphite, because that's what they want to be in this pressure. So I think graphite's a pretty good symbol of our love. It might not be all ritzy and self important like diamonds, but it's just what it's supposed to be even if everyone else doens't see the beauty."

"James...that is..." Piper smiled. He couldn't think of anything to say to that.

After that night the lump of graphite remained prominently displayed in their living room, though they didn't often explain its presence.


	29. 29 SingALong

**Sing-A-Long**

"We should so totally do that!"

Piper nodded. "I know. There've got to be dozens of buildings in the old industrial distict of Keystone alone that we could get renovated and turned into shelters-"

"Not that, that!" James waved his hand impatiently at the TV. Piper stared at him, waiting for an explanation. They were watching Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.

"James...if you're not talking about Penny collecting signatures..."

"The singing! We should totally do sing-a-longs when we pull heists! Can you imagine how much it would confuse Flash?"

Piper paused the movie. "That would never work."

"Why not? Music's even your gimmick. It'd work fine."

"People don't spontaneously burst into song for a reason James. Numbers like that take a lot of preplanning and coordination."

James nodded thoughtfully. "So...if we added rehearsing time to our planning sessions-"

"James, no!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm the music guy and it would make a lot of extra work for me! Plus it'd just be stupid, I mean, it's not like we'd have back up music playing. We'd just look like a bunch of idiots trying to sing while getting punched at super speed."

"...getting back up musicians can't be that different from hiring henches."

"I swear to god James, if I catch you auditioning a backing band I'm never robbing anything with you again!"

"Fine, fine."

But the next time they did fight Flash, Piper noticed James humming something about the keys to a shiny new Australia.


	30. 30 Sword and Sarcasm

**Sword & Sarcasm**

Setting: Early 14th Century AU

"I don't know about this...I've never even held a sword before," Hartley mumbled. He'd barely finished whining when a sword was flung at his head. "Yah!" He instinctually caught it.

"There. Problem solved-wow, you really are doing it wrong."

"I wasn't kidding!" Hartley snapped, defensive. James stood behind him and started moving his hands and arms, correcting his posture and grip. Hartley blushed and bit his lip, trying not to think too much of it. Then..."Whoa! Does your hand need to be on my inner thigh?"

"One sec..." James prodded him. "Now it doesn't. Unless you want it there?" He asked, and even though he was still standing behind him, Hartley just knew he was grinning.

"Don't f-flatter yourself."

"Nice stutter. Alright, c'mon rich boy, first sword fighting lesson." James walked over to his horse and retrieved a spare sword. Then he charged.

"Bah!" Hartley yelled, startled. He just barely swung his sword in time to block James. "Aren't you going to instruct me?"

"Sure! Don't let me lob your head off." James grinned, swinging again. Hartley fell over deflecting him that time, and just barely managed to scramble to his feet before James swung again. This time he not only knocked Hartley over, but also knocked the sword out of his hands. "It's also a good idea to keep a grip on your weapon."

"How do you expect me to learn anything like this?" Hartley yelled.

James shrugged. "You're a squire. You don't have to be good to be convincing. You're really more like my equipment boy."

Hartley glared up at him from the patch of mud he was laying in. "I hate you."

"No you don't. I'm saving your life."

"No, I'm pretty sure you're not and that I hate you."

James collected the swords, wiped them off, and repacked them. "How many times over would you have been carried off by raiders for a ransom your family wouldn't pay if you weren't traveling with someone who was armed?" James asked quietly.

Hartley stalled, because the answer was a fair few. James smirked.

"C'mon rich boy. We've still got a long ways before we make camp." James extended a hand. With a reluctant sigh, Hartley took it.


	31. 31 ThaiTie Food

**Thai/Tie Food**

"There's something wrong with my burger."

"Is it too cold? I might need to put it back in the microwave."

James frowned. "Okay, there's something _really _wrong with my burger if it was cooked in a microwave. And why's it all chunky and full of corn?"

"Oh." Piper laughed. "It's a veggie burger, that's why. So the temperature's okay?"

James narrowed his eyes. "Why the holy hell am I eating a veggie burger? Wait, I'm totally not." He threw it on the ground where it was quickly picked apart by a flurry of rats. Piper's face fell.

"I've told you serveral times now, I went vegetarian." He walked over to the fridge and came back with a little pamphlet that he'd stuck to the freezer with a magnet. It was chock full of vegetarian propaganda presented in stylish colors. "The statistic about ending world hunger with the grain consumed by cattle is what won me over."

"Do _I_ have to be a vegetarian too though?"

"Of course not. But if you won't even try my food you should probably eat at your own house."

James scowled. "Why do I get the feeling that this is just gonna suck?"

Over the next couple of weeks James' initial mild displeasure at Piper's new eating habits shifted into all out loathing. It wasn't long before "doing the right thing" created a blinding aura of smug. James wasn't even allowed to keep meat products at Piper's house, which meant they were eating out more, but Piper had to pick the restaurant because James always suggested places without vegetarian options.

James was introduced to all manner of food he found disgusting in quick succession, most of it foreign. Mattar, Inari, Chow Fun, bland ass bean chiles, spinach salads, and slimy servings of tofu pad thai. He finally called shenanigans.

Of course, he announced the shenanigans as only a Trickster would.

* * *

Piper trudged downstairs for a midnight snack, blearily made his way to the refrigerator, and blindly reached for the first take out box he got a hand on. "Mm...thai food." He grabbed a fork, sat down on his couch, and dug in.

"T-tie food?" His leftovers had been replaced with the shreds of a blue and orange striped tie. He went to the fridge to investigate and found all of his vegetarian food similarly substituted. His mattar was replaced with styrofoam (with a note suggesting he wouldn't notice a difference) and his veggie burgers had been swapped with hockey pucks.

Sighing, Piper finally nodded to himself. "Alright James, shenanigans admitted. We'll talk compromise."


	32. 32 That's So Cliche

**That's So Cliche**

James folded his arms across his chest. "Well it is."

"It is totally not," Brother Grimm huffed. "It's archetypal. You two are second rung villains. You have no appreciation for classics."

"You know, the washed up villains always start calling their plans 'classics' when they can't come up with something that will work," Piper pointed out. James nodded in agreement.

"Of course it's going to work! Going after the hero's friends and family always works!"

"So how's it working out for you?" James asked.

Brother Grimm spluttered for a second. "I'm going to smite you! I don't need _you _for the death trap; the musician is the one who's friendly with West!"

James still didn't look terribly impressed. "What've ya got? Gonna tie me to railroad tracks next? Sheesh."

"No, as a matter of fact I was going to have you drawn, quartered, and leave your head on a pike outside the castle tower I wanted West to-what?"

"Cliche," Piper said. James nodded his agreement.

"IT'S NOT CLICHE IF IT'S HORRIFYING!"

"Dude, Vlad the Impaler made heads on pikes cliche centuries ago. God, leave your house sometime!"

Then Wally finally managed to find where the supervillain was keeping his two friends hostage. The battle didn't last that long, and as soon as Brother Grimm was KOed James' legs gave out.

"Oh my God I thought I was gonna wind up with a pike for a neck. _WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU_!" He screamed.

"Yeah, you're welcome," Wally snapped.

"Really Wally, we had a very hard time stalling him this time." Piper squeezed James' shoulder comfortingly. "Luckily, Grimm sucks at super villain banter."


	33. 33 The Name is Jesse, James Jesse

**The Name is Jesse. James Jesse.**

As Billy Hong got older and developed more control over his conveniently vague spiritual-based super powers, he started developing ties to the wider community of costumed super powered beings (much like his deceased father, he preferred switching between sides rather than setting down roots in one or the other). And he was plagued by a sense of cosmic injustice at what he saw.

The supposed "heroes" (though the lines were becoming far more blurry than the heroes wanted to admit) were developing an unfair monopoly on resurrections. It's not that he begrudged Irey and Jai the happy family unit they had, but he started to wonder why it was that he, Josh Jackam, and Owen Mercer had been denied the experience (especially poor Owen, who'd wanted a bond with his father so bad). Then a thought struck him. 'Maybe I'm the one who's supposed to correct it.' He had the power to humble a demon king. Righting cosmic injustices didn't seem outside the realm of possibility...

_AFTER SEVERAL YEARS OF TRIAL AND ERROR..._

"Look, Dad, it's just for a few hours. Relax, you can handle him. Josh is talking and everything now. It's not that hard to babysit a two year old."

"Don't you lie to me! Why do I have to do it anyway? You're the one who resurrected the brat," James pouted.

"I resurrected you too you know," Billy reminded him. "And let you move into my apartment, and helped you resolve all the messes you made in the caped community with that Rogue War-"

"I know, I know. I made you though."

"Uh huh. And the resurrection kinda balances that out." Billy grinned. He handed James a little notebook.

"What's this?"

"Instructions Mr. Mardon's probably going to forget to give you. He's still struggling with the 'keeping the baby alive' thing too. Important phone numbers, things you can and cannot give Josh, and his favorite TV shows."

"Kay." James flipped through the notebook, mumbling under his breath. "The hell we're watching Barney when I've got a full collection of Looney Tunes." Then the doorbell rang.

"Bye Dad."

* * *

"James Jesse. Come on kid, it's not hard, you can say it. James Jesse."

Josh giggled. "Squishy!"

"No! If you start calling me that I'm never gonna be able to go to a poker game again. Come on Josh, pay attention. James Jesse."

"Squish Squishy?"

"Argh. Alright, we'll try the harder one. Giovanni. Come on Josh, Gio-vanni."


	34. 34 Vacation

**Vacation**

"I thought you said we were going on vacation."

"We're traveling."

"That doesn't make it a vacation."

"Well then what makes a trip a vacation?" Piper asked. James went silent, working on the strength of his glare. "Come on Tricks, it'll be fun."

"Explain to me exactly how being dragged to a war torn third world country to give vaccinations and food to starving natives-"

"You forgot laptops."

"We're bringing them laptops?"

Piper nodded. "I made a hefty donation to OLPC. Uh, One Laptop Per Child. And we get to distribute them ourselves. That really doesn't sound like fun to you?"

James went back to glaring. "Is there a waterpark involved?"

"No."

"A fancy hotel room?"

"N-no, of course n-"

"Little shops? Tourist traps? Nice restaurants?"

"James-"

"Baby, I'll indulge your little fetish for charity willingly if you promise me one thing."

"O-okay. What is it?"

"Let me pick the next vacation."


	35. 35 Weather Weasel

**Weather Weasel**

"Sam, Boomer, you guys go spring Dillon. Piper, bring the loot to our fence. Jesse, keep Mark from dying. I'm gonna go see a contact."

"Any particular fence Len?" Piper asked.

"Whatever tickles your fancy."

"Hey, hey wait! Can't I do the prison break?" James whined. The other Rogues ignored him as they filed out for their assigned tasks. "Guys? Someone! What am I supposed to do for Mark?"

"Told ya. Make sure he doesn't die. If I get back and he croaks it's your job to find a replacement," Len snapped before he slammed the door to their hideout shut.

James sat down on the couch next to Mark, who was delusional from fever. While he'd been fighting with Flash there had been an unfortunate bit of speedster lightning meeting wand lightning, and Mark had disappeared for a few minutes. No one had been able to get out of him where he'd teleported, but it had done a number on him.

James glanced at Mark, who was drooling slightly gazing at something only he could see, then put his chin in his hands and thought.

Twenty minutes later James was set up on the couch with his PS, a game of Crash Bandicoot and enough sugary snacks to send a diabetic into a coma with a glance. And Mark had the most interesting fever dreams about becoming an anthropormophic weasel doing battle with a scarlet clad Crash...


	36. 36 Accent

**Accent**

James had been friends with Piper for years, but it was more of a working friendship than anything else. The "keep this one as a contact" type of friend, or the "you don't wanna piss off a guy who can make you do _that _without remembering it" sort. Consequently, he didn't always give Piper his full attention, unless he was using his theatrical villain voice, because only an idiot wouldn't pay attention to a jolly hypnotist using a theatrical villain voice.

But that changed while they were on the run together. Being shackled to Piper made it unfortunately necessary to give him full attention, and James noticed something he'd never noticed before.

"...do you have an accent?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're from Missouri. Where the hell'd that accent come from?"

Piper took off his yellow glasses (wait, weren't those green before?) and wiped them on his mangled half-cape. "You've known me for about a decade now James. I don't have an accent."

"Well you don't sound like you're from Missouri though. I can't place it. Wait, keep talking."

"You really are that bored, aren't you?"

"Yep. Now come on. Yell at me again about how Penguin's going to get us killed. I'm gonna place it, I swear." He should be a better conman than this. Shackled to someone, and not being able to spot the origin of their accent.

Piper rolled his eyes. "I think you're just delusional from sleep deprivation or nerves. I've lived in Central almost my whole life, until I moved to Keystone. I don't have an accent."

"Yeah you totally do and I'm going to figure it...it's a mix. You sound a little British."

Piper snorted. "Well that's news to me. Oh. Oh wait, I used to get teased for that when I was little. Our maid was from England and she did my speech therapy exercises with me. I guess I did pick up a little of her accent."

"So called it!" James smiled, pleased with himself. "God this is boring."

"Tell me about it. I'm almost eager for Penguin to hurry up and betray us."

"He's not necessarily going to-you know, people do things for the favors they get too."

"Uh huh. Excuse me for not trusting one of the Gotham Rogues." Piper tapped his fingers impatiently against the basement floor.

"Why don't you keep talking? Bet I can figure out what part of England your maid was from." Wow. James was really that bored.

But so was Piper. He decided to poke the hornet's nest. "So what, does the accent turn you on or something?"


	37. 37 Bread for the Journey A

**Bread for the Journey A**

"I am getting so sick of this guy," Jai grumbled under his breath. "I mean really, he hasn't been able to beat Dad the past, like, ga-zillion times he's tried. Why's he think it's gonna be different?"

"Just keep scattering the breadcrumbs so we can find the stupid witch and get outta here sooner." Irey angrily threw a handful of crumbled bread behind her on the path. "You're right though. Brother Grimm is just lame. He needs to give up."

"Or at least change fairy tale cultures so he can mix it up. We've been Hansel and Gretel like five times this year," Jai agreed. "He should try something with genies next time."

"Genies would be fun," Irey agreed. "Do you think we'll get home in time to do our homework? If we walk slowly, maybe we can skip school."

"Hm." Jai slowed his pace, as did his sister. "I s'pose it depends on who else Brother Grimm brought to the fairy tale realm. I mean, he didn't transform Keystone this time."

"Yeah. If he only brought Daddy we could be here really late...maybe we could miss two days of school?"

"Don't get my hopes up. We're having a grammar rodeo in the advanced class."

"Ew. That doesn't sound even a little fun."

"That's cuz it's not." Jai threw another piece of bread on the ground. "Do you think Mom's okay?"

"Brother Grimm wants to marry Mommy, not hurt her. She's fine," Irey said dismissively. "Hey, I think I hear something."

"Irey wait-" But Jai was at least twenty seconds too slow to grab his sister's arm. She raced away from him, looped around, and came back with a smile on her face.

"C'mon slow poke!" She grabbed Jai's arm and tugged him over to a clearing where Piper was playing a flute for some dancing rats. He stopped when he saw them.

"Hi Uncle Piper," Jai beamed. "What are you doing here?"

"Same thing as you kids no doubt. Grimm tried to hypnotize me into re-enacting my fairy tale, but he hasn't pulled me under since he got lucky that first time. I really wish he'd stop trying."

"Yeah. We're on our way to the witch's gingerbread house for like the ba-zillionth time," Jai explained. "Are you gonna come with us?"

"Sure," Piper stood up and stretched. "I'll help you guys deal with the witch and then we can wait there for your dad to find us. Be careful though. My gimmick's based on a man who kidnapped the children. If Grimm does manage to put me under-"

"Run away and wait for Daddy. We know, we know." Irey reached over and took his hand. "It's okay Piper, we know you didn't really mean it when you tried to drown us time before last."

"Okay then. Ready to fight the witch?"


	38. 38 Bread for the Journey B

**Alternate Bread for the Journey**

_So...I had a different idea for the ending of this ficlet (you can kinda see me hovering by it in a few sentences) but I wasn't in the mood to go that dark when I first wrote it, so I didn't. I thought about it, and I'm letting out the sadistic!writer. Here's an alternate ending:_

"I am getting so sick of this guy," Jai grumbled under his breath. "I mean really, he hasn't been able to beat Dad the past, like, ga-zillion times he's tried. Why's he think it's gonna be different?"

"Just keep scattering the breadcrumbs so we can find the stupid witch and get outta here sooner." Irey angrily threw a handful of crumbled bread behind her on the path. "You're right though. Brother Grimm is just lame. He needs to give up."

"Or at least change fairy tale cultures so he can mix it up. We've been Hansel and Gretel like five times this year," Jai agreed. "He should try something with genies next time."

"Genies would be fun," Irey agreed. "Do you think we'll get home in time to do our homework? If we walk slowly, maybe we can skip school."

"Hm." Jai slowed his pace, as did his sister. "I s'pose it depends on who else Brother Grimm brought to the fairy tale realm. I mean he didn't transform Keystone this time."

"Yeah. If he only brought Daddy we could be here really late...maybe we could miss two days of school?"

"Don't get my hopes up. We're having a grammar rodeo in the advanced class."

"Ew. That doesn't sound even a little fun."

"That's cuz it's not." Jai threw another piece of bread on the ground. "Do you think Mom's okay?"

"Brother Grimm wants to marry Mommy, not hurt her. She's fine," Irey said dismissively. "Hey, I think I hear something."

"Irey wait-" But Jai was at least twenty seconds too slow to grab his sister's arm. She raced away from him, looped around, and came back with a smile on her face.

"C'mon slow poke!" She grabbed Jai's arm and tugged him over to a clearing where Piper was playing a flute for some dancing rats. He stopped when he saw them.

"Hi Uncle Piper," Jai beamed. "What are you doing here?"

"Same thing as you kids no doubt. Grimm tried to hypnotize me into re-enacting my fairy tale, but he hasn't pulled me under since he got lucky that first time. I really wish he'd stop trying."

"Yeah. We're on our way to the witch's gingerbread house for like the ba-zillionth time," Jai explained. "Are you gonna come with us?"

"Sure," Piper stood up and stretched. He whistled at the rats, and they all scattered. "Do you know how far away we are from the gingerbread house?"

Irey peered into the distance. "Not that far. I can see the smoke from her chimney."

"Alright. Do you mind if I play some travelling music?" Piper asked.

"Go nuts." Jai followed after Piper, relieved to have found an adult he and his sister trusted. True, Brother Grimm was more of a persistant annoyance than a real threat to them, but it was still comforting to have Piper around in case Grimm tried a new trick on them.

What neither of the twins realized was how elaborate Grimm's latest plan had been, which incidentally included intentionally failed plots for the West family to lull them into a false sense of security. And Grimm knew the twins would never suspect their favorite babysitter.

Which is why, at the insistent tug of the brainwashed Piper's 'travelling music', the kids walked right into the witch's oven without a second thought.


	39. 39 Burning the Midnight Oil

**Burning the Midnight Oil**

Setting: Pavement Cracks Universe

James flung out an arm in the middle of the night and felt a cold mattress. He felt around for a few minutes, until he got bit by JJ. "Whaddre you doin' out of th'cage?" He asked sleepily. The rat curled back up on Piper's side of the bed and went to sleep.

Sighing, James got up, pulled on some clothes, made a pretense of checking the apartment for Piper, and then got his car keys.

* * *

"Still too big! Blast, I'll never hide this convincingly, even in Pinchot's horrible nest of hair." Piper flung the mini-pipe onto the ground, wiped at his eyes, and then picked up his notebook to try again.

"Knock knock," James called.

"What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing." James set a tray of coffees on Piper's work desk and upended a bag of snacks over his schematics. "Your super villain base is a weird place to be at three in the morning."

"Inspiration struck. Thought I could finish the pipe tonight."

"Uh huh. You know what might help you finish your work?"

"If you're going to say sleep-"

"Of course I'm going to say sleep. I mean, burning the midnight oil is one thing, but this is starting to get unhealthy."

"I disagree," Piper deadpanned. "I think it got unhealthy when we put on tights and came up with new names for ourselves."

"Fine. This is unhealthier."

"...thanks for the coffee. Sorry I worried you. I'll leave a note next time."

James sighed, accepting that that was probably the best he was going to get. "Thanks babe. So you're gonna take a snack break with me, right?"

"Might as well. I've got a TV in this hideout. Want to watch some cartoons?"

"Sure."


	40. 40 Cooking Class

**Cooking Class**

"Kay. Piper, hon, I know that you've subsisted mostly off of hotpockets since you broke with your folks and decided to live the life of a stereotypical shut-in hacker windbag leftist, but baby, you did eat real food up until then, didn't you?"

Piper glared. "It can still be considered 'real' if it comes out of the freezer or a can."

"Uh huh." James tapped his fingers impatiently against the counter. "I'm bringing you to my place tonight for a cooking class. And leave the rats at home. Lesson one, if it tracks urine it doesn't belong in the kitchen. That's right Mickey, I'm looking at you."

The little brown rat sitting in the open can of Spaghettios in the sink looked back at James in confusion.

"Her name's Petunia."

"Way beside the point Piper."


	41. 41 Entitled Pets

**Entitled Pets**

"So you really hear them talk?" James asked curiously, wondering at what kind of meta-cocktail had spawned Piper into being.

"Talk is a little strong for what I hear," Piper said, considering. "But I do hear noises you don't, and I get the gist of what they're trying to communicate." He picked up a small white rat and held her out to James. "You'd probably get along with Gloria. She's got a sense of humor, and she's always nagging me to, um..."

"Not kill yourself through negligence or stupidity?" James finished.

"Yes, that'd be the stuff."

"Okay." James took Gloria from Piper and started petting her. "If I start singing that crappy pop song will that go over well or poorly?"

Piper snickered. "She's heard it. I told you, she's quite snarky."

"Okay, and who's this one?" James asked, pointing to a tan one.

"That's Leon. He's nervous, so be careful with him."

"Kay."

* * *

By the end of his first week living with Piper, James was starting to get the hang of the different rats that frequented the place. Even though he didn't have freaky robot hearing, James was a particularly observant guy, meaning he did manage to pick up some of their more obvious mannerisms and what they meant.

And even though Piper insisted he never heard actual words when the rats "spoke" to him, James was starting to be convinced otherwise. Then again, he'd started filling in what the rats were saying in his head too, so maybe Piper was just doing that.

"Look, he's not...no Gloria, he's just a guest...yes, a _guest_. He's trying to get back on his feet and I'm helping him because we're friends."

James peeked into the doorway to Piper's bedroom, where he was putting away laundry and having a discussion with his pets.

"Something wrong?"

"Oh. The rats are just a little confused about your place here. That's all." Piper was blushing.

James raised an eyebrow and went into the living room to watch some cartoons.

* * *

That night he was awoken by a needy whine. "Mommy...Mommy...Mommy wake up..."

"Huh?" James groaned, lifting his head from the air mattress and looking into the beady black eyes of a white rat.

"Mommy wake up."

"Am I that tired? Are you talk-talking?" He asked.

The rat narrowed its eyes, then went back to whining. "MOMMYFEEDME, wake up!"

"...hm? It's 2:30 in the morning...stupid pet. And stupid damn delusions. Piper even said you don't talk, so you don't. G'way."

"James?" Piper called from his bedroom. James pulled his pillow over his head.

"Yeah?"

"Are you...talking to the rats?"

"Mebbe. It's 2:30 in the morning. I think that might be why."

"James, they _can _speak. I just-you can really hear it?"

"Uh huh. Zoe's hungry."

Piper went into the kitchen and came back with a bowl of food.

"Why are they calling me Mommy? Seriously, there's like ten of them doing it now."

"Oh, um, well the younger ones are a little...confused...about why you're here." Piper sat down across from James. "You can really hear them without the implants?"

"Yeah. Maybe I'm getting super powers or something. So the babies think I'm the Mommy?" Realization hit.

"And I'm the Daddy," Piper said with a nervous laugh, noticing James' expression.

"Dude. Still not gay. Whatever the god damn plague bags think."


	42. 42 Eraser

**Eraser**

"Are you eating an eraser?"

"Yes Dad, I'm eating an eraser," Billy deadpanned.

James watched Billy slip another tiny white rectangle out of the foil package, pop it into his mouth and chew on it while he idly flipped through a book of discourses from the Pali Canon (whatever that meant).

"Um...how's the book?" James asked. He really was trying. This time anyway. Back when he'd first learned he had a son, he'd done a couple of visits but then gotten bogged down in the FBI project, then he'd been on the run, and then he'd died. Billy had pretty much grown up without him. Once he'd gotten res'd he'd decided to try harder with the kid, but unfortunately Billy was now in his moody teen years.

Plus they didn't really have that much in common.

It was like pulling teeth for both of them, these meetings. But they felt like they had to do them.

Billy sighed, put a place marker in his book, set it on the table, and folded his hands. "I'm reading about early Buddhism Dad. I don't think you'd like it. It's very dry non-fiction."

"Oh. Well that's nice. So you must do good in school, huh?"

"I'm home schooled."

"Oh." James fiddled with his thumbs. "I was home schooled too. Kinda. Traveling circus thing."

"Uh huh." Billy glanced longingly at his book.

"Um...so how are things? Your mom said you were thinking of joining the Teen Titans. How's that going?"

"I joined. It's fine. Look, um, I get that you're trying, and really that does mean a lot to me, but we don't have to keep doing this."

"The hell we don't!" James scowled. "You think I like the fact that we have absolutely nothing in common and that for all intents and purposes we might as well be strangers? You think I wanted it this way? The hell I did. I always told myself that if I ever had kids, I'd never pull any of the shit with them my family did with me. So now that I've been given a second shot I'm going to make ammends and fix this. I'm alive, I'm here, and I want to care about at least some of the stuff you do. So c'mon Bill, let me in at least a little."

Billy chewed his lip. "You really don't...look, it's just been me and Mom my whole life and I promise, I'm cool with that-"

"But I'm not," James insisted. He sighed. "I know I can't force it though. Billy...if you ever do feel like you need my help-for anything, not just a quick save from a militaristic cult, you can come to me, okay? It was never my choice to be gone."

Billy nodded. He gazed down at his folded hands, thinking things over. James stood to leave.

"Wait, Dad...don't go. We can try again."

James tapped his fingers against the kitchen chair. "Only if you want to Billy."

"I want to. Really. Um, I don't remember what the candies are called, but they're gummies that Mom always brings me back from Chinatown. And the book's really interesting. I'm getting a much clearer understanding of the four noble truths and the eightfold path than I had before."

"Can I try one of the candies?"

"Sure." Billy handed him one.

"Huh...I think this thing actually does have the texture of an eraser."

Billy smiled. "Me too. I forgot the name because I always call them erasers."

"Cool. So things are going well with you and the Titans? None of the little cape-brats are hassling you, right?"

"Batman's kid is kind of a jerk, but I expected that. He seems to be a jerk to everyone equally, at least. I'd still really love to show him up. He thinks because his grandfather is Ra's al Ghul that he's automatically an expert on magic. I'm the team's magic user."

"One upping capes huh? Now you're speaking my language," James said with a smirk.


	43. 43 ErmAwkward Prompt

**Erm...Awkward Prompt.**

"And you call yourself a thief. Will you let me pick it?"

"I haven't called myself a thief in years!" Piper grumbled. But he did scoot aside so James could pick the lock to the darkened convenience store.

"There." James pried the automatic doors open, walked over to the cash register, and handed Piper some plastic shopping bags. They went to work filling up the bags with food. As an afterthough, Piper threw in some pain killers and basic first aid supplies.

"Huh. We should hit up the hygeine products too. You're starting to smell."

"Yeah, because your sweat smells like candy," Piper snapped, but he certainly didn't object to grabbing a stick of deoderant.

Then James' eyes lingered on a shelf. Piper quirked an eyebrow.

"Adult diapers?"

"Don't tell me they wouldn't come in handy. We haven't always been able to find places with stalls so far," James pointed out.

Piper chewed his lip. After about a minute of pondering he grabbed a couple packages. "Swear on your life you'll never tell anyone about this."

"Why the hell would I want to?"


	44. 44 First Date

**First Date**

The eighth grade graduation at South Key Middle School was going to culminate in a semiformal dance, and it was clear by winter break that this dance was going to be a very big deal for the West twins. Irey buzzed around the house, fretting over whether she was going to get asked out, or if she should ask someone out, or if that was presumptuous of her, while Jai got progressively more sullen and secretive about it.

But by the time springtime rolled around, both twins had managed to find dates and were being flooded with unsolicited advice on how to make the most of their first date.

Wally's advice for his daughter was pretty good; mostly it was practical information on how to keep superspeed related nervous tics from destroying her secret idenity. His advice to Jai was less than enlightening, however. "Hold open doors, always pretend to be interested in what she says, make sure you give her lots of compliments, suck up to her parents so you can take her out again, and get her one of those flower wrist thingies-"

"A corsage?"

"Yeah, one of those. Girls like flowers."

Then Linda pulled Jai aside to round out the oversimplified and somewhat flawed advice. "The corsage advice wasn't bad, but it means you have to find out what color her dress is going to be before the dance. Can you do that for me sweetie?"

"Uh...sure. I guess."

Lian's dad sat the three of them down for a presentation (complete with visual aids) that was a combination between a scared straight program and a health class. The theme was mostly STDs, but there was a brief detour about not letting peer pressure lead to substance abuse. Lian kept mouthing apologies to them.

Then great uncle Barry had given them advice even more outdated than their dad's, and auntie Iris had followed it up with where they could get good background checks if they wanted to look into their potential dates before they commited themselves. Bart suggested movies they should watch no matter how many times they insisted they were going to a dance, and Nightwing gave them tips on how to avoid Justice League surveillance for their goodnight kiss.

The most helpful advice came from Piper though (it usually did). Unlike everyone else they talked to, he patiently listened to Irey's fears before giving her gentle suggestions on how to improve her confidence. Then it was Jai's turn.

"So...actually, I'm taking a boy to the dance, and um, I don't think I'm having any problems with Chris. It's Dad and uncle Barry and everyone that I'm worried about..."

"Ah. I think I'm gonna put on a pot of tea before I tackle this one."

"Thanks Uncle Piper." Irey beamed. She patted Jai's hand. "See? Told ya we shoulda started with Piper."


	45. 45 Fridge

**Fridge**

While Wally was off planet with some big Justice League thing, the duty of house watching fell to Piper. He let himself in with a spare key, prepared to water plants or possibly take care of some kind of pet, but thoroughly unprepared to find an apartment in a worse state of disarray than his own.

Piper shook his head. "Kay. I'm a privileged rich kid who never had to do an honest day's work in my life. What the hell's your excuse Wally?" He asked himself. The floor was covered by a multi-layered spread of filth, all furniture covered with relatively clean clutter (the skeleton of a low-ground/high ground system in play), there was a tiny fort of pizza boxes behind the TV, and there was laundry drying from every light fixture in the apartment.

Piper found the plants, watered them, and then tried to figure out if the rats in the pizza box fort were pets or vermin. He decided to take them home with him and see if Wally missed them.

Then he made his way into the kitchen and made quite the discovery.

_A FEW HOURS LATER_

"So does Flash know you're bringing his super villain buddies to his place while he's in outer space?" James asked while Piper searched his pockets for Wally's spare key.

"Go rob a bank and then we'll worry about it. Here, you have to see this for yourself."

"Holy crap!" James exclaimed, getting his first look at the living room. "This is unbelievable! He's got super speed! Wouldn't it take him like five seconds to clean up?"

"I told you James, lifestyle differences. Some people don't mind having things a little messy."

"There are rats in those pizza boxes. That's more than 'a little messy'."

"Oh, more rats? Damn. Should have brought treats with me."

James rolled his eyes. "That's its own problem right there, but I'm still not convinced Wally's messier than you. I mean the laundry on the light fixtures is interesting, but it testifies to the fact that he actually does laundry."

"Alright fine, the real show's in the kitchen."

Piper and James waded through the living room clutter to the kitchen, where Piper opened the fridge door with a flourish.

"Alright you win."

"Of course I win," Piper grinned.

"...What IS that growing in the fridge?"

"Dunno. I think it used to be Chinese food though."


	46. 46 Gaydar

**Gaydar**

Piper glared around the poker table. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope. Dead serious." Len started dealing out the cards.

"But-but you're super villains! Look what you're wearing!"

"Flame retardent suit?" Mick pulled at the fabric of his costume. "Sorry kid."

"You're all straight?" He huffily crossed his arms over his chest while the other Rogues repeated their answers.

"Sorry dude. You're totally not getting a date here," James said with a laugh.

"A room full of grown men in flamboyant costumes and not a single one to flirt with," Piper grumbled. "Fuck gaydar."


	47. 47 Goodbye to the Circus

**Goodbye to the Circus**

In general the Central City Rogues tried not to socialize outside of their turf. Sure, sometimes they were tempted out to the stray team up, but for the most part they weren't well respected or understood apart from their own private circle.

Plus networking with costumed criminals was just its own brand of headache anyway.

So when Piper was going through James' things after his death and found the unlabeled video of James and Harley Quinn, in full costume, singing karaoke at a boardwalk he was a little surprised.

The song suited them though.

Piper fumbled around for a pen, and made a note to himself to get in touch with Harley and see if she'd want to come to James' memorial service.


	48. 48 Grocery Shopping

**Grocery shopping**

Piper locked eyes with Trickster from across the aisle at the grocery store, and before he could figure out if it was 'okay' for super villains to greet each other outside of a heist, the energetic young criminal was waving animatedly, almost hitting him with his shopping cart because of it.

"Hey Piper! How goes it?"

"Hi Tri, uh..."

"James." Trickster smiled. "Kick ass job you pulled the other day. I caught it on the news, and man, making Flash and Elongated Man into your henches, that was just...I do not have words for how awesome that was."

"Thanks. Little surreal to talk about it here though."

"Oh yeah, yeah I guess. So, um...whatcha up to?"

Piper glanced into James' shopping cart, taking in the massive box of pudding cups, bags of chips, jiffy pop, and case upon case of soda. "Nothing nearly as fun as you, from the looks of it. Just chores."

"Ah huh." James spared a glance into Piper's cart, noticing that he too was mostly buying in bulk, but that his items were generic non-perishables. "You making a bomb shelter or something? Dude, if you're planning something that destructive, you're totally networking with the wrong crooks. You want Metropolis for that."

Piper laughed. "I'm not planning on blowing up the city. This is for the Food Pantry downtown."

"Oh." James frowned, puzzled. "Well...you're still networking with the wrong crooks. But I'll hang with you anyway, if you want."


	49. I was On Time! Until I was Late

**I was on time! Until I was late.**

"Iris, please! I swear, I was on time!"

"Oh? Because I was sitting alone in that restaurant for two hours Barry, two! At first the waiting staff was sympathetic. And then they started whispering about desperate women and their imaginary boyfriends! It was humiliating!"

"I swear, I really was on time...until I was late. I just...lost track of time," He said lamely. Iris was glaring daggers at him.

In actuality, Iris had ordered her meal and left quickly once she'd gotten a phone call from her editor telling her that the Flash was doing battle with the Pied Piper and the Trickster at a conservative talk radio convention (of all things). She'd gone home to relax, figuring she'd be conducting a 'surprise' exclusive interview with the Flash about the heist after finally being met by her obtuse fiance, who honestly seemed to think she wasn't smart enough to figure out who he really was.

Maybe it was wishful thinking? He had gotten a little more cautious with her since Captain Cold had kidnapped her for a marriage proposal.

'Why won't he just admit it?' That frustration fueled her acting, and she really did throw him out of the apartment, and Barry all the while babbled apologies without admitting what he'd really been doing.

Meanwhile across town, Piper and Trickster were exiting Iron Heights through the maintenance tunnels, loot confiscated, but chatting animatedly about messing with the right wingers and Flash in one evening.

"Didja notice the way he kept looking at that big clock?" James asked.

"Yep. What do you think he was running late for?"

"Dunno. But I hope we ruined his night."


	50. 50 Illusionist

**Illusionist**

"Oh wow...this is..." Piper looked at the tickets, trying to guess how much money Michael might have paid for them. "Great."

Michael frowned. "What's wrong? You don't like illusionists, do you? Is it a corny date idea? I just figured it would be something different. You know, movies and dinner and whatnot are so run of the mill...it even sounds better?"

Piper sighed, and thought about how to play this. "I've just heard such bad things about-"

"Zatanna? She was the most highly reviewed illusionist I looked into. She's very well regarded, I promise."

"Oh..." Damn. And now if he cancelled last minute on the date, not only would Michael be out whatever ridiculous sum of money he'd spent, but it would also look really suspicious.

This was date number six, and it was getting quite fancy. Maybe it was time to admit to some of his demons...(but only some).

"Look, Michael, the truth is...I'd love to go and see Zatanna with you, it's just...she's actually a member of the Justice League-"

"And where you're an ex-super villain you find the prospect of being a faceless member of her audience uncomfortable?" Michael finished. Piper gaped at him. "Sweetie, I know I'm not from the area, but please don't think I'm incapable of connecting dots. I know you're _that _Piper."

"Wait, what do you mean ex-super villain?"

Now Michael looked confused. "Are you still robbing banks?"

"Well, it's been awhile but-"

"I was under the impression you'd reformed. I mean you're paroled and you're doing all that volunteer work."

"Yes, but-"

"And I had a friend of mine at the police station check, it's been over a year since you were arrested for anything."

"Oh. Huh. I guess I am reformed then. Yeah, let's go see Zatanna."

Michael smiled. "I'll pick you up at seven."


	51. 51 Like Fun You Will

**Like Fun You Will**

"The twins are cursing like truck drivers and Linda thinks it's my fault."

"Uh huh."

"Piper, it's not my fault! I don't swear around my kids."

"Intentionally."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Wally asked defensively.

"You don't swear when you're aware they can hear you," Piper explained. "But Irey zips from place to place at superspeed when she's away from the public eye, and Jai's a quiet little brooder. I'll bet you anything they hear things you're not away of."

"So what do I do?"

"Retrain yourself. If you don't swear in general, you won't swear around the kids. Either that or take the hypocritical 'do as I say and not as I do' route and see how far that gets you."

Wally sighed. "And how do I go about the retraining?"

Piper got out a pad of paper and a pen. "What swears do you use the most? We'll just find equivalents that you wouldn't mind hearing your seven year old children use."

"I'm gonna sound like an idiot, aren't I?"

"Possibly, but you're doing this for Irey and Jai, right?"

Wally muttered something darkly.

* * *

The next time he was fighting the Rogues, when cornered Axel took a T-bomb and threatened to blow up a nearby minivan. And the Flash yelled, "Like _fun _you will!"

Sure, it was easier to take the Rogues in while they were cracking up, but after that everyone kinda knew the younger Keystone Flash was a daddy, and they knew just the right buttons to push to tick him off.


	52. 52 Messenger Rat

**Messenger Rat**

"Happy birthday to me..." James sang under his breath. He collapsed back against his prison bunk with a long suffering sigh.

"Worst birthday ever," He decided.

The Rogues knew where he was, and they knew what day it was too. He'd invited them all to his kick-ass twenty first birthday party, after all. Start with the arcade, then dinner at the Cupcake Headquarters (best name for a bakery ever!) followed by lazer tag and a light heist, ending with drinks at the hideout to wrap the night, all planned months in advance.

And if the breaking news reports were any indication, the Rogues were following his planned party to the letter, just without the birthday boy. Really, a break out would only have taken like a half hour off of arcade or lazer tag time, tops.

Then the messenger rat snuck in through the bars in his window. It was a little white one wearing a yellow and blue striped birthday hat and a pouch around its neck. James reached inside and pulled out a gimmicked yo-yo with a tag tied to it. "Happy birthday Tricks. I'll still meet you for drinks, if you'd like." It was signed with a quarter note.

"Thanks little buddy. Tell your friend I'll be out in a jiff." James patted the rat's head and watched it scamper away.


	53. 53 Mothers

**Mothers**

The first time Linda asked Piper if Jai pinged his gaydar, the boy was only in the second grade. Piper had quirked an eyebrow, and assured her that no matter how into showtunes and chick flicks he may have been, she had a few more years before she should start worrying about PFLAG meetings.

It continued all throughout the twins' childhood and adolescence. Linda would go to Piper with little observations about quirks and traits of Jai's that could mean he was gay. She asked Piper how he'd have preferred a birds and bees conversation to go when he was Jai's age.

"Is it okay to ask him if he likes boys yet? Should I wait?"

"I just want to make sure he knows it's okay, and that me and Wally will love him no matter what he chooses."

"We have special days where we marathon Gilmore Girls while Irey and Wally are out fighting crime. Wally thinks I'm trying to turn him."

Piper's favorite comment though, came when Jai was starting to exhibit some heterosexual attitudes during puberty.

Linda sighed, glancing morosely at her latte. "I think my son is straight."

"Oh?" Piper smirked, noting the disappointment she was exuding. "I think my mother would have been overjoyed to trade places with you."

"Well yeah, I know. It's just..." She sighed. "I really wanted Jai for holidays."

Piper looked at her blankly.

"You know how it is. The girlfriend always drags the boyfriend to _her _family's house. Now I'm going to resent the bitch of a daughter in law that's going to steal my son for every Thanksgiving and Christmas. It would have been so much easier if he were gay."

Piper gaped at her another second, then reached across the table and squeezed her hand, since clearly comfort was necessary. "It's okay Linda. There's still plenty of puberty left. He might even be bisexual."

"You think so?"

"Well you never know."


	54. 54 Myrmidon

**Myrmidon**

Setting: Teen Titans AU (of the possible-future kind)

"Well what's wrong with it?" Josh Jackam cut his wind and landed back on the ground, the lightning flashes leaving his eyes.

"It's hard to say, for one," Jai said. "I mean, my hero-name's Tech. That's easy. And people can tell right from hearing it what I do. No one knows what a Mermiman is."

"Myrmidon. I tell you, it fits me at this stage in my super villain career."

"Unintelligible?" Jai pressed.

The lightning came back to Josh's eyes. "I'm plenty intelligible, you're just an uncultured slob!"

"Yeah, and I'm better read than a good chunk of the caped community, let alone the villains you'll be trying to network with."

"Hm. You know, I'm starting to see your point." Josh sat down across from his hostage. "Do you have any suggestions then? I need something memorable, something that pops."

Jai fixed a strained smile on his face and hoped his friends hurried up and figured out where he'd been taken hostage. "Um...Weather Mage? It follows kinda naturally from Weather Wizard."

"I don't want to be that connected to my father. He didn't make much of a name for himself with the Rogues."

True enough. But this from the kid that was gonna go with Myrmidon. He wanted to suggest Obtuse, but luckily enough Jai's friends and family finally showed up to rescue him. His father and sister had a brief battle with Jackam while Piper cut him free and snuck him from the hideout.

"How're you holding out Little Maestro?" Piper asked.

Jai smiled at him. "It wasn't so bad. Thanks for teaching me how to misdirect super villains."


	55. 55 Noisy Neighbors

**Noisy Neighbors**

Setting: Pavement Cracks Universe

James rolled over, pulled his pillow over his head, and let out a tiny scream. He had to be up at six for the drive into Central to make his flight into Metropolis for possibly the most exciting, prestigious architectural design gig of his career, and he couldn't sleep because his neighbors were still screwing like hyperactive adolescent bunnies.

He wanted to go over and say something, but Piper and other-James (sometimes he mentally referred to him as brain-damaged-James, or James-the-idiot when he was feeling bitter) were pretty much the only people in the building he liked. During the day time he got along well with them...well, with Piper anyway. And marching over there while he was sleepy and cranky (and they were clearly in the middle of something) would guruantee an end to any feelings of neighborliness.

Finally the squeaky mattress, headboard banging and various vocal exclamations (damn but dumb-blond-James was loud...and had some eerily childish bedroom talk) subsided. James let out a relieved sigh, rolled over, and prepared to drift off.

Then the Tetris music started.

"They moved the TV back into the bedroom," He informed his empty room. It was sad that he could track the location of the TV in the other apartment. He made a mental note to never ever let thin walls between bedrooms slide in future apartment building designs.

An involuntary sob escaped him. "I need to sleep! I'm gonna blow the best job of my career because I'm going to be a zombie!"

Then the Tetris music abruptly stopped. James sat up in bed, listening closely. There was some squeaking from the floorboards as his two neighbors walked around the room, then silence. A few minutes later other-James' car pulled out of the parking lot.

* * *

"I'm just saying, he designed the place and decided to move in. If he cheaped out on the walls, that was his own fault."

"James, if you had super hearing and heard the little whine he made when we turned the TV on-"

"I know, I know."

"And it is almost four in the morning."

"We have a late schedule because of our working ours."

"We're super villains. We set our own hours."

"Uh huh. And I'm pretty sure we're the only super villains alive who'd pack up their shit and drive across town to play video games just because their neighbor's a light sleeper."


	56. 56 Punishment

**Punishment**

Setting: Pavement Cracks Universe

James discovered pretty early into his relationship with Piper that his sweetie loved his sleep, and absolutely refused to even attempt functioning when it was interrupted. James, on the other hand, slept lightly and infrequently, always ready to pop out of bed fully alert at the slightest stimuli (he blamed it on his childhood with the circus- the elephant trainer was about as sober and reliable as Papa Jesse).

Still though, Piper's requests for a quiet eight-ish hours of sleep was a sensible one, and at first James was respectful. Then he started getting bored. And then he started messing with Piper.

As was his wont, he started with the classics, like shining a pair of flashlights at Piper and screaming "_TRUCK_!" or tickling his nose with a feather and getting him to slap himself in the face after coating his hands with different substances. He was threatened with castration if he tried the bowl of wet water trick.

"But baby, that'd punish both of us."

And for his lack of sympathy he'd been banished to his apartment for a week (the sentence only lasted through the weekend before Piper relented). James cooled off on experimenting with Piper's sleep habits for a while after that (he'd convinced himself it was somehow necessary research rather than merely being a needy pain in the ass).

Piper was lulled into a false sense of security regarding sleep by almost a month of uninterrupted nine plus hours, with breakfast and coffee waiting for him when he finally left the bedroom.

Then one morning he woke up in a mid-sized ball pit/moonbounce. He shot up in bed, which set the moon bounce shaking and scattered the little plastic balls all over the bedroom floor. "What the fucking fuck...?" He rubbed at his eyes, unable to process the experience. "J-James!"

"Hey Pookie!" James somesaulted into the ball pit and snuggled up next to him. "G'morning."

"Oh no it's not. Where's the bed?"

"Safely stored in the empty apartment up the hall. You were really out of it last night, so after you fell asleep I thought I'd make a challenge for myself and see how much furniture in the bedroom I could swap without waiting for you. The bed was the big boss."

"Screwing with my sleep isn't a video game!"

"Anything can become a game with the right perspective. You didn't react to the dresser becoming a popcorn machine yet."

Piper leaned over the edge of the ballpit and scowled, noting that his bedroom bore a marked resemblance to a rich kid's birthday party or a carnival.

"After I wake up, and have my morning cup of coffee, remind me to punish you. Severely."

"You think I'd fuck with you this much and not have coffee already made in the kitchen? Yeesh. I'll put it all back while you're in the shower."

"Damn right you will," Piper snapped. "Now get out of my ballpit. I'm going back to sleep."


	57. 57 Spare Tire

**Spare Tire**

Piper let himself into James' apartment, looked around the various rooms, then stopped and listened, and heard cursing and heavy breathing coming from the basement of the building. He jogged downstairs to find his boyfriend shifting boxes.

"Hey. I was wondering if you needed any help."

"Ah!" Went James, who'd had three too many boxes balanced precariously in his arms to see Piper coming, and hadn't expected the greeting. He dropped his pile and one spilled open, dropping what at first glance seemed to be potato sacks onto the floor, but upon closer inspections were parachutes.

Piper quirked an eyebrow. "You collect parachutes? Is this a fear-of-heights thing?"

"No, this is an unhealthily-fixated-on-cartoons-thing." James pulled one of the parachutes open and ejected a spare tire.

"Impressive."

"Thanks, but I never use the damn things. I figure I don't need to lug them to the basement of our new place."

Piper frowned, looking at all of the boxes James had lugged to what he was assuming to be a 'trash' pile by the stairway. "Are you throwing out all of those old gimmicks?"

"Yeah. Uh...I'm recycling them, aren't I?"

"Oh heavens yes. I'll help though."

And just before the two moved in together, all of the battered playgrounds in the Central/Keystone area sported brand new tire swings.


	58. 58 Sugar

**Sugar**

Wally and Linda discovered, much to their horror, that the reason Sprinkles the rat had been so very large and short tempered was not because she was fat and mean, but because she was pregnant. They discovered this when Irey ran into their bedroom at four in the morning screaming about the ugly wet things falling out of Sprinkles.

Linda calmly got up, found her cell phone, and called Piper. When he didn't answer she poked Wally until he got out of bed, ran across town, and brought the rat enthusiast to the living room where Sprinkles' cage was set up.

"What do you want me to do?" Piper asked, grumpy from his wake up.

"Make sure Sprinkles and the babies are okay. I'm going back to bed."

"Linda-"

"You must have known you were giving my kids a pregnant pet! You've raised thousands of these things by now! Take care of it or I'm having Wally run the whole cage set to Gotham so the new babies can be little treats for Catwoman's pets."

"You're vicious when you're sleep deprived, you know that?"

So Linda had gone to bed, and Piper had watched over Sprinkles and taught the curious twins (who refused to go back to bed) about rat-birth. And after a couple hours James had shown up with severe bedhead and in much confusion, looking for his boyfriend.

Piper left, absolving himself of personal responsibility for Sprinkles' litter from then on.

Until Linda showed up with a box of young rats the day they were old enough to leave their mother. "Irey and Jai each picked out a rat they're keeping," She explained. "Irey's taking Sugar and Jai named his Splenda, to annoy her I think. You want the rest?"

"Is the other option Wally walking around the Watchtower with them in a box that says free on it?" Piper asked. Linda nodded. "Fine, I'll take them."


	59. 59 Sunburn

**Sunburn**

Piper was starting to think he'd have been better off just letting Flash catch him, going to jail, and breaking out than dealing with his present consequences. He'd spent the better part of a cloudless sunny day evading Flash. Outdoors.

Now, if he'd been wearing the Pied Piper costume it might not have been so bad, but his criminal act had been more opportunistic than pre-planned, so he'd been wearing a shirtless tee and shorts, with his hair pulled back off his neck. Now every bit of exposed skin was almost fluorescently red, contrasting vividly with the corpse-white freckle-flecked patches. He was in agony.

"Hey Piper, you home? I need to borrow some CDs for a gimmick I wanna-whoa! What the holy hell happened to you?" James had sauntered uninvited into Piper's living room where he was sprawled over his coach in his boxers trying not to move lest he crack more of his skin into a peel.

"Isn't it obvious?" Piper groaned.

"Were you shot with a lazer gun or something? I mean shit-do I need to get you to a hospital? Are you okay?"

Piper stared blearily at the golden hued Italian-American hovering over him, currently exuding more concern than Piper thought he was capable of. Piper was a nice cocktail of different kinds of northwestern European heritage, ie a whitey-mcwhite-white. He wasn't the smallest fraction of any ethnicity that tanned.

He hadn't slept thanks to the sunburn, and was also suffering a dehydration migraine. James wasn't helping.

"A lazer? James, it's a sunburn. Haven't you ever had one before?"

"Uh...well I thought I did, but my skin never turned _red_. Like that's, that's _really_ red." He pressed his finger on Piper's arm and pulled it up, watching in amazement as it turned white before resuming its red hue. Piper tried to smack him, clutched his joints where the skin cracked and peeled, then fell off the couch and yelped.

"Ow! Damn that stings!"

"That is so weird. This must be what people mean when they say they turn into a lobster." James reached over to poke Piper's arm again but stopped at the glare that got him.

"I hate you. So very, very much right now."

"Uh...anything I can do to help?" James asked, switching back from curiosity to concern.

Piper was tempted to tell the other crook to go fuck himself (stupid tanned asshole), but he could certainly benefit from a gopher in his present incapacitated state...

"There's a pad of paper and a pen somewhere on the coffee table. I'll make you a shopping list."


	60. 60 30 Minutes to Say Goodbye

**30 Minutes to Say Goodbye**

Setting: Teen Titans Possible Future AU

Neron was making a bid for Earth in a way he never had before. This plan had been generations in the making; the ones Trickster and Wally had foiled paled in comparison. He had scores of ticked off sociopathic metas from a multiverse of dimensions for foots oldiers, and he'd proven himself superior to just about anything those on the sensory realm had to throw at him.

Billy had known it was coming. He'd been training for it for years, but the battles were terrible and the cost of it all affected him more than he'd anticipated. He hadn't meant to make such strong friendships. And he hadn't expected Neron to use the souls of his dead parents against him.

Which was why he'd done what he had, not some confused notion of martyrdom, but because he knew the only way they'd win was if Neron's control of souls was broken. Getting eviscerated in the process was just doing what needed to be done. He was a Buddhist, he hadn't really believed in a self anyway.

James and Mindy on the other hand...

"I'm...I'm really sorry about-"

"Don't."

Piper touched Wally's shoulder, trying to nudge him away from the grieving parent. They weren't quite out of earshot when Wally started expressing his confusion.

"I don't get it. Didn't he only know Billy for like a year? And he's back from the dead now that Neron's gone, along with everyone else under his thrall. Isn't Billy going to come back too?"

"No Wally. Billy's soul got destroyed. He's just gone. There's nothing to come back," Piper explained softly.

"Oh..."

"And James was helping Billy while he was dead. Billy was a necromancer, remember?"

"Oh. Oh Piper...can you help James?"

"I'm gonna try."

"Try nothing," James muttered to himself. "There's always a loophole. I just need to figure it out, that's all." And so he'd sought out anyone he could with an understanding of magic, mediumship, or cosmology, looking for some kind of answer. How did anyone know for sure Neron had destroyed Billy's soul anyway? His son was still alive somehow...some way...he had to be.

That sacrifice was way too big for a teenager.

But the search didn't bring any new answers, and James sank back to despondency. He showed up on Piper's doorstep looking lost and defeated in a way Piper had never seen. He invited him inside and sat with him, wishing he knew some way to get rid of James' pain.

"It just...he was gone so fast Piper. I didn't get to talk to him. We never had enough time together, and when he...negated, he-I wasn't even in control of myself. I was Neron's puppet."

"And there was nothing to bury. James, you need to say goodbye."

"But there's nothing to say goodbye to."

"Pretend," Piper got up and came back with a picture of Billy. He handed it off to James. "Pretend he's here and say what you would have said. It might help. You know he didn't make that sacrifice so you and Mindy would suffer. You need to get better."

James nodded, and after a few minutes he started talking to the picture, telling it everything he'd wished he'd said to his son.

And for the next thirty minutes, Piper listened while James said goodbye.


	61. 61 Advice

**Advice**

Even Wally, dense though he could be when it came to emotions and relationships (dense wasn't quite the right word...prone to oversimplification and expecting that of others covered it nicely), noticed that there was something different about Trickster when he was around Piper (okay, so Linda had told him, but once he thought to look it was totally there). First he'd tried talking to Piper about it, since they were undoubtedly better friends and more used to having non-work conversations.

It hadn't gone well.

"Look, I know you're not that great with gay culture, and I try to be patient with you. Generally I think I do a good job. But do _not _even attempt talking to me about crushes on straight friends. Okay? It's just...complicated. You won't get it, trust me."

"But Piper, I don't think he's-"

"Leave. It. Alone."

So he had. For a few weeks anyway (which to a speedster feels like significantly more time than most people realize). But it was clear from Piper's reaction that he had a pretty intense crush on James, and James was bleeding uncomfortable tells left and right (which just plain wasn't like him-he wasn't even that obvious about his thing for Catwoman!) So Wally had tried talking to James about it.

Which had also been a mistake. He realized that sometime between the weighted yo-yo to the face and the pudding bomb.

"I give up. You take this one."

"Excuse me?" Linda quirked an eyebrow. "If they're too stubborn to hook up, that's their problem."

"But they're crazy for each other! And I mean literal I had to run from exploding toys crazy. I can't believe they won't even _talk_ to me."

Linda rolled her eyes. "You're their friend. What makes you think they'll respond better to me?"

"Everyone responds better to you."

And Linda had gotten polite refusals to talk about their feelings.

Then the world had almost ended, and been saved, and almost ended, and been saved, and there had been deaths, and resurrections, and one day James had turned up at the West house and agreed to have that conversation Wally had been trying to have for at least five years.

"So...Piper."

"Yeah, Piper," Wally agreed. And just to be a jack ass, "What about him?"

"Rrgh...Look, you offered to talk to me about this before. And sad though it may be, I don't really have anyone else to go to with this."

"On account of how you sicced the FBI on all your old buddies?"

Another glare. Wally shrugged it off, and tried to stop enjoying baiting James (still though, you only had _so_ many opportunities to go after the guy who'd made his gimmick being a pain in the ass).

"Are you ready to admit you've got a thing for Piper?"

James sighed. "I care about him. But how the hell do I tell if I'm gay?"

"Yeah, _now_ you want my advice. I feel like I should be throwing exploding yo-yos at you."

"Actually, I used the weighted yo-yos."

"Right, right. Look James, just check. It's worth checking out, isn't it?"

"Check?"

"Yeah. Talk to Piper, not me. C'mon, you know that at least. But be careful. He didn't try to blow me up or anything, but he's pretty sensitive about this subject too."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. I'll go talk to him. By the way, last time I'm ever talking about feelings with you again. You kinda suck at it."

Wally shrugged. "I save my A material for people who've never hit me with weighted yo-yos. Good luck James."

And a couple weeks later Linda announced that Piper and James were coming over for a couples thing she'd set up. To which Wally muttered "Friggin' finally."


	62. 62 Argument with a Parent

**Argument with a Parent **

Piper seemed to be unfortunately fated to counsel the West family through personal crises, something he marveled at considering how much he failed at his own personal problems. They didn't seem to notice that though, as they turned up in succession whenever there was a problem. Whether it was Linda one day and Wally the next or vice versa for marriage advice, or Irey and Jai asking the questions you ask a respected authority figure who isn't a parent, Piper's default mode was shifting from 'get my costume' to 'get a mug of cocoa' whenever one of them turned up on his doorstep.

The week the twins started their junior year of high school was going down as his most strenuous counseling week ever though. On Wednesday Jai turned up, wringing his hands nervously and asking for absolute secrecy.

"Of course Jai. What's the problem?"

"Um...so you know how when Dad found out you were gay he ran down a building?"

"Mm hm. I was there, I remember." It was one of those often repeated anecdotes, much to Wally's defensive horror.

"So...d'ya think he'd do that again, um...?"

Piper sighed. "That was years ago Jai, and he loves you. He won't care that you're gay."

"I know he probably won't care, but I'm still scared. It's different when it's your family, y'know? And, and I'm already letting him down a lot...since I'm not a very good superhero. Not like Irey."

"Jai..."

The conversation continued to be emotionally draining, but Jai eventually left the house with a timid smile and a battle plan for coming out to his parents (something that would be no surprise whatsoever to Linda but probably would startle Wally).

The next day Irey was running laps around Piper's neighborhood when he got home from the grocery store. She took the bag out of his arms, put everything away for him, and then met him on his front stoop, bouncing from foot to foot with nervous energy. "Hiya Piper. Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"Um...so Daddy kinda thinks I'm gay, and I need to figure out how to tell him I'm not."

Piper blinked. "P-pardon?"

"I think it's cuz I cut my hair short, and I joined the GSA cuz my best friend Angie just came out and I wanted to support her, but actually I'm pretty sure I'm not a lesbian, and he keeps telling me how proud he is of me, and I want him to be proud but I...I like boys."

Piper had to try very hard not to laugh at what was obviously a painstaking situation for the young girl. 'Oh Wally, still need some help seeing beyond the surface, huh?'

"Yeah Irey. C'mon in. We'll figure out how to tell your dad you're straight."

"Cool."

When Wally showed up the next day Piper slammed the door in his face. "Take care of your own damn problems!"

Wally stared confusedly at the locked door. "P-Piper?"

Piper opened the door, a sour expression on his face. "I have been counseling distraught Wests all week. You're all fine! You love each other, and you have a perfect freakish family bond where all you fight about is how much you love each other. You want to see real family problems? I can tell you about my upbringing. The only thing any of you need is maybe some lessons in communication!"

Wally rolled his eyes. "I know all that. Irey and Jai told us about how helpful you were and I figured the decent thing to do would be to drop by and thank you for saving me from some really awkward arguments with my kids. We got you a gift certificate to that used record store downtown." Wally handed off the certificate in a card that was signed by the family.

Piper read through the card a few times, a smile on his face. "So everything went over well?"

"Hm? Yeah. My kids both like boys and I should stop assuming things based on haircuts. You know, you do a great job with the kids as far as their emotional health and stuff goes, but d'ya hafta make me sound like such an idiot?"

"You were destroying Irey's self-esteem by making her think she was a butchie. I had to make her laugh somehow."

"I don't know these things! She chopped her hair off and went to a gay pride parade! I think my confusion is still completely defensible."

"Yeah, y'know, you could have asked her _why _she was going to the parade."

"I, well, er...yeah. Shut up. Parenting's hard."

Piper inwardly groaned, feeling another counseling session coming on. He went into the kitchen and taped his card to the fridge, then put on some water for cocoa. "You're doing a good job so far though."

"Thanks."


	63. 63 Cackle Madly

**Cackle Madly**

Setting: A less death-filled AU

The Rogues had started out as a group of self-interested assholes in costumes, looking to band together mostly out of cowardice to jump one guy seven-ish or so to one and possibly avoid sentences at Iron Heights. And in many ways they were still that same self-interested group, but over time their interests had expanded to include each other (when had they become so friendly?) and, oddly enough, the well-being of the next generation of Rogues.

That's right. Some of them had fathered children, and even more impressively, reared them to adolescence. And now Billy, Josh, and Owen all wanted to follow in their fathers' footsteps. Which meant the Rogues had to teach them the delicate business of costumed villainy.

"So first step to a heist is picking your mark," James started. "And it's perfectly acceptable to pick something easy. Don't worry about impressing the other villains out there-with us for Dads you won't pull that off anyway. Just play to your strengths."

"Play to your strengths," Owen repeated, jotting some quick notes. Josh rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. That's why I take carnivals and toy exhibits, Captain Cold goes after ice shows and stuff, Piper hits up concerts, see? It's not that hard."

"Doesn't that make Flash anticipate you though?" Billy asked.

"Course it does." James ruffled his son's hair affectionately. "But our Cape's fast, so he's gonna have plenty of time to show up once we trip something anyway, so we might as well pick ground we can fight our best on. Right?"

"Okay Dad. What next?"

"Play dirty," Mark spoke up. "Get help if you need to, plan in advance, and set up as many traps as you can. Try to make Flash sweat."

Owen jotted down the notes again, and this time Josh flicked a crumpled bit of paper into his hair.

"When you go for the loot, y'gotta prioritize. There's always gonna be more than you can carry, so get good at picking out what's gonna catch a good price in advance," Digger advised. "Or if you can, team up with someone who knows better."

"That's why we keep Raider. Art museum heists," James explained.

"Oh!" the boys chorused. They'd all been wondering about that for years.

"What happens when you get caught?" Owen asked.

"Take it like a man. Don't worry, we'll bust you out of juvie or Iron Heights, wherever they send you," Mark promised. "The Rogues always have each others' backs."

"Kay. And when we get away with it?"

"Cackle madly of course," James answered with a grin.


	64. 64 Cameo

**Cameo**

"You're thinking about this all wrong...look Piper, think of it like a cameo. You're just dropping in, making a quick appearance-"

"And then you're calling and pretending the world's in peril so I can leave."

"Right."

"Promise me Wally. Swear on your life. Swear on everything that is holy."

"Look dude, maybe you shouldn't go. I mean if you're this rattled by it-"

"My parents let me back in. They're thinking about letting me take Jerrie for overnight visits. I have to suck up for a little while. And if that means having dinner with a homophobic minister-"

"You're going to at least pretend to be attending," Wally finished with a smirk.

"You're damn right. Wait about fifteen minutes before you call, but if you take much longer than that they'll either be trying to convince me I can be saved from the demon homosexuality or inviting me to something worse. I'm serious Wally-if you miss this we're no longer friends."

"You don't feel at all bad about lying to a man of God?"

Piper gave Wally a _look_. "With his views, we're obviously not talking about the same God."

"Right, right."

It was a moot point anyway. Wally showed up for a legitimate emergency ten minutes into dinner.


	65. 65 Charge

**Charge**

When Linda's mother had a stroke during that horrible point in the school year when the twins had used up all their sick days and couldn't afford to miss another day, even for a family emergency (her parents had actually already had quite a lot of 'health problems', particularly during Crises), the Wests had scrambled to find sitters so Linda could fly out of state and join her mother at her bedside.

There were plenty of babysitters to choose from, but not one that could take the kids for the entire two weeks the couple was planning to be away. This meant the babysitters were going to have to drop the kids off at each others' houses and keep in communication with each other.

Which resulted in Barry Allen sitting in his car pleading with his wife on the phone, because he really-_really_ did not want to drive across town and get the kids. "C'mon Iris, it wouldn't take you that long-"

"No. I'm already running late with this story as it is. You don't even have to talk to them hon, just get the kids and leave. And I might add, Piper at least has always been pleasant to me. I haven't really spoken with James that much."

"No, I...I trust Wally's judgment, it's just awkward. I used to beat those guys up."

"I'm sure they don't hold it against you."

"Plus...they're just a little weird."

Iris paused before answering. "Look hon, I really have to get back to work. Don't worry about talking to your ex-nemeses. I'll see you later."

"Yeah, bye."

Barry drove up to Piper and Trickster's house, which looked normal enough (although the blue paint was a little loud, and there were an unusual amount of gaudy lawn ornaments). He got out of the car just in time to hear a scream of "CHARGE!"

Instinctually, Barry was in his Flash costume and in the backyard before he thought about it.

Where James, Irey, and Jai were waiting with paint ball guns and water balloons.


	66. 66 Coffee

**What do you mean, there's no coffee?**

James was pretty sure there was someone else in his bed (and not the full grown man he was used to), but he also wasn't sure he wanted to wake up fully and deal with it. He'd been sick all week, and what he really wanted was to sleep for another straight day or two. Still, he rolled over and opened his eyes, and spied a pair of fright-widened green eyes in front of him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" And then there was a little girl jumping off of his bed and running through his house at superspeed, kicking up stray papers, knocking over furniture, and scaring the hell out of the rats.

James dragged himself out of bed, put on his robe and slippers, and shuffled to the kitchen where Piper was making cocoa for not one, but two speedster-rugrats.

"Why?"

"Good morning James," Piper greeted cheerfully. James glared at him.

"Why are there children in this house?" He turned his glare to the table, where Irey and Jai were sitting. "Screaming children, no less?"

"Irey..." Piper prodded her.

"S-sorry for screaming at you Mr. Jesse. I was just, um, seeing if you were awake yet and when you woke up I got scared. I won't scream anymore."

Experience with the jumpy little girl said otherwise, but James was willing to let it go.

"Wally and Linda had a family emergency, so we're watching the kids for a couple days," Piper explained.

"We?"

"_I'm_ watching the kids, but as we live in the same house-"

"Yeah yeah. I need coffee." James started poking around in the cabinets, looking for his usual tin of gourmet coffee. "Piper? Where's my coffee?" He'd done the grocery shopping that week on account of James' cold.

"Hm? Oh, I couldn't find that stuff you'd written down so I bought the coffee that was on sale." Piper pointed to the cabinet by the fridge. James opened it up and stared in horror at a bulk package of instant coffee.

"James? Is everything okay?"

"It will be as soon as you donate that crap to the shelter and get me real coffee."

"Tricksy man said a bad word," Irey giggled. She made amends by zipping from the house and returning with a Starbucks cup for James though. "My Mommy likes this stuff. She has me do Mommy-juice runs for her all the time."

Jame sipped the latte and looked at the girl appraisingly. "Alright, you can stay. What's your brother do?"


	67. 67 Everything in the Garden Ripens at On

**Everything in the Garden Ripens at Once**

Piper was sitting on the couch with his laptop when a couple of train tickets fell onto his keyboard. He looked up, saw James smiling at him, and then went back to checking his email like nothing had happened.

James scowled. "Oh come on. You're not even going to see where the tickets are for?"

"It's not like you're not going to tell me anyway. Besides, I've got a bit of an aversion to trains now."

James rolled his eyes and muttered about how if one of them should be averse to trains it should totally have been him. Which Piper heard, and when his shoulders tensed James decided he needed to switch to defensive. Because being shackled to a dead body hadn't been any more fun than dying, and he had a hard time remembering that sometimes.

"I'll change it over to bus tickets or something then. Selina and Harley invited us up for a few days. C'mon, we can head up to Gotham and be social."

Piper closed his laptop. "I don't particularly want to be social in Gotham-"

"But baby-"

"With your ex-fling-"

"Piper-"

"What?"

"There's a music festival passing through town..."

And so they'd hopped a bus to visit the girls, both crooks forgetting that Selina and Harley were living with Poison Ivy at the moment, and that the last time they'd seen Ivy the circumstances had been less than ideal.

They remembered when every plant in front of the refurbished animal shelter ripened and grew, springing at them with thorny tendrils. As James ran down the street on Piper's heels, he just knew he was going to be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future.


	68. 68 Weirdest Voyeur Ever

**Weirdest Voyeur Ever**

For funsies, I've decided to make this delicious, delicious prompt an AU possible future for my pavement cracks universe, wherein Trickster and Fury know/loathe each other and competed for Piper's affections before Fury went to jail.

When Earl finally got out of jail legitimately he briefly considered taking up the costumed life again. That aspiration ended when he tried on the clingy spandex number he'd had made up for him back in his youth and noticed how ridiculous it looked with love handles.

Oh well. It's not like he'd been any good at the costumed thing anyway. He got a 'real' job in construction, trimmed down the love handles, and started working towards developing some semblance of an adult life. Really he almost never thought about costumed adventures and daring robberies anymore. About how he'd mucked up the perfect partnership and driven his boyfriend to an idiot who attacked people with yo-yos and rubber chickens. He tried not to be bitter.

Then one morning there was a vortex in his room. It wasn't a very large room to begin with (decrepit one room studio), so the swirling blue vortex in the wall where his TV had been was pretty noticable.

"Huh." Earl tossed a crushed cola can into it, watched it spin around for a minute and then turn into vapor.

"Really? A mystic portal opens in your living space and all you can think is to chuck your trash into it?" A disembodied condescending voice mocked.

Earl looked around, trying to place the voice.

"I'm not in the room stupid. Well, I kinda am but you're not going to see me."

"Trickster?" Earl guessed, pretty sure he'd placed the voice. "Fucking hell. Of all the god damned people to haunt, what the hell are you doing here?"

"You think it was a choice?" At least Trickster sounded as happy about the arrangement as he was. "Hold on a sec, I'll be right back." The vortex seemed to waver, almost close, and just when Earl thought it was going to fade away and leave him in peace, it flashed a dazzling blue light and the Trickster walked out of it, in a battered, bloodied version of his costume and missing a hand.

"Yeesh! The hell happened to you?" Earl asked, jumping back.

"I died. Duh." Trickster sighed, hovered over to Earl's futon and 'sat' (he was still floating) on it. "I'm a ghost, and you're the only one on this plane who can see me."

"Fan-fucking tastic. Why'd ya pick me?"

"Didn't. I made a deal when I got to the other side. Gave up my eternal reward-"

"Reward?"

"I did save creation from Neron more than once you know. Don't worry, everyone else forgot about it too. Point is, I gave it up so I could come back and keep an eye on Piper. He wasn't doing so great the last time I...anyway, the powers that be said they'd hook me up with a medium, that'd be you, who cared about Piper as much as I do, and together we can keep him safe."

"Well go tell your powers that be to fuck themselves. I haven't even seen Hartley in years. We're done."

"I know. Thing is, you feel otherwise. If not, I wouldn't be here," Trickster explained.

Earl frowned. "How much trouble's he in?"

"You know how he has that thing where if you leave him alone too long he gets all self sacrificing and almost dies?"

"Yeah." Back when Earl had first met Hartley, he'd been a worrying mix of naive and headstrong. Earl had instituted a 'buddy system after dark' protocol to keep Piper from either being mugged, killed, or to prevent him giving away all their finances to 'someone who needed it more'.

"Yeah. Piper turned himself in for a crime he wasn't responsible for, and he's in Iron Heights getting tortured by the world's most sadistic warden." Trickster watched the visible effect his words had on Earl. He'd conquered most of his anger management issues, but he still didn't like to think of other people touching HIS boyfriend...

Shit. He did still care.

"Alright Casper, I'm in."


	69. 69 What in the Name of Evil

**What in the name of evil-**

Len was having a bad day. He had a head ache, he'd been hit with a restraining order (pointless gesture that it was-any cop would arrest him on sight for his costumed villainy, let alone getting within a certain distance of a girl who had seemed nice but was apparently a stuck up bitch), he'd almost bumped into his dad the other day (and totally wasn't still jumpy about it) and on top of it all, he had to go plan a heist with the Rogues.

Which admittedly could sometimes be fun, otherwise he wouldn't keep hanging with the needy costumed divas, but today he just wasn't in the mood. He wanted to head in, get it over with, and leave.

Suffice it to say, when he heard the hideout before getting within view of it, he knew whatever happened it wouldn't be quick. JJ must have done something to the speakers of the TV, because there's no way in hell Hartley would be blasting video game music that loud.

He parked his car, grabbed his cold gun, and started for the door...hole. Well there had been a door there before. One of the windows was gone too, and the guys had clearly been chucking their garbage out of it based on the pile of empty beer bottles and pizza boxes under it.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF EVIL IS GOING ON HERE!" He screamed. "THIS IS A HIDE-OUT! FOR HIDING! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE STEALTH YOU MORONS!"

"That's what I've been telling them!" Piper huffed indignantly.

"Shut up Nancy the Nag, no one was talking to you!" Digger snapped. So Piper chucked a crushed beer can at his head. So Digger threw a boomerang at him, which he managed to duck, but clipped Mark's hair, which got him all pissy...

Len walked back out of the door-hole, got back into his car and left. He'd deal with it in the morning.


	70. 70 Water Cooler

_A/NL: This one was written in response to a request by Artemis's Liege. I hope I covered everything you wanted to see with your prompt. Sorry if it's a bit rambly._

**Watchtower Water Cooler**

Every office building has that spot where employees gather and share the latest bits of gossip before continuing on with their workday. Though an unconventional work environment, in some ways the Justice League's Watchtower base functioned like any other workspace.

Their gossip spot just happened to be by the oh-so-cliche water cooler.

Barry Allen approached said water cooler for legitimate purposes, getting a cup of water to quench his thirst, on one of his first visits to the Watchtower after his resurrection. He was almost immediately accosted by Ollie.

"Hey, one sec!" Ollie shouted, running up to the machine and searching it over.

Barry quirked an eyebrow, startled. "Villains wouldn't be able to tamper with our drinking supply in our own base, would they?"

"It's not villains I'm worried about," Ollie answered cryptically. After searching the thing over for a few minutes more he finally straightened up. "Alright, no little bat symbols. It's clean."

"What are you accusing Bruce of? Do I even want to know?"

Ollie laughed at his confusion. "This is where the hens gather to chatter. I'm just making sure he didn't bug the damn thing again." Barry was still visibly confused. "We talk shit and he eavesdrops."

"Oh."

"Sometimes it's not just Bruce," Hal commented as he joined his friends. "I heard he had Oracle doing it for awhile, and if Bruce himself is to be believed, one of Wally's friends was doing it. Though how that kid would have gotten up here-"

"Which one of Wally's friends?" Barry asked suspiciously.

Hal shrugged. "I don't remember his name. The one with the music gimmick."

"Oh, the socialist kid! You know, I've been meaning to talk to him. People keep saying we'd get along," Ollie cut in. "How is his music anyway? You know the guys who make it their gimmick, it goes either way sometimes."

"He's good. He played at a couple of Wally's Christmas parties," Hal answered. He and Ollie kept chatting about Piper, critiquing him as a musician and marvelling at the fact that he'd actually bothered to learn to play reasonably well even after discovering he could hypnotize people, neither noticing how uncomfortable Barry had gotten with the conversation.

"Wait a minute, time out! Why is my ex-sidekick friends with one of my Rogues? And why are you guys so damn friendly with him?"

Hal looked confused. "Because he's nice?"

"He reformed ages ago Barry. Besides, he wasn't ever a real problem, was he?" Ollie asked.

Barry narrowed his eyes. "The last time I saw Hartley Rathaway he almost killed me with little speed demons he'd summoned from an alternate dimension."

"Oh. Well he's nice _now_," Hal said dismissively. Ollie nodded his agreement.

"Still though, he could relapse! No one ever stays reformed," Barry pointed out.

Then Clark walked over to them to join the gossip. "Which reformed villain are we talking about? Catwoman?"

"No, the Pied Piper. Wait, Catwoman reformed?" Hal asked.

Clark made an iffy motion with his hand. "Reformed enough for Bruce, I guess. Oh, I always liked Piper. He's a nice guy."

"Told you," Hal hissed, and Barry scowled.

"He's not nice. He almost killed me with little purple imps! Nice people don't do that. I bet you anything this pretending to be reformed thing is part of a villainous plot."

"Barry, he's been reformed since about the time you died," Hal said.

Clark frowned. "Didn't he relapse a couple times though?"

Ollie shrugged. "I didn't think so, but he's not my friend. We should ask Flash the younger."

"He didn't relapse," Dinah spoke up, and Barry gaped at how large their little gossip circle had grown so quickly. He hadn't even noticed her or Diana approach. "He had a couple mental breakdowns and the Rogues took advantage of him, that's all."

"Oh, so he's not evil, he's just crazy? Well that's much more comforting," Barry snapped sarcastically. "Sounds like Bruce should take him. He'd fit in much better in Gotham."

"He's not Gotham material," Hal said, shaking his head. "The man baked cookies for those Christmas parties. I'm telling you Barry, he's actually a nice guy. Little preachy though."

"A little? I heard he makes me look mild mannered and respectful!" Ollie said with a laugh.

Diana helped herself to some water (the first person besides Barry to actually drink anything) and then let out an indignant huff. "I don't know if nice is the right word for him, considering what I've heard."

"And what did you hear?" Barry asked, hoping someone would finally agree with him that the Pied Piper was a very dangerous person who could not possibly have reformed.

"I heard he has threeways with Wally and his wife."

"..."

"_What_?" Barry exploded.

"Well I didn't say it was from a credible source, but if it's true..."

Hal's head tilted to the side as he contemplated that, and Ollie face palmed. "Well it looks like you've traumatized Barry."

"Alright, I'll believe you guys that he's reformed, now can we just talk about something else? Anything else? Please!" Barry pleaded.

"Well, we were talking about Bruce and Catwoman earlier," Clark spoke up, and the gossip circle happily switched topics.

Meanwhile, in the Batcave Dick Grayson was seated at the computer listening to every word. He shook his head in amusement and then called Wally.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I was just listening in on the Watchtower water cooler talk," Dick said.

"Haven't they learned to check it for bugs yet?"

"Everyone still thinks Bruce's bugs are shaped like bat symbols, and besides that, Piper's are way more discreet. Anyway, you wouldn't believe the same tired old shit they're still talking about Piper."

Wally laughed. "I believe it. Hell, your mentor still thinks I'm cheating on my wife with Piper. I can't talk him out of that one."

Dick could hear footsteps behind him, and a moment later a gentle hand squeezed his shoulder. "Well...he has a certain investment in convincing himself you and Piper are an item. I've gotta go, but I figured I'd let you know that Barry was part of it. So you can expect an awkward phone call later."

"Alright, thanks for the heads up dude."

Dick ended the call, then twined fingers with his boyfriend. "So did you hear any of that?" he asked.

"I heard the part about Wonder Woman thinking I sleep with Wally and his wife. The threesome idea is new," Piper answered.

"Green Arrow and Green Lantern were talking about your music. They think you're pretty good."

Piper shook his head.

"I told you you don't suck."


	71. 71 Finding Fan Fiction

**Finding Fan fiction**

"Hey guys, I think Flash might have sprained something when we were fighting last night, so crime should be easy for the next couple of-what are you all doing?" Piper was expecting a better reaction to his announcement, or at least a thank you. But all the Rogues were staring spellbound at a computer that was set up on the coffee table.

Piper looked at the device suspiciously. It was emitting a faint green glow, and despite clearly being a desktop, there were no wires or any obvious source of power for it.

"I think you guys should get away from that thing. There's something wrong with it."

"It's magic, is what it is!" Digger exclaimed. "It knows things!"

"Back! Got the notebooks." Mark ran into the room with enough notebooks and pens for all of them. "What'd I miss?"

"You're never going to believe who Batman really is," Mick said. He was sitting in front of the computer.

"Wait, it has secret identities?" Piper asked, moving to claim a spot on the couch behind the computer.

"Yeah, the Wikipedia on this thing has info on all of us!" James said. "It knows about my fear of heights, and it tells the future. BTdubs I've got a really lame death I'm hoping to cheat."

"I'm gonna have a kid, apparently." Mark looked pretty discomfited by that.

"Good luck with that. Guys, this could just be an elaborate hoax," Piper pointed out.

"What's that link? Fan fiction..." Mick muttered, then clicked the link. "Huh. Looks like kids just writing stories about us."

"Oh God." Piper was familiar with the existence of fan fiction, he just wasn't aware there'd be any for the Rogues. "Guys, you don't want to read this."

"This one says it's smut bunnies. What the hell's...?" Despite Piper's protests, Mick opened the link and the Rogues all stared, horrified, as they read about a massive gay orgy about everyone present (except Boomerang).

"_EW_!"

"What the hell is wrong with these people?"

"It _is _an evil computer!"

"Why is Rainbow Raider there and not me? He's not even a real Rogue! That's just insulting."

"Alrighty, enough with this site. Back to google." Mick sent them to the search engine and followed a link to livejournal (Piper face palmed, knowing that that wouldn't be much different).

"Hey Tricks, there's a community all about you and Piper being gay together."

"Rory shut your face or I'll shut it for you."

"Just go to the main Rogues community! They said there's a main one!" Piper begged, bright red after seeing some racy fan art.

"Okay...huh."

They spent the better part of the night reading fan fic between the two communities, and looking through art and scans. Finally Mark voiced some confusion they were all feeling.

"So Len...what the hell did you do to get all the fan girl love?"

"Dashing good looks and charm," James suggested cheekily, and was whapped with the butt of a cold gun for it. "Nix the charm."


	72. 72 Heat of the Moment

**Heat of the Moment (Gender-Switch)**

"Wow."

"Oh shut the hell up," Piper snapped, then squeaked at the sound of her (which was temporary, she had to keep reminding herself that the specialist said she'd revert to male in a couple days) voice. "Argh, I sound like my cousin! Will you wipe that smirk off your face?"

"Sorry. You just...you're kinda hot," James said with a shrug.

"I am not! This stupid body is terrible. It's soft and rounded, and there are these friggin' fat deposits hanging off my chest-"

"Those'd be boobs hon, they're normal."

"I know they're normal but I don't like them! They hurt when I run. And don't call me hon. I'm one of your _guy _friends. Remember that or I will castrate you."

"Piper, are you wearing a bra? Ow!" James rubbed his face where he'd been slapped. "I'm not being a pervert-if it hurts when you run you should wear a bra!"

"Oh. Well that makes sense." She looked down at her new chest. "What kind of bra..." she mumbled.

"If you let me squeeze 'em I'm pretty sure I can guess what size you are."

Piper was pretty sure James actually was being a pervert that time, and so felt justified in slapping him a second time.

James laughed. "Look, when my ex moved out she left a bunch of her stuff behind. Do you wanna head over to my place and take a look through her clothes?"

"I guess. But can you tone it down? This is really awkward."

"Sorry, sorry. I'll keep the sexual harassment to a minimum."

"Thank you."

And he did last a good twenty minutes or so, but while they were walking to James' house they happened to get caught in the crossfire of a Flash vs. Alien Invaders scuffle (Piper was pretty well disguised, but James dove for a dumpster when he noticed Flash passing by). They found themselves running like crazy from the aliens, which got their adrenaline up, and then they were all sweaty, and mussed, and the front of Piper's shirt ripped, showing some cleavage...

And in the heat of the moment, James kissed her. She didn't slap him that time.

The next morning, when she was doing the walk of shame away from James' house wearing his ex-girlfriend's rejected clothes, Piper wondered if she counted as a heterosexual or not.


	73. 73 It's D & D!

**It's D&D!**

"So Tricks...we're still on for that _Dunkin' Donuts_ run later, right?" Mark asked nervously, with a very suspicious wink.

James made an effort not to laugh and nodded. "I'll see you later dude."

Mark left the hideout, and, curiosity piqued, Piper plopped down on the couch next to James. "You and Mark have Dunkin' Donuts plans? Is that some sort of gay code I'm not familiar with yet for a date night?"

"Hell no! Ew. Besides if I was going to go gay for one of you guys it totally wouldn't be Mark. I'd be afraid of something in that rat's nest of hair eating me. We're playing Dungeons and Dragons, but he's nervous about being labeled a loser so he came up with a code for it."

"Huh. You know, I think the code words actually make it more pathetic."

"There is nothing inherently dorky about tabletop role playing games," James said severely. "It all has to do with the quality of company you play with. That in mind, I make a pretty kick ass DM and we could use a few more players. Interested?"

Piper sighed. "Maybe if it actually was some kind of secret gay code, but sadly I'd rather have a social life tonight."

"You didn't listen to a thing I just said, did you?"


	74. 74 Ivy

**Ivy**

"I just want you to know, this is completely unacceptable."

"Yeah! Unacceptable and downright lousy-"

"Harley, remember how we agreed I should be the one who spoke?"

"Right, right. Go ahead Kitty."

Sighing, Poison Ivy looked up from her botanical journal and regarded her roommates. "I'll humor you for exactly ten minutes. Plead your case. What am I being unacceptable about?"

"Company! We should be allowed to invite over whoever we want! It's our house too!" Harley exploded. Selina sighed.

"Harley, if you're not going to stick to the plan could you please at least acknowledge that it's actually my house?"

"Oh yeah. Go right ahead and talk Kitty."

"Thank you."

"Wait, wait. Selina, how am I restricting the company you girls keep? You haven't had any visitors at all since we've lived together," Ivy pointed out, confused.

"That's exactly the problem. We've been trying to invite over some friends from Keystone City since that last wave of resurrections, and they've refused to visit because of your reputation."

"I can't help my reputation."

"Apparently you attacked them. Could you apologize? And please stop intimidating my friends. Harley and I only really have the two in common."

"Who'd I intimidate anyway?" Ivy asked, curious. She scowled upon being told. "You've got to be kidding me."

And the next night when James and Piper returned home with their takeout, they immediately dropped their bags and ran screaming in the other direction.

Neither stopped to look at the monstrous vines wrapped around their house long enough to notice that the plants were spelling out a very insincere apology.


	75. 75 Kicks and Giggles

**Kicks and Giggles**

"What the hell was that?"

"Hm?" Mindy barely glanced away from her text book. "What was what?"

"You didn't feel it?" James sat up and leaned against the headboard, resting his cheek on her shoulder. He'd been lounging with his head on her tummy and his arms around her waist, waiting for her to finish studying so they could have their damn date already (they were already running an hour late).

"James? What was I supposed to feel?"

"Like your stomach was growling, but times a million. Are you feeling alright pretty girl? You're not getting sick, are you?"

She shook her head, set the book down, and settled into a cuddle. "I'm fine."

"Okay, I guess. So what's up with the bulky sweatshirt? Are you cold? Oh my god, you are sick, aren't you? You're dying, and you don't want to tell me because I'm leaving town anyway, that's it?"

She laughed at that one. "No, sweetie, I swear I'm fine. I'm wearing the sweatshirt because I'm cold, and my stomach is rumbling because I'm hungry. I'm about due for a study break. Do you want to take me out to dinner?"

"Of course."

"JJ...just to check. There's not...I mean you wouldn't consider staying behind with me?"

"What, leaving the circus?" James shook his head. "No, I've gotta stay. Pop would track me down and kill me for ruining the act if I left. But after you graduate you're going to call me, and then we'll get married and all that jazz, right?"

She smiled. "Sounds like a plan to me."

While they were at dinner James again excitedly explained to his girlfriend all about the flying shoes, what a difference they'd make in the act, how he'd never be afraid again, and most importantly, how maybe his parents might finally respect him. She almost broke down and told him a few times, but decided against it.

It did make her giggle though. He honestly didn't notice that what he'd felt weren't tummy rumbles, but kicks.


	76. 76 Laundry Day

**Laundry Day**

"This is your fault."

"I willingly accept the blame."

"I'm hating you a little bit right now."

"Uh huh. Couch?"

"Oh hell yes couch!"

"I'll make a fort. And you're totally not allowed in."

Piper glared. James shrugged.

When they'd first started dating James had expressed abject horror at the way Piper kept house and home, and so hadn't been willing to discuss living together until Piper proved he was able (if not willing) to do basic chores. And a few months after the condition was raised, James noticed that Piper had hired a maid and wasn't actually doing the chores himself. After a few heated discussions, Piper fired the maid and James had moved in, but instituted a chore chart.

And Piper had faithfully done all of his chores (even the ones he saw as pointless, like dusting). But James had accepted his least favorite chore, since he didn't trust Piper to actually do it, and he'd procrastinated, and procrastinated, and procrastinated...

And now Piper had to face going to his parents for Thanksgiving dinner in either dirty clothes or his original Pied Piper costume.

He glared at James again. "You need to fix this."

James sighed. "I'll call Wally and see if he'll run to the store and pick us up some clothes."

"You're damn right you will! Couch for a month and do the damn laundry!"

"Nag, nag, nag."


	77. 77 Lick

**Lick**

_Setting: Pavement Cracks Universe _

Piper sighed, just about ready to give up his bedside vigil.

They'd been out robbing an auction and Flash had shown up with company (Green Lantern and Green Arrow, and from the sound of it they'd been out drinking together before they'd suited up), which usually meant bad things for the Rogues. All their tricks were designed specifically for a speedster, IE other heroes pantsed them effortlessly. It was really starting to kill their reps outside the Cities. Piper considered suggesting broadening their range at the next poker night.

James had gotten shoved through a plate glass window by Green Lantern, which resulted in numerous lacerations and the migraine to end all migraines. Thank God Len had been watching the breaking news and sent help, or they wouldn't have gotten away and James would be in the Iron Heights infirmary instead of Piper's apartment looped up on Dr. Kendra's personal pain med cocktail.

It really was an excellent dose of pain meds, perfect for every injury the Rogues had needed treated so far. They were lucky to have her as a crime doctor, really.

But the drugs made the patient particularly loopy, and James always responded the same way.

"...why did you lick me?" Piper asked, scooting his chair back from the bed.

"I wanted so see if you had flavor. Which flavor. Mac'n cheese r' chick'n n stars..."

He always thought Piper's hair was edible.


	78. 78 Manicure Set

**Manicure Set**

Linda tapped her coffee cup a few times as she watched the exchange taking place in front of her, but she didn't say anything. She went back to the table she'd claimed at the café and opened a magazine when it was clear Hartley was going to be a few minutes, and waited for him.

She looked up when a little plastic kit was thunked onto the table in front of her. Linda glanced at Piper's reddened face with a quirked eyebrow.

"Do you want this?" he mumbled.

"A manicure kit? Not really, no. I get my nails done at the same place once a month. So you really bought something from the guy with the Romanian accent over there?"

"I think it's clear that I did, yes."

"Despite the fact that you have no use for the manicure set?"

"Mmhm."

"Hartley, sweetie, do you even know how to _use _a manicure set?"

"Haven't the slightest idea." He held up his hands for inspection, showing off the stubby, broken fingernails of a tinkerer.

Linda sighed. "Did you at least get his phone number?"

"Oh yes. We're meeting for coffee on Friday."

"Ah. Well that's something."


	79. 79 Marbles

**Marbles**

James knew he was unusual in regards to his love for toys. The fact that he was a grown man who still collected like nobody's business was its own problem, but it wasn't unprecedented. There were plenty of other toy enthusiasts out there, and he did talk to some of them online (mostly through death threats in e-bay auctions, but still). The fact that he gimmicked them up to battle first heroes, then villains when he switched sides, was also unusual, but then not heard of.

What he felt really isolated him was his appreciation for classic toys. This was brought home when he tried to give Jai West a bag of marbles for a present.

The eight year old looked at him defiantly. "If it doesn't play music, have a screen, make things explode or even blink lights at me, I don't want to play with it. Geeze, you'd think the Trickster would have better taste in toys."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Oh God." Wally smacked a hand to his face. "James, if you get in a fight with my kid at his birthday party, I am going to make you leave without cake."

"Don't you get lippy with me too! It's not my fault you're raising an uncultured little beast."

"You got Irey a real present. Everyone always gets Irey better presents," Jai whined.

"Piper made you a custom flute for your music lessons," Wally reminded him. "I thought that was a pretty good present."

Jai stared at the little sack of marbles. "I still think this is a lame gift."

"Look, just behave. I have to go hang up the piñata." Wally walked off, glancing warily behind him every now and then to make sure the ex-super villain and the eight year old weren't getting up to mischief. As soon as he was out of earshot James ruffled Jai's hair and beamed at him.

"Good job Jai. Now he'll never suspect I gave you the gimmicked marbles."

"So the green ones are the ones that work like stink bombs, and if I roll this gray one under my teacher's desk it'll smell like gas and we'll leave school early, right?" Jai asked.

"There's a little guide hidden in a loose seam in the bag. But just to be safe, wait a couple months before you use them. We don't want your dad revoking my right to give you kids toys again."


	80. 80 Ninja Style

**Ninja-Style**

"This has got to be the stupidest thing you're ever going to go to Iron Heights for."

"You're such a pessimist. I'm not necessarily going to get busted. And if I am, you'll be joining me o-accomplice-of-mine."

Piper's scowl indicated he'd thought of that already. Stupid big blue puppy eyes, talking him into stupid crimes he would get no benefit from.

James finally picked the lock, and with an excited giggle ran into the empty arcade. Piper followed after him, grumbling under his breath about the idiocy of their enterprise. James, ever the overgrown child, was determined to own a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles side scrolling beat 'em up arcade game, to the extent where he'd tried to legitimately purchase one online but been outbid, and therefore determined his only recourse was to steal one.

"Ooo! This place is awesome! Look, they have the Simpsons arcade game too! And Offroad! Oh man, I haven't played that in-" He stopped for an abrupt squeal. "Mortal Kombat II! And Centipede! I wasted so much of my childhood on that!"

"I'm sure. James, I'm only helping you steal one of them. Now come on, this is going to be heavy."

"I'll go get the cart I ripped off from the storage place."


	81. 81 Pleasure's All Mine

**Pleasure's All Mine**

James went into fanboy mode pretty much at the drop of a hat (or so it seemed to Piper). He was passionate about pretty much everything he loved, and he collected toys, cartoons, movies, video games, and any other paraphernalia associated with childhood or practical jokes one could think of. Piper had had to accompany him to cons, movie premiers, meet n' greets and other such events, and seen his boyfriend reduced to a stuttering mess of awe every time.

And James had never seen Piper rendered similarly incapacitated by admiration and love. Which was just wrong. Piper was a music-junkie, and he was nothing if not passionate about it. James figured he'd get the same results if he got Piper into contact with musicians he liked, but no. Piper kept his composure and had interesting conversations with professional musicians (even the ones he admired). He said it had something to do with his awe being reserved for the music itself and not its vessel.

Then one day James reluctantly accompanied Piper to a lecture at Central U. He half-slept through most of it, but woke up at the end when Piper pushed through the crowd to accost the lecturer in nothing short of fanboy glow.

The professor smiled, recognizing Piper. "Oh! You're the man who used music in those super crimes a few years back, aren't you? It's a pleasure to meet you...?"

"Hartley Rathaway. And the pleasure's all mine. That lecture was-was...I don't have _words_ for it!"

James stared open mouthed at the exchange. He questioned Piper about it as soon as they were in the parking lot.

He shrugged. "I know, I know. You'd think I'd fanboy more over the amazing musicians I've met, and I do always enjoy that. But James...when I was little I always wanted to be an ethnomusicologist."

"A what?"

"An ethnomusicologist? You don't even know what it is, do you?"

"You're a very special muffin Piper."


	82. Pocket A

**Pocket A**

"There's gotta be a hidden seam here somewhere..."

"Do I want to know what's going on?"

"Oh...hey Piper," James greeted awkwardly. Awkwardly because he'd just been caught pawing through the laundry of the only openly gay Rogue after breaking into his house. He realized he had a pair of Piper's boxers on his lap and chucked them for distance.

Piper continued gaping at him, not really sure how to construe what he was seeing. "I have a date in the living room, but I heard you nosing around in here, so if you could just make the explanation quick and get on your merry perverted way..."

"This is not what it looks like!"

"So why are you fondling my dirty laundry?"

"I'm not-that is just gross! I just wanted to know how you did it!"

"Did what?"

"The flutes!" James exclaimed. "You're always pulling them out of places, but I never noticed a pocket on your costume. How the hell d'ya pull a full size flute from your pocket anyway? How'd you fit _that _in your pocket?"

Piper frowned. "Good night James." He shut the door and rejoined his date.


	83. Pocket B

**Pocket B**

James considered sneaking snacks into a movie theater that forbade outside food an art form, to the point that when a place opened that let you bring in food he'd gone out of his way to hit up their competitors. The Rogues weren't complaining. Attending movies with the Trickster often involved having gourmet food passed up the row of seats.

One thing was starting to bother them though...

"James?"

"Mm?"

"How'd you get the keg of beer in here? And...and the bisque. How'd you fit _that _in your pocket?"

"Trade secret Mark."

"Ah."


	84. 84 Possessive

**Possessive**

"So who's that wiener?"

"Excuse me?"

"Calm down hon, I'll handle this." Piper squeezed his boyfriend's hand and then defiantly regarded the Rogue hovering above him on flying shoes. "James-the-super-criminal, meet James-the-architect."

"I know his name. The question was really more of a 'what are you doing with that wiener'?"

James frowned. "Really, that's not necessary at all."

"Trust me and just be quiet, I've got this." Piper gave James' hand another squeeze, then dragged the other James away by the cape.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow!"

"What the hell are you doing? Aside from ruining my date?"

"Looking out for you! Piper, you can do so much better than that wiener with the bad haircut!"

"I happen to _like _James, quite a lot. So quit stalking him. I know that was you that blew his tires and replaced his spare with a rubber chicken in a noose. It wasn't hard to figure out."

"I wasn't trying to be subtle," James pointed out. He sighed. "So it's serious with this guy then?"

"Yep. If things keep going as well as they've been, we're thinking about moving in together."

"Oh." James' face fell. "For real?"

"Yes for real! James...is there a problem?" Piper couldn't figure out for the life of him why his casual friend and sometimes-coworker had suddenly become so...well…_possessive _lately.

"No, no problem," James mumbled. "Sorry I ruined your date." He took off on the flying shoes, leaving a flustered Pied Piper behind him.

James-the-architect rejoined his boyfriend and stared in wonder at the crazy blond disappearing into the night sky. "What the hell was that about?"

"You know that crush on a straight friend I was telling you about?"

"Oh...yeah hon, he might not be as straight as he thinks he is."

"Yeah."


	85. 85 Rating System

**Rating System**

"Ssh, ssh! Guys, it's starting!" James waved at all of the Rogues, and they eagerly gathered around the hideout's TV to watch the local news recap their heist.

"Trouble in Central City today as the costumed criminals collectively known as the Rogues-" A bit of the announcement was lost to obnoxious hooting and beer can toasts, "Flash was on-scene to contend with the unusual criminals, but he didn't quite pull off his normally finessed take downs. Our own Rick Trent is on-scene with footage of the heist."

"Everyone ssh!" Mark yelled, even though no one was talking.

"Thanks Kim. Quiet now, but this stretch of road saw plenty of action earlier today when the Rogues-" More yelling and cheering, "-and they proceeded to commandeer the armored cars, and as you can see from this footage their combined strengths were just too much for Central's resident superhero-"

The Rogues erupted in mirth, watching the glorious recap of their first completely successful heist in ages. "Lookit Flasher go into that ditch! That was me, that was my boomerang!" Digger yelled.

"I'll give it a five. Now maybe if it had been a rocket boomerang like my rocket chicken there? That's an eight point eight at least," Trickster said smugly.

"What about using the mirror to disguise myself as Elongated Man so Mark could zap him while he was distracted?" Sam asked.

James made an iffy motion. "Two Rogues and a pretty mild payoff...I'll say that's a six."

"And making Flash do an interpretive dance while he emptied the armored cars for us?" Piper queried.

"Perfect ten."


	86. 86 Solo

**Solo**

Piper woke up alone in bed and grumbled to himself. Sure, that was somewhat normal (James slept lighter and for less time than him), but it was his birthday. He'd been hoping for cuddles. He stumbled out of bed and made his way to the kitchen, anticipating some kind of special breakfast, given James' habits.

And saw James pulling on his cornflower blue pixie boot airwalkers.

"You're pulling a job?" Piper asked, noting the full Trickster costume.

"You're up early," James dodged.

"It's eleven."

"Before noon is early for you."

Piper sighed. He didn't want to admit it, but he was pretty needy on his birthday. He was pretty sure it had something to do with his parents, but he was too sleepy and hurt to put together the exact logic on how at the moment. "I'll go get my costume then."

"Um...it's kinda a...a solo thing."

"Oh." He looked positively stung. "And you have to do it today?"

James nodded. "Time sensitive. Sorry Pookie. I'll make it quick though."

"Sure, whatever." Piper stomped back to the bedroom and slammed the door, despite the fact that James had clearly been approaching him for a kiss goodbye.

* * *

Piper ended up spending most of his birthday alone. He waited around the apartment for a few hours for James, but the solo job wasn't a quick one. He went out to get coffee and some snacks, listened to some CDs he'd only played through a few times, and sulked.

James climbed in the bedroom window just before midnight clutching a large sack. Piper was sitting on the bed listening to his favorite Billie Holiday recording, pretending not to notice him.

"Hey Pookie...you're mad at me, aren't you? Piper? P-i-i-i-iper?" James poked his shoulder.

"You should really leave before I do something we'll both regret."

"Threats? Wow. Look, the heist took way longer than I'd planned and I'm sorry, but I didn't mean to piss you off like this, I swear."

"You forgot my birthday."

"I didn't. The time sensitive solo heist was to get your present." James upended the sack, dumping some small packages wrapped in pink foil paper, a few envelopes, and a blank video cassette onto the bed. He popped the tape into the VCR, and Jerrie's smiling face came into view.

"Hi big brother! The man in the funny clothes said he was gonna show this to you, so I can say hi and happy birthday!" She waved and blew a kiss. "I miss you lots and...and I hope you're happy and that...what was I gonna say Mr. Tricksterer?"

"You were gonna say you hoped your parents would get the sticks out of their keisters someday and let you say hi in person," James' voice instructed from off camera.

"Oh yeah. All that. Happy birthday Hartley! I love you." She made a heart with her fingers, then waved at the camera one last time.

The tape stopped so James turned off the TV. "Um...yeah, I pretended to be a substitute dance teacher so I could get that. I'da brought you, of course, but I don't think we have a disguise good enough to...to...did I make things worse?"

Piper pointed to his face, unable to speak for a second. "Happy tears James."

"Oh good! Oh, oh good. Sorry it took so long, by the by. Jerrie gave me a shopping list of things she wanted to give you, and I had to do more traveling than I thought to get them." He motioned to the presents and envelopes. "She had cards and letters too. So don't worry about it. When your parents stop sucking you'll totally still have a relationship with her."

Piper nodded. "James...thank you. This means a lot."

"Hey, I'd have stuffed her in the sack if it was at all possible. Happy birthday Pookie."


	87. 87 Surprised Defense

**Surpised Defense**

Setting: Pavement Cracks Universe (my fanfic verse)

"Geeze Mick, how long's it gonna take to count out a sack of bills?"

"It'll be quicker if you whine," Mick grumbled.

"C'mon, c'mon! Oh you're doing it on purpose now." James flopped down on the other side of the coffee table from Mick while Piper watched, amused. Mick finally finished and handed off two shares to James.

He looked startled for a second. "Oh, uh, right, guess I can hang onto Piper's too."

"Yeah, no. I'll take that. Thanks Mick." Piper swiped his share of the loot and started for the door. James followed after.

Mick sighed. "I always forget they think they're in the closet."

Rainbow Raider (of all people) came alarmingly close to a spit take. "You're kidding right?"

"Nope. Piper and Tricks have been together for...what, two months now?" Mark asked.

"Almost six. Wow Mark, way to be observant," Mick laughed.

"Yeah, whatever. Roy? You okay?"

"You honestly let a couple queers watch your back from Flash? That's...a little weird."

Said the guy in the rainbow goggles. The other Rogues regarded him like the oblivious moron he was.

"It's weird, but harmless. I mean, if they're banging each other y'don't have to worry about them looking anywhere else, right?" Boomer pointed out.

"I don't think they'd be looking at you anyway Digger," Mark said, then self-consciously frowned, hoping the gay guys had never been checking _him _out.

"Aren't you at all worried about your rep though? What if it gets out? I mean geeze!" Roy continued ranting, and then quite suddenly he was iced over from the neck down as Len finally made his entrance.

"That's enough of that." He sat down nonchalantly on the couch and chipped a block of Roy's ice into his plastic cup of beer. "And who the hell let Rory split the takes?"


	88. 88 Sweeter with Time

**Sweeter With Time**

"Your house is swarming with rats."

"Swarming isn't really the word I'd use, but-"

"For rats running out of every crevice? I think swarming does the job."

"You're exaggerating." Piper was sprawled across his couch with three of the little plague bags sitting on him. James almost gagged when one of them ran up his abdomen and extracted a treat from Piper's shirt pocket.

"That's disgusting!"

"James, they're like pets. Don't worry about it."

"Pet rats live in cages. And believe me, I wouldn't worry if I saw some kind of evidence from your living situation that you aren't about to catch some kind of deadly disease!" James motioned to Mount Dirty Laundry, as he'd come to describe the general vicinity of the empty hamper in the living room, then motioned to the coffee table buried under take out boxes (which were attracting what was unarguably a swarm of flies), and settled into a glare.

Piper sighed. "It's not that bad."

"I just started dating you. I don't want you catching some disease only seen in third world countries just when I'm starting to have fun."

"If you want to clean up, go right ahead."

And much to Piper's surprise, the next night when he got home from casing a jeweler's his house was spotlessly clean. Which meant James really had been worried, and he wasn't just teasing. Piper made more of an effort to keep things clean after that.

And once James noticed that the rats really were more like pets than vermin (because they stayed even in the absence of filth) he started warming up to them a little. The way Piper fussed over them really was kind of endearing. Given enough time, he even started thinking of it as sweet.

Not that he'd ever let Piper know that.


	89. 89 Techno Music

**Techno Music**

"Why do you have techno music?" Jai asked, pulling that look of disgust peculiar to the teen years.

Piper picked up another box of CDs and started shelving them on his wall of discs. "Well I'm trying to have everything. It's a very inclusive music collection."

"But techno? That barely counts as music. It's just...throbbing mess. It's just an excuse for kids to grind. I hate it."

"I don't know...it serves one of the purposes of music. Makes you move. It can be fun...Jai? Is something wrong?"

Jai folded his arms, a definite pout on his face. "They _only _play techno at the school dances. It really blows, because you can't really talk over it, and all the songs sound the same, and yeah, even if it is kinda fun to dance, I can't bring a date to the dances so-"

"Why can't you bring a date?"

"They threatened to cancel the semis and proms if the gay kids went with their dates, and there's this asshole of a guidance counselor who chaperones, and if he sees you dancing with another guy he sends you home and you can't get your money back...Piper?"

Piper calmly set down the box of CDs he was holding. "Did you tell anyone about this?"

"Everyone at school's been talking about it."

"Yes, but did you tell your parents? Why am I only hearing about this now?"

"Piper, my parents won't care."

"Yes they will. This is important. You have a right to bring a date to a school dance. I may not have been able to growing up, but you damn well will."

Jai was a little taken aback by the emotion in Piper's voice. "Um...I guess I can talk to Mom and Dad."

* * *

Between Linda's connections to the local news (not to mention Iris') and Wally's connections in the Justice League (having Superman show up at the school to talk to concerned parents and faculty made the national news), it wasn't long before Keystone High relented.

Jai's opinion of techno improved greatly when he had someone to dance to with it.


	90. 90 Unamused

**Unamused**

"So Len, right at this minute would you say you were more exasperated or unamused?"

"I'm standing up to my knees in gunk-the hell d'you think Jesse?"

"Not gunk, ooze. And Piper said I don't appreciate or notice peoples' feelings enough, which I think is ridiculous because I am a conman by trade after all, so I decided to prove him wrong and take notes." He did indeed have a detailed looking list and a clipboard. "Now, exasperated, unamused...hm, looks more like irate now." James studied the little card of cartoon facial expressions he'd brought with him for reference.

"He stole it from Nickelodeon Studios last week," Mark called, glad to be an observer to James' experiments with feelings as opposed to a participant.

"I'm gonna kill Hartley for putting you on this," Len decided, then went to the hideout's mini fridge in search of a beer.

And found nothing but organic iced green tea.

James checked off murderous without even having to seek out a second opinion.


	91. 91 Why is my Thumb Blue

**Why is my thumb blue?**

JLU-verse

"Why is my thumb blue?"

"Hmm?" James looked up from his cartoons and smiled. "Oh that. It's not just blue. See the yellow too?"

"The yellow...um, there are green splotches." Piper stared at his thumb for a second, trying to figure it out.

"Shoot, the paint didn't dry right. I'll be right back." James got up and ran for the toy room Piper had set up in his basement. He came back a few minutes later with a box of different craft and face paints. Piper sat down and good naturedly let James color on his hand.

When he finished Piper's thumb was most definitely blue, with yellow stripes and 'Property of Trickster' written carefully in tiny orange letters.


	92. 92 Your Greatest Wish

**Your Greatest Wish**

Setting: Teen Titans AU

Even though he'd only gotten a few minor injuries, the older heroes insisted Jai go to the Watchtower's infirmary (and in a Crisis you didn't question the oldest members of the Justice League). By the time he convinced everyone he was fine and was able to leave, his team was gone.

Huh. Sure, he'd benched himself out of perceived uselessness, but a pretty large scale Crisis was unfolding that directly involved the Teen Titans. He was surprised no one had thought to talk to him. Even Irey...

Jai checked in on his parents and Piper (his condition had stabilized to coma, something Jai tried to forget as soon as he learned it because he wasn't really sure he could handle all this without his fake uncle's support), and then he snuck back down to Earth. Whatever the magic users had done seemed to be working, because all of the undead villains had disappeared. The heroes had been working on figuring out how to take the fight to the new threat when the Titans had hopped a ride with Billy to Neron's Hell Realm.

So now Jai needed to figure out how to get to Hell. He ported into Titans Tower and started digging through the books in Billy's room, looking for something helpful.

He still couldn't believe they'd left without him.

"Fancy meeting you here Tech."

"You?" Jai whipped around and threw the book he was holding at Josh Jackam instinctually. The teenage villain (who was supposed to be dead, not that that had any meaning at the moment) disintegrated the tome in a flash of lightning and sighed.

"Don't try to fight me West. I was even more powerful than you before I sold my soul to a demon. If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead by now."

"You seemed to be trying pretty hard to kill me this morning," Jai pointed out.

"Please. The Zooms and I were playing with you. Well, Zolomon wanted to go for your mother but Thawne held him back. That was just a demonstration. The real attacks will begin soon."

"Real attacks?" That wasn't a good sign. The demons had already pantsed the superhero community, taken unawares or no. If that was half strength...

"I see I've made my point."

"What do you want from me?"

Josh's face split in a grin. "What do you think? You Titans figured out who I'm answering to. Neron would like you in his services. I haven't figured out why just yet, but he's assured me you'll be valuable."

"Go back to Hell! I'll never take a deal from you! Not with what you've done to me and my family." He'd said family, but he was really thinking about Piper...no, stop that, Piper was fine. He wasn't comatose, with his implants damaged beyond repair, waiting to wake up to a world without sound. He was at his house, surrounded by his rats fiddling with his gear and listening to some obscure folk music only he'd put the effort into tracking down...

Josh seemed to sense his opening. "We can offer you your greatest wish Tech. Anything you want. Neron's not exactly miserly with his favors, once you choose the right side..."

A sob escaped him as Jai's resolve started to crumble.


	93. 93 Back Massager

**Back Massager**

"Is this a vibrator?"

"...in that it vibrates?" Piper tried to assess whether James was messing with him or honestly confused. "It's a back massager."

"Oh. How can you tell?"

"Totally the wrong shape. Seriously, imagine trying to put that anywhere fun."

"Ah, got it, got it. Speaking of vibrators though, guess what Wally told me the other day?"

Piper closed his eyes and took a breath before answering. There were so many things wrong with that opening. "What'd he tell you?"

"You know how we all used to call the dead Flash the Scarlet Dildo?"

"Because of the vibration powers. Yes...?"

"Not only did that really get under his skin, but he honestly thought Wally was too young to know what we were talking about."

Piper did facepalm that time. "What? Not really?"

"Oh yeah. Wally said he used to play it up, act all confused and ask his uncle what we were talking about just to mess with him a little. Can you believe that? Even his hero worshipping sidekick screwed with him. And people ask me why I wanted to prank a guy like that."

"So...are you buying that back massager?" Piper asked, noting that James hadn't put it back on the shelf while sharing his anecdote.

"Huh? Oh yeah, I think I'll take a few of these." He started chucking them into the shopping cart.

Piper sighed. "Do I want to know?"

"I'm sure I can come up with something reasonably inappropriate to do with these."

"Now that we're dating I have to ask...gimmick?" He looked a little frightened. Sex toys took on a whole new meaning when you were in bed with the Trickster.

"Yes _gimmick_! Sheesh, whaddya think of me? But feel free to ignore the rest of the shopping cart for now."

"What? James, what have you got in there? Hey! Slow down!"


	94. 94 Bottoms Up

**Bottoms Up**

"Hey. Hey! That's not food! You can't put it in the-"

"The only rule about Suicides states that you can't put anything intentionally poisonous in it," James said, cutting off Mark's protest.

"But...but the gunk from the bottom of the mini fridge? That could very much be poisonous!"

"That's why the rule is intentionally poisonous," James clarified.

Piper was watching from the sofa. He set down his ACLU newsletter, giving up the pretense of being distracted. "And out of curiosity, who came up with the rules for mixing Suicides? Because I remember going to a skating rink once that served them from the snack bar, and they were generally made to be tasty."

"Well that's boring," James commented as he tipped in some leftover amoxicillin. Mark looked positively green. "And these are Trickster's rules for Suicide mixing."

"Of course. At the roller rink they were usually made mostly of some kind of citrus soda with fruit punches and pink lemonade mixed in," Piper said.

"Chalk's edible, right?"

"I am never going to lose a bet to you again as long as I live," Mark decided.

James handed him the glass. "Bottom's up."


	95. 95 Fair Food

**Fair Food**

"Piper...you're going to have to steal a lot more loot and get caught by Flash a helluva lot less if you're going to keep doing the grocery shopping."

"Huh?"

James was doing their bills (yes, super villains had to balance check books too-you can't steal the rent after all), and he couldn't quite believe the way the groceries were eating up their budget. Especially since he was the one who did the cooking, and he couldn't remember seeing anything particularly ritzy in their kitchen (that had been part of the reason Piper had taken over: he was sick of paying large sums of money for cheese that tasted like a damp basement).

"Seriously. Pookie, how are you spending this much money to feed two people? Even if you completely ignore sales...I just don't get it."

"James, you've been eating the food I buy. That's just what it costs."

James shook his head. "There's no way you can be-"

"Do you want to come to the grocery store with me tomorrow then?"

"I guess."

And as James watched Piper shop, understanding dawned. They went to an all-natural hippie type store where they used their own shopping bags, and absolutely everything Piper put in the carriage was fair trade, organic, and often gluten free and vegan on top of it. James mouthed the prices back to himself, amazed.

"See?" Piper insisted. "It's just normal food. Milk, bananas, coffee, peanut butter, bread-"

"Right, right." Of course buying only the most expensively produced, fair, and eco-friendly food would seem normal to Piper. James' old shopping carts from the chain grocery store would probably have made Piper weep.

James indulged Piper's morality driven grocery shopping for another couple of weeks, but when they struggled to make rent he decided enough was enough, took Piper's shopping list, and a half hour later the Flash arrested Trickster while he was stealing groceries in bulk from a Whole Foods.


	96. 96 Gadget Fetish

**Gadget Fetish**

"Did you steal my boyfriend again?"

"Hi James. We're almost done with him. Can you wait like fifteen more minutes?" Wally asked. And received a glare that promised exploding rubber chickens to the face (if he'd actually been armed with them).

"In fifteen more minutes dinner's going to be cold and half eaten by rats. We had plans, dammit. Where's Piper?"

"C'mon, I borrow him all the time-"

"To save the city, which is fine! Using him as free tech support is just rude though!"

"Yeah, but he likes it. Is it really a bad thing to indulge his fetish for gadgets every now and then?"

"Do you know what fetish means?"

"That he likes something a lot, right?"

James walked into Wally's living room muttering something about Nebraska hicks under his breath. He was just in time to catch Linda and Piper walking in from the home office.

"Really, you're working with a dinosaur anyway. I could just buy you a new one-"

"Hartley, I can't let you buy me a laptop."

"Why not? I'm a spoiled rich kid, it's not a problem. I can get you one with wireless."

"Wireless what?"

"...internet."

"They can do that?"

James face palmed.

The next morning everything electronic in Wally and Linda's house had been replaced with a brand spanking new model (antivirus installed where appropriate) and the kitchen table was covered with warranties for the new products. James left a lengthy (and strongly worded) letter on the fridge telling them they no longer had the right to abduct his boyfriend for non-super hero related pursuits on date night.


	97. 98 Gone Soft

**Gone Soft**

"Need a hand with that?"

"Hm? Not really, I've got it." Piper continued his trek towards the dumpster behind the food pantry as though he didn't see the figure hovering about a foot above his head. So James sat down on the lid of the dumpster.

"Ew! My pants are getting uncomfortably damp."

"It's a dumpster James; common sense dictates that they'd be dirty."

"Well then let's make this conversation quick so you can throw out your garbage and I can get off the dumpster. What's up?"

Piper shrugged. "I'm taking out the trash, then I'm going to mop down the kitchen and then I'm heading home. How are you?"

"Heading home? Not meeting up with the new Flash to bust your old buddies? Piper, the guys have been talking about how you went soft. And not just that, how you turned into a rat."

"I like rats. There are worse associations-"

"You _know_ how they mean it. Piper, seriously, I wouldn't be here if I weren't worried. There's going legit, and then there's turning yourself into a target. I just want you to be careful, okay?"

Piper nodded. "So you're not here to tell me to stop? Because I do actually like hanging out with Wally and helping the good guys. There's more satisfaction to it than you'd expect."

James smirked. "I do know how completely useless it is to tell you how to live your life."

"Damn straight. But I should be worried...?"

"Just a tad bit more careful about who you give info about. I like how you're breathing right now. I think it's pretty cool and I'd rather it continue."

"Thank you James."

"No problem." 


	98. 98 Happy Ending

**Happy Ending**

The day the speedsters accidentally tore a hole in the fabric of the universe and let in what was being referred to as the 'rose-tinted light' (though James called it the fix-it light) became an international holiday. Everything just seemed..._better_ after the weird light touched everyone. People started behaving differently, friends thought dead showed up with fantastic stories of how they'd cheated death at the last minute, and crime all but disappeared.

Lex Luthor put his efforts into curing cancer instead of villainy, and once he finished that he knocked off a whole bunch of other diseases just to keep off the boredom. The planet would have worried about overpopulation, but Tamaran miraculously sprang back into being within a short space flight of Earth, and there weren't enough Tamaranians to bring the population up to par in that particular part of the galaxy anyway.

Weather Wizard fixed global warming once his son was returned to him and he felt more of an investment in the planet's future.

Trickster was returned to the land of the living, and everyone suddenly remembered how he'd saved the world a few times over from Neron. He was actually rendered speechless (possibly the first time in his life) when he was offered a spot in the Justice League, but his fiancé was there to politely decline. Piper and Tricks agreed that so many criminals had gone legit with their happy endings that it wasn't worth their time to sit around in a moon base (plus Piper hadn't been invited so eff that).

After the Bats were reunited with their slain loved ones they hung up their various cowls and domino masks and put their genius intellects to work in academic fields, making huge advantages to their chosen fields.

The only two people who seemed bothered by the fix-it-light were moping in their separate corners of Gotham City.

Batman sat in his cave staring longingly at the bat computer, waiting for an exciting crime that just wouldn't come. His son (who was annoyingly well adjusted lately) was upstairs working on a science project with his stepmother (who knew Selina was so good with tempera paint?), and he was longing for the days when Gotham was rife with psychopaths. Which was definitely its own problem right there.

And in an abandoned ice skating rink Mr. Freeze was showing off romantic ice sculptures to his miraculously cured wife, terrified that his life seemed happy again.


	99. 99 I Wanna Hold Your Hand

**I Wanna Hold Your Hand**

(I'm setting this one right after an age-regression prompt I filled. To sum up, the Rogues have been bathed in radiation that de-aged all of them, except Piper, who is watching them.)

Piper sat up, rubbed his eyes, and glanced in the general direction of the doorway. "Are you going to come in or dance in the doorway all night?"

The three year old James (who looked too innocent to be trusted in his striped footie pajamas) shuffled from foot to foot anxiously. "I'm a-scared. C'n I sleep in here tonight?"

Piper sighed. "I didn't really bring the clown with me from the restaurant. I was just saying that to make you guys behave."

"I know but m'scared anyway."

"Okay, fine." Piper flipped the blanket up, and without further hesitation James barreled into bed and curled up against him.

Piper was just starting to drift back to sleep when he heard creaking floorboards by the doorway again. "Yes Mark?"

"I saw a monster outside the window. It was going to eat me, and since you took my wand from me I can't defend myself." His voice was a squeaky mix between fear and accusation.

"So you want to sleep in here too?"

"...yes. I don't want the clown to eat me."

"The clown's not going to-"

"Can I sleep in here too? My room's too big and it's all dark!"

"Digger wet his bed, someone needs to clean the sheets and I'm not doing it!"

"I didn't wet the bed! Shut up Len!"

"I SAW THE CLOWN! I SAW THE CLOWN!"

"!"

About a half hour later the child-Rogues were, for the most part, sleeping contentedly in Piper's bed. And Piper was sleeping on the floor by his doorway with a pillow and a spare Trickster-cape as a blanket. He was just starting to drift off again when he felt a small hand clutching his. He blinked sleepily at the de-aged James.

"M'still scared. N'Mark kicked me."

"Even with the kicking, it's probably more comfortable on the bed. And you're small enough to fit," Piper pointed out.

James shook his head. "I wanna hold your hand though."

"Okay James. Just go to sleep."


	100. 100 I'm Awesome

**I'm Awesome**

Setting: JLU-verse

"I'm awesome," Trickster decided as he surveyed his handiwork.

He'd been going out with Piper (as far as he was concerned anyway) for quite some time now. Things were going well, almost perfect, and Tricks was blissfully happy about it except for one tiny detail. The other day when he was hanging out at the bar, Len and Flash pointed out to him that Piper didn't seem to notice they were dating.

"But...but we go to the movies together. I hold his hand! And...and we rob all those museums-"

"Robbing a museum isn't really a date kid. That's work," Len pointed out.

"Oh yeah. But...he gave me a stuffed animal."

"Because you like toys," Flash explained, trying to be gentle. "He thinks you're just friends. Hey, don't worry so much James. You just gotta let him know you want to take it to the next level."

"But how has he not noticed? I hug him!"

"You hug everybody!"

"Oh yeah."

"Look, James..." Flash thought for a second about how to say this. "You send some pretty unique signals. Piper just doesn't know what to make of it-even the obvious ones."

"Oh. So what do I do?"

"Something so blindingly obvious he can't take it any other way," Len suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Flash agreed.

So he'd thought about it, and finally he'd come up with something absolutely perfect. And on their six month anniversary (from Trickster's perspective), or their first date (hopefully from Piper's perspective) he put his plan into action.

What Trickster didn't count on was how long it would take Piper to leave his damn house. By the time he did, the little hugging teddy bears dressed in his and Piper's costumes spelling out 'I Love You' and holding sparklers had all caught fire. Piper emerged from his house to find his front lawn covered in smoldering piles of cotton and massive patches of burned grass. He put his sweatshirt over his nose and walked back inside.

"I'm not awesome." Trickster felt like he was going to cry. Then a scarlet blur passed by him and he was holding a picnic basket and a dozen long stemmed roses. "Oh. Well that works too." He walked over to knock on Piper's door.


	101. 101 Jailbait

**Jailbait**

Linda was at her wits end running errands for the twins' sweet sixteen birthday party, so Piper offered to help her out and took a few of the chores. One of them was collecting the massive sheet cake from a bakery downtown. He brought it out to the car and frowned, looking down at the icing: Happy Sweet Sixteen Irey & Jai

He couldn't help feeling old. Sure, the speed force had artificially aged them up at one point, but he'd still held the twins when they'd been born.

And he'd been single then too.

Damn. Well that was depressing. He decided to spend the night out after the birthday party and called around, seeing if he could find a friend or two to try to pick up guys with him.

LATER

"Hey Hartley, that cute little thing with the blue streaks in his hair is checking you out."

Piper casually glanced over his shoulder. "Can't be. He is _way_ too young and pretty to be interested in me."

"I'm telling you, the hot little jailbait is checking you out. Take advantage."

At his friend Jerome's insistence, Piper turned in his seat to more closely inspect his supposed admirer. And felt his stomach drop to his knees. "_Jai_?"

"Hi Uncle Piper. Shit, I thought that was you."

"What are you doing here? Dressed like _that_? Do you know what kind of men are here looking at you?" What Jerome was clearly thinking…

"I'd guess I'm doing the same thing you are. Ditching out on the party because it was lame-"

"You know, your mother worked really hard on that party."

"Yeah, well it was lame. And it's not like I was gonna get the chance to hook up with anyone. Mom's still afraid of her parents finding out I'm gay. They want me to marry a nice Korean girl and make lots of little accountant babies."

"That's annoying. Families can really suck sometimes, huh? I'm Jerome, by the way-"

"He's sixteen." Piper's voice carried an edge that hinted at mutilation. Jerome visibly deflated.

Jai frowned. "You're not gonna tell my parents I didn't really go with Irey to Lian's house, right?"

"You don't think they're going to find out?"

And now the kid looked close to tears. On his sixteenth birthday. Piper let out a quick sigh and took out his cell phone. "What are you doing?" Jai asked.

"Texting your mom. I'm telling her you decided to spend the night with me instead. I won't tell her where on one condition."

"Kay."

"I intend to chaperone you and keep you from doing something stupid, and I'm confiscating the fake ID that got you in here at the end of the night."

"But Piper-"

"Or I can bring you home now and tell both your parents you lied to them."

Defeated, Jai mumbled his assent.


	102. 102 Lipstick

**Lipstick**

"What...what are you wearing?" Wally gaped at his two nemeses-turned friends, and quickly let them into the house before the neighbors saw.

"You don't know? Damn, we were hoping this was Flash-related weirdness and you'd be able to clear things up," Piper said with a sigh.

Piper and Trickster were in the most spectacular drag queen diva outfits Wally had ever seen. And they were perfectly accented to both of the ex-crooks' original costumes.

"Why would you think this has something to do with me?" Wally asked.

"Well we weren't wearing lipstick last night-"

"James, be nice. Obviously this one wasn't him." Piper shrugged. "Sometimes you open up weird dimensional rifts and things..._happen_...to people in the Cities."

"Like when my lawn flamingos came to life and attacked me. Wasn't just me. My whole street got battered by our lawn ornaments," Trickster explained. He sat down on Wally's couch and started removing a pair of ridiculous looking heels while Piper carefully tried to walk across the room in platforms.

Wally shrugged. "As far as I know, this one wasn't me. I was on the Watchtower for most of the night, and when I got home I went out for pancakes with my girlfriend. Sorry guys."

"Is it cool if we de-drag here before we head out?"

"Yeah, bathroom's up the hall."

And Piper and Trickster really weren't the only ones in the Central-Keystone area who had a weird experience that day. Detectives Chyre and Jackam found their cruiser turned into a chariot, Bart Allen's Impulse costume was following him around like the shadow from Peter Pan, and Captain Cold's absolute zero guns had all turned into super soakers.

And in the dumpster behind Chez Ennui, Mr. Mxyzptlk was waking up with one hell of a hangover.


	103. 103 Pride A

**Pride A**

"Shit-shit-shit! Of all the God damn times!" Roy G Bivolo kept up an almost continuous stream of cursing as he heard his gear whine and strain from the workout he'd just put it through robbing the gallery opening.

He'd much rather have fumbled something at the robbery than botch the get-away. Flash was hot on his heels, and he really needed to keep riding his rainbows.

Then he noticed the perfect place to duck for cover.

MEANWHILE

"Alright, now that I've seen it for myself, I'll admit it. Gay Pride parades are kinda fun," James said.

"So are you going to take off your disguise yet?" Piper asked. James was wearing a fake mustache (it didn't even match his hair color!), sunglasses, and somber colored clothing so no one would recognize him.

"Not a chance in hell."

"Okay then. Hey, sounds like something's going on down the street. Wanna check it out?"

"I think we should try to blend into the crowd. Look, there's Flash." James pointed where a particularly frazzled looking speedster was addressing a catcalling group of queens, butchies, and flamers.

"Look you weirdos, this is serious! There's an armed felon sheltering himself in your midst and I need to bring him to-hey! That was uncalled for!" Someone had just nailed him in the face with glittery rainbow confetti. "If you..._people_ don't care about law and order-"

And then they started pelting Flash with free condoms. Piper thought James was going to die laughing.

"Kinda fun just went up a notch, didn't it?" Piper guessed. "Oh man, I wish I had a camera."

Meanwhile, unable to recognize that the rainbows he was seeing everywhere all conformed to the same color arrangement, Roy had no idea he was surrounded by symbols of Pride (or what movement the Pride was for). He marveled at the displays of color though, and the flamboyant costumes, and the way the people in the crowds kept waving at him and calling words of encouragement.

Some were even dressed like him! He'd finally found the recognition he so craved. Clearly, he was among his people.

He couldn't quite figure out why some of them were dressed like Dorothy though.


	104. 104 Pride B

**Pride B**

"I still can't believe you talked Mom into letting Jai come after all the trouble he got in," Irey giggled. "You're magic Uncle Piper."

"Yeah, really. You didn't hypnotize my parents, did you?" Jai asked.

Piper snorted. "No, your great uncle is plenty deterrent against that. Now make sure you guys stay with me, okay? Central Pride is one of the bigger ones in the area. I don't want to spend the afternoon looking for teenagers."

"Yep yep!" Irey said with a nod.

Piper was escorting Jai to his first Gay Pride celebration, which Irey had hopped in on despite being straight. She'd brought along her best friend Angie, and Angie's girlfriend Jenni, interested in both enjoying the spectacle and supporting her friends and family with ally status.

Leaving Piper solely responsible for a small group of teenagers in a throng of enticing bad influences and potential poor decisions. He was a little on edge.

"Look! A doggy drag show! Can we go?" Irey chirped.

"I don't wanna go to a stupid ass dog show," Angie said, scowling. Jai seemed to agree with her.

"They're having a panel on Don't Ask Don't Tell in that building over there," Jenni said quietly, gently tugging on Angie's arm.

"That guy is walking a beagle dressed like Liza Minnelli in Cabaret. Look! There's a pug in a Wonder Woman costume! We have to text that to Cassie and Donna! Come on Piper, can we please go to the doggy drag show?" Irey begged.

"Where's Jai?" Piper asked suddenly, noticing he was short a teen.

"Chatting up that guy with all the piercings and the rainbow hair." Angie pointed across the street.

"JAI! Get back here now! Irey, put your cell phone away, we're not going to the dog show unless everyone agrees on it! And Angie, there are nicer ways to say no!"

Yeah, it was gonna be one hell of an afternoon."


	105. 105 Ribs A

**Ribs**

"Pi-i-i-perr..."

"Don't you dare whine at me now."

"But my r-i-i-i-bs! It hurts..."

"Of course it hurts. That's what happens when you get punched in the ribs over a hundred times in a second."

...

"But Piper-"

"And _that's_ what happens when you provoke the Flash! I told you the hot air balloon was too much, and that you didn't need it in the heist-"

"But Piper-"

"And that you certainly didn't need to DANGLE Kid Flash from it-"

"But-"

"Or shower the streets of Central City with water balloons full of finger paint!" Piper finished his rant and James' lower lip trembled.

"Did the distraction work, at least?"

"Huh?" Piper asked, confused.

"Did my distraction work? Did you get to sneak into that convention your parents were going to and say hi to your little sister? You said you might not try it, cuz Flash was invited as a guest speaker and you thought he'd arrest you on sight."

Piper frowned. "It went fine. I got to see Jerrie for almost a half hour before Mother even noticed."

James smiled. "Cool. And by the by, I didn't just have water balloons full of paint raining on Central City. There was also quite a lot of Kid Flash vomit."

Piper snorted. "Do you need anything?"

"Can you put on some cartoons?"

"Sure."

And for the rest of the night, Piper was much more sympathetic about James' injured ribs.


	106. 106 Ribs B

**Ribs B (because I got another idea)**

"Uncle Piper, are you and Tricksy Man going to hell?"

The question was asked with such wide eyed innocent fear that Piper bit back the rant that question always provoked in him, took a deep breath, and sifted about desperately in his head for an answer that would calm the eight year old's fears.

But all he could think of were his own questions.

"Who...Irey, what makes you think James and I are going to hell?"

"I heard, um, that you were living in sin. And that that means you're going to hell. I didn't really understand it though. I'm s'posed to go to church, and then I'll understand."

"Who told you that-"

"Hold on babe, I've got this." James raced in from the kitchen, squeezed Piper's shoulder, and then sat down across from Irey. "Hey kiddo. So someone told you gay people go to hell, right?"

Irey nodded. "I don't get why though. You and Uncle Piper are really nice, and I don't want you to go to hell."

"Did the person tell you it was because God says in the Bible gay people go to hell?"

Irey nodded again.

"Well I've read the Bible and you know what? It says a lot of different things that don't always go together. Like for example, you know the story of Adam and Eve right?"

"Uh huh. God made Adam and Eve to take care of the animals, and they didn't listen to him or something...and something bad happened. Um, I stopped paying attention after the part with the animals." She looked a little sheepish about it.

"Do you remember how God made Eve from Adam's rib?"

"Kinda."

"Well right before that version of the story, there's a completely different one where Adam and Eve were made at the same time, and they weren't even given names."

"Really?" said Piper. Not the eight year old.

James turned to him. "Look it up." He turned his attention back to Irey. "Thing is sweetie, there's a lot of different stories in the Bible, and some of them don't work together. So it's up to us to decide which ones we see as true and which ones we don't. So if you can choose whether you think Eve was made from a rib or made at the same time as Adam, you can also choose whether gays should be condemned or whether we should love everyone."

Irey considered. "I think we should love everyone. And I don't like the rib thing, it's kinda creepy."

After he dropped the twins off back at Wally's Piper went and found James in the living room, curious about the conversation he'd had with Irey. "So...when did you become an amateur theology scholar? You didn't lie to Irey, right?"

"Course not. I read at least a dozen different versions of the Bible-"

"Why?"

"Qu'ran too," James finished his sentence with an exasperated look. "Because I pissed off a demon and I figured it was a good idea to learn a little bit about hell and how one gets condemned there."

"Oh."

"And I determined I have a lot more things to worry about before I stress over falling for you."

"Well that's good," Piper said with a smile. "Gotta wonder who told Irey we were going to hell though?"

"Eh. I'm more surprised it took this long."


	107. 107 Sleeping on the Train

**Sleeping on the Train**

Piper's nerves were on edge in a way they'd never been before. He'd had such a constant headache since he and James had been on the run that he was starting to forget what it was like not to be in pain. He was hungry but too nauseous to eat even when they managed to find food, and thirsty enough that liquid brought no satisfaction. Suffice it to say that after clambering onto a moving train and stowing themselves with the cargo, Piper found it impossible to sleep.

And there was James, curled up under his cape sleeping like a baby.

The asshole must have been doing it on purpose. There was no way he wasn't as fried as Piper; he was probably pretending to sleep just to be a nuisance.

'Yeah, because that makes sense.' Hm. Piper added paranoia to the list of problems.

"James-"

"Go 'way."

"No. C'mon, James..." Piper shook his shoulder. James rolled as far as the zap-cuff chain would allow.

"Are we actively being shot at?"

"No..."

"Then I'm sleeping. Leave me alone."

Piper let out an irritated sigh and shifted positions, trying to find a way to sit that wouldn't make his butt fall asleep. After a few minutes of his restless shifting, James sat up and glared at him. "I can't fall back asleep. I hate you."

"I don't get how you fell asleep to begin with, with all this noise and movement," Piper grumbled. "I haven't slept beyond minor black outs in over a week."

James chewed his lip. "We gotta figure out a way to fix that."

"I know! I know it's a problem, okay? And no, I can't hypnotize myself." Because James' eyes had gone to Piper's flute. "I was wondering if you had any advice. I figured growing up in a traveling circus as opposed to a cavernous mansion, just from circumstances-"

"Actually I had a bit of an insomnia problem growing up from the circus," James admitted. "See, there was this one time the elephant trainer got drunk and didn't lock the cages right, and our vardo almost got trampled. I was a bit traumatized after that."

"...that sounds like a group of thoroughly interesting people you grew up with."

"Mm. I wanted to quit and find a different circus, but with Pop's lack of professionalism we'd never have gotten hired anyway. Besides, the next best option was Haly's and they've got a bad reputation as far as keeping their acrobats alive goes."

"Touché. So how'd you kick your insomnia?"

"Dunno. It kinda cleared itself up when I realized I didn't have to worry about rampaging elephants in the middle of the night anymore," James said with a smirk. Then he considered. "Yeah, when I was away from my parents I felt more safe and in control and I started sleeping better. I think that's really it."

"Oh." There was nothing safe and secure about sitting on a train with an electrified bracelet waiting to be abducted or worse by a shady government operation.

"Great, now I can't sleep."

"Sorry."


	108. 108 Dabbling in my Teen Titans AU

**Teen Titans AU**

Piper walked up to the Wests' front door and struggled to ring the bell around a massive cardboard box of gadgets and instruments. Linda let him in and promptly took the box for him. "What's all this?"

"I was going through some of my clutter and I thought Jai might be interested in playing with some of it." He lowered his voice for his next comment. "How's he doing? Any better?"

Linda set down the box in the den and made an iffy motion with her hand. "He still thinks it's his fault Josh Jackam died...again. If he'd done a better job installing the back-up generator at the Tower they'd have noticed him breaking in and had the resources on-line in the med bay..."

"He wasn't the only tech geek who did upgrades on Titans Tower though. Oracle and I did a substantial rehaul of the system and it _still_ failed. I don't think anyone's going to accuse the mysterious Oracle of being incompetent."

"I know that, and I'm sure Jai does too. But you know how teen angst works." Linda sighed. "Do you want to poke in and say hi? He's brooding in his room."

"Of course." Piper went upstairs and knocked on Jai's door. The teen was playing WOW, and initially pretended not to hear him. "Jai?"

"Oh, hey Uncle Piper! Gimme one sec, I'm in the middle of something."

"Sure thing." Piper sat on his bed and waited for him to finish whatever it was he'd been doing. Jai finally shut off the game, turned on some music, and turned to face Piper. "I brought over a box of tech-nerd frivolity for you."

"Thanks. It'll be nice to have stuff to tinker with while I'm off active duty with the team."

"They benched you?"

"I benched myself. Obviously I'm useless. I need to figure out a new gimmick or something, because I epic failed as our Oracle."

"I suppose it doesn't help to explain that it wasn't your fault, and that Oracle and I both looked at the systems at Titans Tower?"

Jai nodded. "I still feel useless though. I mean, not only am I the kid with no powers who can't even fire a bow and arrow, I'm the kid who let a bad guy coming to us for help die. I'm the screw up, and everyone's pitying me and...I want to be useful, not just riding my sister's coattails. So I need to reinvent myself. What you used to do with music, that was you being a meta and not something I could learn, right?"

"Um...yes. Jai, I don't think you need to scrap your identity as Tech-"

"I've already thought about it a lot."

"Okay, well...what was that noise?"

"Huh?"

Piper took a defensive stance by the door, tilting his head to listen. "Wind...and cackling. Pounding feet...lightning. Jai, come on." Piper grabbed his arm and dragged him downstairs. "Linda! We've got to move-do you have a JL communicator?"

"It's on my de-" The front wall of the house exploded before she could finish her sentence.

Piper upended the box in the den and grabbed a flute. "Get the communicator!" He ran for the entryway, where some villains that shouldn't have been alive were crowding the rubble, emitting a faint green glow and smiling sadistically.

"Piper!" Jai tried to follow after him, but Linda pulled him after her towards the desk. She got her hands on the communicator, but no one picked up.

There was a rushing sound and then everything happened too fast for Jai and Linda to follow, apart from the screaming.


	109. 109 Sodaholic

**Sodaholic**

Piper tapped the pyramid of soda cans, sending it clattering spectacularly to the floor. He cringed, covering his ears until the clanking subsided.

"Serves you right. Took me almost an hour to erect Sprite-Giza."

"James-"

"Don't even think of approaching the leaning tower of Dr. Pepper."

Piper chewed his lip and counted to ten. "Did you actually drink all of this?"

"I told you I was marathoning my Final Fantasy games this week. What do you think?"

Piper cringed again, but for a totally different reason. "You actually ingested this much soda?"

"I become a bit of a sodaholic when I go into gamer mode. Hey, you don't have any right to complain! The rest of the time I mostly eat real food! You subsist off of Hot Pockets if I'm not keeping an eye on you!"

"True, true. Are you at least going to recycle the leaning tower of Dr. Pepper when you finish?"

James blinked, and then sank into a pout. "And here I thought you were concerned about my health. You're just being a filthy activist again, aren't you?"

"Come on! That's a lot of cans heading to the dump because of your childish whims-"

"My teeth could have dissolved!"

"Well maybe you should cut your pathetic cries for attention!"

"Maybe _you_ should pay some attention to me then!"

"Fine, then I will!"

"Okay! _LET'S GO SEE A MOVIE!_"

"You're damn right we're seeing a movie! ...but can I take out the recycling first?"

James rolled his eyes. "I'll help."


	110. 110 Subversive Little Guy, Ain't He

**Subversive Little Guy, Ain't He?**

"I am profoundly disappointed in you."

"Mom, I-"

"What were you even thinking? Jai? You're a member of the Teen Titans! That means something! You're supposed to be a role model for your generation-"

"Oh because no one in your group ever did _anything_ questionable dad."

"You are so, thoroughly, _completely_ grounded."

Jai folded his arms across his chest and hrmphed. "For what it's worth, I got arrested as Jai West, not Tech."

"And we should be proud of that?" Linda snapped.

"I was standing up for what I believe in!"

"You broke the law! You destroyed property! I'm pretty sure we raised you to know better than that," Wally said. "Make a difference, do the right thing, yes, of course, but don't sink to the bad guy's level!"

Jai went back to sulking. "Bet Piper would be proud."

"I wouldn't count on it," Wally said. "You think with all the work he did to reform he really wants to see someone he cares about getting thrown in jail?"

Jai hadn't thought of it that way. "It was just supposed to be a protest for transgender rights. It got out of hand, and yeah, I threw some things at the police officers-"

"And you can tell that story to Uncle Barry-"

"But they were beating up the protestors! You weren't there! We had a right to protest. The cops should have respected our rights! I hope someone got a video of it on their cell phone and sent it to Mom's work."

'Me too,' Linda thought, but she didn't dare say it, keeping a stony silence in front of her son.

"What about that cop car you vandalized?" Wally asked.

"Caught up in the moment," Jai mumbled.

He spent the next month in his room, all of his media privileges revoked and banned from Titans meetings for the duration of his grounding. He did get to have a trip to the Watchtower to be chewed out by Barry though, which didn't have the intended effect, but only made Jai feel more abused and alienated.

He was scratching angsty poems into his wall with an exacto-blade when Piper knocked on his bedroom door. "C'mon in."

"Hey Little Maestro."

"Uncle Piper! Mom and Dad are actually letting me have company I like?" He bounded across the room to give his honorary uncle a hug.

Piper frowned. "That's a little strongly worded. Still angry at the world, huh?"

Jai nodded. "I think everyone's being really unfair! I mean, yeah it all ended like ass, but I was trying to do something good. And those policemen were being jerks."

"Mm, that does happen sometimes. But your uncle's a cop, and your father works with cops. They don't see the same side we do from the picket lines."

"Yeah, I guess. But they wouldn't listen to me either."

"Being arrested does that. Once society's decided you were in the wrong it's really hard to convince parents you're a victim of hypocrisy. So what did we learn Jai?"

"Not to get arrested?"

"Very good. It also has a tendency to make your cause look bad if you attack cops."

Jai frowned. "I guess that's true."

"Mm hm. I got a lot more accomplished for the homeless and LGBT rights working within the system than from the outside. Now, if you accept your punishment gracefully from hereon out I'm pretty sure your parents will still let me take you to the Pride next month."

"Mom already said-"

"I'm pleading your case. All you need to do is behave and I'm pretty sure I can crack them."

Jai hugged him again. "Thanks."

"Not at all. Don't tell them I said this, but I'm actually quite proud. I was much older than you when I got arrested for the first time. It's not something you should aim for, but it's quite the learning experience."

"Yeah. I did learn a lot. Um...everyone's really mad at me, aren't they?"

"They're not mad, they're worried. It's easy to confuse the two though. So...do you want to come to protests with me and learn how to do them the right way?"

Jai nodded eagerly.

"Alright. I think we should wait a few weeks before we bring it up though."


	111. 111 Torn Pants

**Torn Pants**

"I don't quite know what to make of this particular goal anymore."

"Mm. As his boyfriend, I'm starting to think I should be worried."

"I hear you guys! Still don't care. I'm gonna do it this time." James was in the process of stretching out pieces of fabric in canvas frames as he spoke. It all looked like typical super hero spandex, but on close enough inspection there were variations.

"Did you actually go to Gambi for swatches?" Piper asked, startled at James' thoroughness.

"Yep. Even had him narrow it down to the ones he thinks are most likely to be used by Flash. I'm totally going to figure this out." Once they were satisfactorily stretched he started throwing gimmicked rubber chickens at the swatches.

Len shrugged, then excused himself to case a museum. Mark walked into the hideout with his nose in a book, backed up, and then put the book down and raised an eyebrow. "What's...?"

"He's determined to rip the crotch out of Flash's suit."

"...why?"

"Because splitting the seam of your pants is funny, dammit! I'm totally not the only one who thinks so. Now stop bothering me. This is serious work." He made a note on his clipboard and then started whacking the swatches with exploding yo-yos.

"I don't think it counts as torn pants if you blow up the fabric."


End file.
